How do I empty her
closet? How can I empty the closet
of someone I love and miss so much that her absence brings tears to my eyes
daily? I am trying. Every few weeks I go into Madison’s
room and either rearrange, repurpose or finally find something I can part with. For example, today I found a roll of
tape and a basket that I can use in the foyer closet. Dallas thinks it’s morbid to see if any friends want her,
“dead sister’s,” clothes. I only
asked, not using those words, because a couple of her friends are quite thin
like Madison was; and she had cute things.
I will eventually make myself
a quilt out of her favorite t-shirts, eventually. Madison had quite a few stuffed animals, and she loved them
all. I haven’t been able to part with
any of these yet. Maybe, just
maybe I’ll part with a few this Christmas and give as gifts.
I know that I am moving at a
snails pace, but I don’t care. I
can’t just say, “let’s get rid of all this stuff it’s taking up space.” I think of this thing that I am doing, kind
of like getting into a cold swimming pool. Some people jump right in, but not me. I inch, and I do mean inch my way in so
that I can acclimate to the temperature.
I know it has been almost 4 years and she’s not coming back. Getting rid of all her things, or most,
too quickly feels harsh; as if I’m losing her all over again. That’s why I do this task slowly, yes
inch by inch. Besides I like
having some of her things around, they comfort me.
Madison’s “stuff,” may keep
me in the past a little bit but I’m ok with that. There are those who would say this sort of thinking is
unhealthy, that doesn’t bother me.
Drinking soda or eating greasy food is unhealthy if that is all you
eat. All my days are not spent
wallowing in the past, not anymore at least.
Madison existed, she was a
huge part of my life and I won’t pretend otherwise. She is still affecting my life. There are things I do everyday because of the conversations
she and I had. I think knowing her
has made me a better person; I hope everyone who knew her can say the same
thing. Actually I can say that
about all my kids, they have taught me many things about love, patience, being
open minded, tolerance and the list could go on. My home and my life will always be about the past, the present
and the future.
