Traditions

Where have our traditions gone?  They disappeared, poof, in a cloud of smoke, or it might have been a fog.  Since we lost Madison it hasn't been the same, for any of us, no doubt.  I barely put up the Christmas tree this year. I put it up later than usual and didn't put ornaments on until 3 days before Christmas.  I know that if I don't keep our few little traditions going they will go away and never come back.  We'll end up a family filled with apathy; more apathy than we already have.  We used to be so excited about Christmas, and I know it wasn't just me. 

It's not just losing Madison, it's compounded by being so far from the rest of our family.  There is no doubt she is greatly missed.  Our first Christmas in Knoxville was also our first Christmas without Madison. I know her absence is a big part of my growing indifference; our lives, my life is so different here in Knoxville.  I feel the absence of my extended family quite keenly especially around the holidays.  I miss the Christmas chaos. I miss visiting with people I have a long and history with, weather I've known them my whole life or the last 10, 15, 20 years or more. I want to talk to people who knew and remember Madison.  I want to talk face to face and say, "remember when?" I want to reminisce about when we were kids or teenagers or about our parents, any topic will do.  There is a quote from a Jane Austen book called Mansfield Park; where the main character is asked why she chooses to go back home.  “The remembrance of all her earliest pleasures, and of what she had suffered in being torn from them, came over her with renewed strength, and it seemed as if to be at home again would heal every pain that had since grown out of the separation.  To be in the center of such a circle, loved by so many…to feel affection without fear or restraint; to feel herself the equal of those who surrounded her…” Though I was not torn from Louisiana, I feel that Madison was torn from me.  Also there is something about being surrounded by not just people I love but people I have a shared history with that makes me feel more equal.  Others who have had similar experiences, who are going through some of the same issues or joys. It just plainly feels good to sometimes be surrounded by the very familiar.

All of that said, I am not moving back to Louisiana and do like living in Knoxville very much.  After four years it is starting to feel more home like. I will admit that even in Louisiana I have at times felt out of place. I always assumed though that, that was just my own social awkwardness. Here, at this time of my life is where some apathy works, because I don't often get that uncomfortable feeling like I used to.  After all that I have been through in my life there are very few things that make me feel uncomfortable any more. Maybe I should have had more apathy toward some things in my younger years, it can be quite liberating.

I will, however work hard to be less indifferent toward keeping some of our traditions going, because one thing I am not apathetic about is my family. Our traditions are not big or spectacular, but they are ours.  For example, one thing we used to always do is put up a Disney Christmas tree.  This is the tree the kids loved decorating most.  They started by putting on their favorite characters' ornaments.  It was a lot of fun to do and watch.

Maybe we will start a couple of new traditions. I am determined to do better next year.  I’ll begin by mailing the Christmas cards I bought.  I will put the tree up like usual, ornaments too. We will also put up the Disney tree.  I will decorate in a timelier manner next year, not waiting until a couple of days before Christmas. I won’t wait until the last minute to shop or plan or send packages. Knowing which traditions to hold on to and which to let go of will be one of my goals for the new year.  I think that the letting go idea will work for my closets and garage too.  Missing my family and always my Madison very much!

Quilts

Madison's mermaid quilt, she drew & I turned into the quilt

She said this was a mama & daughter quilt, she spilled a little chocolate on mama

Dallas' quilt she also drew pictures & I turned into a quilt & ChaCha

Some of the quilts I made for the kids in my class

I love to make quilts.  I enjoy the whole process, from the idea forming in my head to drawing it on paper, to cutting and piecing the different materials together, to the quilting.  I get great satisfaction from finishing a quilt. My mom taught me how to sew but I could never quite get the making of clothes the way she or my sisters did.  I am mostly self-taught as a quilter. I've read a few books and practiced a lot, but did take one class in 2002. 

Over the years I've made a few quilts and each one took a pretty long time to finish. Until recently I did all of my quilting by hand. I purchased a new sewing machine after my old one broke beyond repair. My new machine can quilt and do so many things I have yet to try.  Because of this new machine I decided to do a rather large project for Christmas. I made a small quilt for each child in my class, plus a few extra for some kids I’m very fond of that used to be in my class.  I have lots of material, and I made purchases over several months to spread out the cost. Each quilt is different in color and design, and I enjoyed making each one. Like I said, I love the creative process, from beginning to end. I also enjoyed all the practice, and learning my new sewing machine.

One mom told me that my gift to her child was too much.  Several parents seemed very surprised when they learned that I made the quilt for their child. Upon finishing the last quilts I became a little nervous about giving them to the children. I didn't want parents to read too much into the gift. I didn't want it to be weird, especially for those who are not in my class anymore. Then I thought to heck with it, I made them I'm giving them.

I began to really think about why making the quilts was important; there are several reasons. I wanted to do something nice for the children in my class.  These kids make me smile and laugh every day that I am with them. Sure they can also make me want to pull my hair out, but that is rare. They can be so sweet and I love being greeted by a hug and a smile.  Even if the initial greeting isn't so sweet I eventually get that smile.

Another reason for making the quilts is I have a great need to do creative or artsy things. Quilting, drawing, or painting, are the things I do that make me happy. When doing these things it's not a chore or labor to me, it's fun! Doing something creative has helped me tremendously throughout my life, especially after losing Madison. After her death I found myself lost in my own head, constantly dwelling on what I should or shouldn't have done to keep Madison healthy. I had too much time every day to cry, blame, hate, dwell; I just wanted to die too. But I would never do anything to hurt myself, and I would never want to cause my other children more grief, they have been through enough.

Not long after Madison passed I began to paint again, it felt good, even if the paintings weren't.  Then I pulled out a quilt started for Dallas a few years earlier. While working on that quilt ideas came to me so I sketched them in a book, and began to search my stash of material to make more quilts.  This creativity I have is a gift from God and not to use it would be an insult to Him.

I have to be creative in that artsy way with fabric or paint or what ever comes to mind.  It is who I am, good or bad the art has to happen.  So I sometimes make things for people; and hope my work isn't judged too harshly.  My home is full of the things I've created over the years, quite full.  My answer to anyone who may ask why I made the quilts; "it's just what I do."