When my
children were little we would have so much fun just being silly. My
children are the only people that I have never been self conscious
around. Being silly was one of our ways of playing together. As
they grew older the silliness was still there but also evolved into jokes and
sarcasm. I was okay with the sarcasm as long as it wasn't hurtful or
disrespectful. When the teenage years rolled in the kids would usually
respond to my silly sayings with an "Oh mom!" I'll never forget during
some of our many drives to or from Tennessee, when we still lived in Louisiana,
we would all speak in a British accent. This encouraged us to talk more and
was fun at rest stops and McDonald's. We also listened to a lot of Harry
Potter or as we dubbed him Harvey Poncho.
I lost my
taste for silly when we lost Madison. We, each of us, went into our own world
of grief barely able to help each other or ourselves. No one expects to
lose a child or a sibling so young, even if that child is ill, you just never
give up hope. When we suddenly lost her it was gut wrenching. The last thing I
felt like being was silly. I was lost, broken hearted, angry, devastated; these
feeling don't usually have anything to do with being silly. Silly was very far
away and I am not sure I wanted anything to do with it again.
Eventually
silly trickled back into my life. When I found myself saying something silly at
one point, I felt a little like I wasn't supposed to do that. Slowly I began to
be a little silly again with Dallas, she was often not receptive. Her grief
journey has been different than mine. I wasn't there for her the way I should
have been as her mother. I didn't know what I was doing and I've made so many
mistakes. I know I wasn't there for Derric either. These realizations, and they're not new ones, make me so
sad. After almost five years we are all now further along on the path,
and I hope more enlightened, but we are in progress.
I think
I've gotten some of my silly back. Working with children you cannot help
being silly. I am convinced little children are born to be silly; what a
wonderful thing. I am blessed to have been able to have all those silly fun
times with my own children. I am also blessed to share some silliness with the
children I spend part of my days with at work. What makes me really happy is
that my children and I can share some silly moments again. It doesn't matter
how old we are, a little silliness is a good thing.
