Steel Magnolias

When I first saw the movie Steel Magnolias I thought it was a very good but very sad movie, and that was it.  The day Madison was diagnosed with Marfan syndrome the geneticist told us she should never have children.  My baby girl was eight months old and the doctor was limiting her life already in so many ways with the diagnosis then he laid this information on us.  I immediately had visions of the movie in my head.  I would one day have to tell my daughter she should never have children.  I know he wasn't telling us this to be mean but for us to have realistic expectations.  Not only would there be a fifty percent chance of passing Marfans on to her own children but the pressure a pregnancy would put on her body, especially her heart could be fatal to her and the child.  Now there are many women with Marfans that have had children and are doing just fine.  But even at a mere eight months old doctors suspected Madison had a more severe case of Marfans, and they were right.

When Madison was in her early teens we had that talk.  She talked about having five children from a very young age.  One day she asked if I thought she would be able to have five children.  That is where the discussion began.  We talked about her heart and how being pregnant puts a lot of pressure on a woman's heart and lungs and body in general.  We talked about how adoption could be the answer for her wanting so many children.  We even joked about how she wouldn't have to go through labor pains.  Then one day I was scrolling through the television channels and paused for a few minutes on the movie Steel Magnolias.  Madison had walked into the room behind me and was there for a little while before I noticed.  I went to change the channel but she asked me to leave it on.  After we watched the movie together for a while she said, “That's just like me, the doctor said I shouldn't have children.”  After thinking about it she said, “That's okay, I'll just adopt.”  She was so matter of fact about it and her mind was made up.  We did watch the movie until the end and I think that sealed her decision.

Every once in a while she would talk about how her future husband better like large families.  She wanted to adopt five children and it didn't matter what their race would be.  As a matter of fact she hoped to adopt children of all different races.  Madison could never understand the hate some people felt toward others because of their skin color.  She loved having friends of different races.  It's not that she didn't mind the differences it's that she loved them.  We went to a Catholic church just outside of the French Quarter one time, Our Lady of Guadalupe, and the church was filled with people of many different races.  She leaned over to me and said, “This is how church is supposed to feel and be.” 

The Half Matters

I hear many conversations everyday. I can't help it I work with school age children, and they don't filter anything they say. Sometimes it's very amusing, sometimes annoying, often they actively involve me in their conversations. I try to remember when I was their age, did I talk about the same topics? I'm pretty sure I did.  The other day a little girl, a first grader, told her friend, "I'm six and a half years old." An older girl, (ten years old) chimed in saying, "The half doesn't count, it doesn't matter." This particular older girl, a fifth grader, is very critical of people and I've noticed especially of someone who is supposed to be her best friend.  Today, after making that statement, she took it upon herself to reprimand some younger girls for making fun of another person. Then, just a few minutes later she called her best friend a name for disagreeing with her on another topic. One of those younger girls, a second grader, called out her hypocrisy but not in those words. I thought to myself about the second grader, good girl. So the 7 year old and the 10 year old started having a small argument. The discussion started getting a little intense so I interceded by changing the subject with a question about school.  I wish now, after thinking about it, that I had asked a different question.

I wish I had asked the ten year old, "Why doesn't the half matter?" You see I think it matters tremendously and obviously so did the six and a half year old or she wouldn't have said it. Very young kids often get things right but we dismiss them simply because they are very young. I remember the first time I met my step daughter Noelle, she told me she was, "four and a half." That half was so important to her. As my other kids were growing up if I left the half off of their age when saying it they would quickly and proudly add that half.  It is a measure of their time, God, yes I'm talking to God, I wish I knew another concept that didn't inconveniently fluctuate so randomly as time seems to.  It is hard to unlearn a concept that's been drilled into your head since you could understand the spoken word. I would love to find and learn a new way to measure our passage in this life. I wonder though if my brain could comprehend such a thing. 

That half has been very important to me since losing Madison. I had her with me for sixteen and a half years.  I'll never give up that half. That half came after her near death just seven months earlier.  That half means the world to me, my kids mean the world to me.  Every moment I spend with them is important to me whether we are getting along and having fun, or arguing with each other. My children are worth my love, my time, my tears and my fight. I'll never stop loving my children, and I'll always have time for them.  I will always pray for them and fight for them and when I am so inclined shed tears for them.  What matters to one person may not to another, so we shouldn't diminish what another person feels is important just because we don't feel the same. Being around children I am reminded everyday of the person I am and the person I want to be.  Life is a constant learning experience, and children have a way of making you really look at yourself.  I'll hang on to my half, thank you very much, and I'm sure most kids and some adults will too.

 No halves today though. Today is Madison's birthday.  She would have been twenty two years old.  She is missed everyday!