I wrote this about a year ago but for some reason didn’t post it to the blog. I just found in on my tablet and decided to share it.
For just a few seconds in October (2014) I forgot she was gone. I had a thought that Madison was still with us. It was a silly thought really, about labeling things with our first initials. I thought, “well that won’t work because we have two “D” names, Derric and Dallas and two “M” names, Mark and Madison.” Then it hit me like a punch. After five years I could not believe I had that moment. All I could do then was cry. It was so fast and unexpected it took me by surprise. I was devastated all over again. Unfortunately I had to be at work in a matter of minutes so I wiped my tears blew my nose and tried to pull myself together. I guess I have become pretty good at compartmentalizing.
That experience was so sad. For a little while it felt like I was back to square one. The scary thing is how easy it would be to go there, square one. Then again I don’t know if I could stay in my pajamas all day and wallow and cry. I did that for a while. I don’t want to be that person. I know Madison wouldn’t want me to be that person; and the rest of my family wouldn’t want that either.
So for a few blissful yet heartbreaking moments I forgot that the worst day of my life happened. I thought Madison was still with us. I was thinking of her in a way that I had not done in years. I usually am thinking about one or all of my children, I love them all so much.
