15 Years

  I can’t believe it’s been 15 years since I held you, kissed your cheek, talked with you, laughed with you and took care of you.  I miss you so much!  We all do.  I’m sad that Leslie and Dennis will never really know you except for the stories we tell them.  You would love them both, like we do.  I’m sad that you didn’t get to finish growing up with Derric and Dallas, you would be so proud of them, like we are.

    Some days, especially today your feast day, I feel all the emotions of your loss.  On these days I have to sit back and just feel them, I don’t want to cover them up.  I’ll always miss you but today I allow myself to reflect more, on your last day, your first day and some of the days in between.

There’s nothing I love more than spending time with my children.  When they were younger I missed them when they were in school, not everyday but most days.  I loved bringing them to Blockbuster on Friday’s after school.  I loved watching movies with them and dancing in the house with them and just talking with them and learning their likes and dislikes.

Fall has always been my favorite time of year, but now it’s punctuated by the worst day.  But it was always Madison’s favorite time too, I remember how much she loved Halloween.  Her favorite holiday (food wise) though was Thanksgiving.  She loved seeing our extended family and eating a whole turkey wing or two.

Madison may not be physically here but my love for her will never die.

Thirty One

     Today Madison would have been 31 years old.  I still wonder what she would be doing now if she were still here.  One thing I know for sure is that she would be very happy for her sister Dallas.  Dallas is getting married to a lovely young man named Dennis.  Yes once again we are adding to the family.  I have a bonus daughter in Leslie and now a bonus son in Dennis.  I'm so happy for him to be part of the family but then he's felt like part of the family for a while now.  I also know that Madison would have loved Dennis too.

    When I think about where we were as a family 14 years ago I could not have imagined today, I and we were so wrought with grief that it felt like betrayal to think about happier times to come.  But I also know that that is what Madison would have wanted.  I'm sure she's quite pleased by how far we've all come from where we were all those years ago after she left us.  

    I still miss her like crazy and still cry for her or rather for me because I miss her so much.  I know she's here with us as we celebrate the marriage of Dallas & Dennis but I wish she were here in a different way so that I could hug her again.  I know we all feel that way, those of us who knew her best and love her.  I know she gives her blessing to their marriage as do we.  I am filled with so much love for my children, all my children.