Louisiana 2006

Louisiana

November 2006

Louisiana, Cajun Country where we are all one big community. The people are great, the food is outstanding, and Mardi Gras would have to be the greatest blowout. I just love Louisiana!

Sundays are great, because you got good food, and you get to watch football. I mean what could possibly be better than eating crawfish or catfish while watching the Saints? Red beans and rice are good too, but they are better on Mondays if you ask me. Sometimes I wonder how down here in Cajun country you can burn food and everyone says, “It’s fine,” and call it, “blackened.” Louisiana, a great place, and part of the reason to me would have to be the food.

In Louisiana the people help make it great. After hurricane Katrina every person came together in order to help one another. In Louisiana your family, your friends, the lady at the Albertsons that you have seen forever, these are the people that make Louisiana the place it has become. When I walk down the streets I am over come with joy when I see some one and I can put a smile on their face. Call me naïve but underneath all the crime there lies a beautiful community.

Mardi Gras, I like to call it the biggest blowout in all of Louisiana. My favorite part of Mardi Gras would be when I catch doubloons. Beads are cool too, but I collect doubloons. Mardi Gras means, “Fat Tuesday.” This tradition turns out to be great fun.

Louisiana is the place where you and I are from. If I were to make a museum of Louisiana I would have the food, a picture of the Saints and LSU, information about the people, some old and new. And last but most certainly not least, umbrellas, beads, doubloons and anything else about Mardi Gras. My home, my community, my Louisiana.

I thought that now would be a good time to share Madison’s paper on Louisiana, since Mardi Gras is just around the corner. I believe she wrote this in her 8^th grade year. Madison truly did love Louisiana and not just because she had to write a paper about it. It’s a special place in many ways.

Sometimes life just seems to move at a slower pace in Louisiana. Maybe it’s because the people are always ready to stop what they are doing to have a party. Madison always enjoyed when we had parties. It meant good food and plenty of it; spending time with people we didn’t see everyday and usually, swimming.

I don’t know that Madison ever watched more than a few minutes of a Saints game but if we had friends over, like I said before there would be plenty good food. Madison & Derric & Dallas liked going to the parades, especially when they were little. They can be quite beautiful and the kids enjoyed catching all the trinkets. For the most part Madison would sit in her wheele chair in the back so that she could see the floats better and not get hit by beads flying at her. People often threw lots of stuff to her but she couldn’t see well enough to catch anything. So in order not to get hit in the face she stayed in the back and would often direct Dallas to the things she missed on the ground. They were like a tag team.

Madison also like it very much when we went places and people knew her because we had visited that certain place since she was a baby. I know that can happen anywhere but it made her feel special. I know my kids felt special when ever we went to the French Quarter Festival. They would not want to go but once we got there they had fun. My girls loved getting macaroni & cheese from room service; and swimming in the hotel pool was high on the list too. They liked hanging out in Mawmaw & Pawpaw’s room with our family & friends visiting and people watching on the balcony. One time Pawpaw got a musician friend, Leroy, to come up to the room and play Happy Birthday to her on his trumpet. I know that made her feel quite special. Her birthday is usually near the festival.

Madison, Derric & Dallas’ absolute favorite thing about the festival was to go to the French Market to spend their money. The last FQF we went to Madison bought herself an orange t-shirt that said, “Property of Bourbon Street Jail.” She wore that with orange pants to a Sadie Hawkins dance and got her date to dress like a policeman…she was his prisoner. There’s that wicked sense of humor.

We liked playing tourist in New Orleans and I think our, off the beaten path, times there are very special. We have many good memories from our years in Louisiana. I think that slower Louisiana pace suited Madison just fine, that was her pace. We discovered many interesting things in the French Quarter and other parts of Louisiana by moseying instead of running.

Bell Ringer 2007

August 2007 Bell ringers

I hope to accomplish top marks in all my classes.

In ten years I see myself in college.

I admire my mom because she deals with me.

I hope to learn stuff I don’t know.

I don’t know what I’m doing for the weekend.

I value my family and friends.

My values are my family and friends.

I don’t know what kind of job I will get in high school.

My favorite thing about high school so far is lunch of coarse!

Unfortunately death is something you need to do alone.

This was obviously an assignment Madison had early in her freshman year of high school. I know she hoped to make good grades, but was often too tired by the end of the day to give her studies the full attention they needed. It seems especially math; still in college in 10 years?

Madison told me one day that she only said she planned on going to college so that the counselors at school would leave her alone. She was not sure she wanted to go to college and toward the end of sophomore year she really didn’t see it happening. I encouraged her too take classes that would help her if she ever changed her mind. I didn’t care if she went to college. I just wanted her to be happy and I know she wanted to feel useful. She often asked me, “Mama what do you think I’ll be able to do when I get older to earn money?” It was on her mind that she wanted to be able to take care of herself. She would even sometimes apologize for being a burden. I always assured her she was never a burden. I told her that, “I take care of you and Derric and Dallas because I love you all…that’s what parents do.” I would tease her and say that one day she would have to take care of me. Well I know at least that I have one more angel in heaven praying for me.

She wrote me a thank you letter one day at school saying thank you for dealing with me. That just sounded so negative, I never had to “deal” with her. I would “deal” with things or situations or sometimes people I didn’t like, but never my kids. Yes I had to “deal” with the sometimes frequent fighting between Madison and Dallas or their messy rooms. But that isn’t the same as “dealing” with them. She was skeptical when we talked about it, but I think she got it.

Yes, Madison loved learning new things…as long as it could be learned via the television. She often said, “Why can’t they put school in the form of a movie?” She had an incredible memory when it came to things she watched, like television shows or movies. Even when they would watch documentaries in class she could remember everything. She didn’t need to take many notes if a teacher’s lecture was interesting she’d remember it all. For a long time that’s how she learned because she struggled with reading when she was very young. I would read the books and handouts to her and she’d remember them

Madison’s friends were like a second family to her. If someone took the time to get to know her then he or she were her friend, they couldn’t help it. She learned the value of real friends very young, 3^rd grade to be exact. That’s when the little girls in her class began to notice that Madison was different. Madison didn’t just look different she acted different too. She had such a wicked sense of humor even at a very young age. Sometimes things would come out of her mouth and I had to remind myself that she was only a little girl. She knew how to use the English language well. There were times when she would use a new word, then ask if she had used it right. The boys didn’t care that she was different. With them she could be as goofy and sarcastic as she wanted. Until high school, Madison always had more guy friends then girl friends.

Madison knew she couldn’t get a job while in high school. Homework was job enough for her to handle. She also had a dog to take care of.

I’ve said before that Madison had a healthy appetite. So there is no doubt that lunch would be her favorite time of the school day. That’s when she held court with her friends in the cafeteria. It’s a wonder they had time to eat with all the talking that went on.

I wonder what prompted Madison to write the last line of the bell ringer. I can easily assume what the questions were for all of the other lines but this one. It puzzles me. In some of her poems she seems to know that she won’t be here very long. At first I thought it was because she, unlike most young people had to face the possibility of death at a very young age due to her many surgeries. Or maybe because she had had several loved ones die between 2002 – 2007. What ever made her write this, there is no denying that it is true. She was a very intuitive person. Due to her being sick a lot she often had more time than most to think and examine life. She may have been alone in her death but I think not for long. I know there were many people who love her waiting in that bright light to lead her on her way. I know she’ll be waiting there for me when my time comes.

Danny

When Madison was a little girl, about 9 or 10 years old she had an evaluation at school. It was for special services due to her physical disability done by a physical therapist. That therapist happened to be an old friend of mine, Tammy. We had been friends since we were very young and as it goes in life sometimes, we lost touch after graduation. Anyway Tammy evaluated Madison then asked her some questions. She asked Madison if she could have any 3 things in the world what would those be. Tammy said Madison didn’t need long to think, her first answer was world peace, her second was that no one would ever be hurt and her third was for a puppy. Tammy said, “You better get that baby a puppy or I will.”

Madison didn’t get that puppy right away. When she was 13, just 6 months after her back surgery in 2006, we got Danny. He’s a Welsh Pembroke Corgi; he’s adorable and bad as can be and very lucky he’s so cute. Danny adored Madison, she taught him how to open her door by pulling a string and he rarely left her side. When she left the house he would wait by the front door for hours. Then he would go looking in the usual places for her. I would tell him, “Go see your mama,” and he would run to find her and stay with her. I don’t say, “mama,” around Danny anymore, I didn’t want to confuse him. There are still some nights at bedtime when he heads toward her door. She loved him so very much. I feel bad when I remember being angry with Danny for some of the things he did. I know Madison also felt bad. I wonder if he misses her too.

God how I miss that child, I never knew such consistent aching in the middle of my body. But if this is a fraction of the pain Madison lived with daily, and at such a young age, I’ll endure. Thank you God for our time with Madison.

8-25-08 Danny

I battle with a disease, and I have had many loved ones die, but oddly enough the most significant thing to happen in my life occurred when I was thirteen. I can remember it like it was yesterday…

We were in the car on our way to Mississippi, and my sister Dallas and I were sitting in the back seat. My parents were listening to music and my brother Derric had decided to stay at home. I was so excited. I don’t think I slept much the night before. I kept thinking it was a dream, like I was going to wake up any minute and realize this was all a cruel joke. But it wasn’t.

I was relieved when we finally arrived at the McDonalds’. No this story isn’t about my quest for the “perfect” cheeseburger; I’m still searching for that. We had to meet the person there because she lived too far away. Anyway we got to the McDonalds’ and my heart was pounding so hard that I could feel it pulsing through my fingertips. A lady got out of the car next to us, and what she was carrying was possibly the most adorable, gorgeous ball of fluff I had ever seen, ever in the history of the world.

He was all curled up in her arms, and staring at me through the window. His fur was 3 different colors: black, red-brown and white. As he stared at me through the window with those intensely big almond brown eyes, he smiled at me. I was astonished. I mean I have never seen a dog smile before that wasn’t computer generated to do so. He was perfect in every way imaginable, spunky, sweet, beautiful, and intelligent and best of all he was mine, all mine. When I got out of the car to hold him, he did it again. Was it possible for a dog to smile as beautiful as he did? When I held him, he seemed to know me. He curled up in my arms and rested.

On our way home he slept. He didn’t want to leave my lap and I didn’t want that either. The whole ride home I was stroking his huge ears and whispering his name “Danny Zuko mine forever.” He’s been my confidant, everything I can’t tell to anyone else I tell him. He listens to me. I mean he really listens and I know that sounds crazy but it’s true. The way humans look you in the eye to listen, only he seems to understand, and he is my Greatest Treasure.

(And yes, Danny does smile sometimes and he also winks.)

Begin another year

So, we begin another year without our Madison. It’s still so unreal that she isn’t here, another year of holidays without her. She loved Halloween and Christmas best of all. In late September 2009 Madison and I had gone to Hobby Lobby and saw all the Christmas decorations going up next to the Halloween. She was excited to see them all. She couldn’t wait to decorate a little Christmas tree for her bedroom. Murray and Brooke got it for her after her heart surgery in Baltimore, December 2008.

That day in the store she was happy to find ornaments in all the colors that she wanted, colors that complimented the bright green we painted her room. My poor baby never got to decorate it so Dallas and I did it for her. It was beautiful and will go up every year in her bedroom.

This was her favorite time of year. She loved the change of weather for a lot of reasons. The cooler weather made it easier for her to spend time outside. She got tired so fast and the heat would drain her to the point that she never wanted to be outside. She loved the promise of what was to come…Halloween then Thanksgiving and Christmas. She loved giving her friends gifts, and all the yummy holiday food and candy. You wouldn’t know it to look at her but Madison had a very healthy appetite. She would try any food she was given and more often then not enjoyed it. We miss our girl so very much. Time doesn’t heal all wounds.

Time

Embrace the feeling of time standing still. That one emotion that builds and it just builds. You can’t hold it in much longer; you think that you have to be stronger. When you couldn’t be wronger.

When people try to help, you just keep going straight through; because you don’t know if it’s true. Won’t let anyone try to help you.

Embrace the feeling of life, as it is, that building emotion, you know what it is. You have to be true to yourself, because until then you can’t help anyone else.

You have to be true to you. You need to express your feelings so you can find their true meanings.

Life

So, Dallas came home from school yesterday and told me about a conversation she had with a friend of hers. Until this year they hadn’t really known each other very well. This friend, Katherine told Dallas that her sister, Elizabeth knew Madison; they had a couple of classes together last year and talked. She said that she really liked Madison and thought she was funny. Elizabeth was very sad when she heard that Madison had died.

About 5 minutes after Dallas told me this story I started to cry, almost sob. I was glad that someone here in Knoxville got to know her a little. I know that there were a couple of girls she was starting to make friends with, and that another very nice girl helped her everyday. They had lunch everyday together and talked. I’m sure there was more than one person at Madison’s school who was sad that she died. It was just nice to hear about it so unexpectedly. I’m so glad Katherine told Dallas this story.

I know all of Madison’s friends in Louisiana miss her very much, we all do. Sometimes it’s just too much to bear. I guess I need to follow Madison's advice, no matter how hard.

Life

Life is crazy, life is sad, and every once in a while it’s going to make you mad.

But you just got to keep going on, you just got to keep going, flowing, rolling with the punches. Take what you get and get what you take. And try your hardest not to break or fall apart, but if you do then you just got to keep going on. And you just got to keep it strong because life’s tough, life’s hard. Start getting it together ‘cause that’s the only way it’s going to get any better.

Because life’s crazy, life’s sad and more than likely it’s going to make you mad.

By Madison

What we used to be

What we used to be

You tell me what to do, you tell me what to say, I’m startin to think you only want things your way. But that’s not fair and that’s not right, and if you don’t think I’ll put up a fight, well then what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you acting this way? How dare you think you can treat me this way and still expect me to stay around. How dare you think you control my life. I have enough pain and strife without you screwing things up. My life is tough enough.

You tell me I’m difficult, you say I don’t listen, why are you doing this to me? Where did it all go wrong? What the hell is wrong with us? What has gotten into us? Why are we acting this way? How dare you think you can treat me this way, and still expect me to stay around. How dare you think you control my life. I have enough pain and strife without you screwing things up. So do me a favor and just shut up.

I think it’s better if we go our separate ways, ‘cause you’re not what I thought you were and I’m not what you wanted, you’ve made that pretty clear. So I think it best if we part my dear. Well now I know what’s wrong with us, when push came to shove we weren’t strong enough to stay and that’s why it’s best if we go our separate ways. But a part of you will still remain with me. This will remain a testament to what we used to be.

I think Madison wrote the poem above sometime in the 8th grade. She had such insight, it still blows my mind. I find myself everyday thinking what would Madison have said or done in different situations. Madison never pretended to be anything else other than who she was. If someone had unrealistic expectaions of Madison she made her opinion known. She really felt like why waste time pretending to be something you're not because the truth will always be found out in the long run. She was very mature for her age but had fun being a kid.

She loved her babydolls for a long time. She loved coloring. She loved her stuffed animals till the day she left us. She loved being in Disney and seeing the characters. However she also loved Lifetime original movies, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Vampire Diaries, That 70's Show, sewing, drawing, painting, jewlery making, knitting, and her friends and her family.

We love and miss her everyday. Life is so different without Madison in it.

One Year

One year ago today was a good day…until it wasn’t. One year ago today was a beautiful day…until it wasn’t.

The day started out like most others. Dallas went to school, Mark to work. Madison’s homebound teacher gave her a math lesson. I took her to the doctor and he said she was fine. We picked up lunch then went to the grocery. That evening we ate dinner and watched some TV. It started to rain.

Why didn’t I know something was wrong? Why didn’t she know until it was too late? Why did we only have 16 ½ years together?

When Madison was 9 years old her cardiologist, Dr. Stopa said that when he started treating Madison he had not expected her to live as long as she had. He said her heart was not perfect but, “it’s a strong little heart and it just keeps on pumping.” It was hard to hear that he had not thought she would live so long. When I think about it now I wonder, was she living on borrowed time? I’m not sure I even know what that expression means really. Borrowed time, aren’t we all on borrowed time? None of us will be on this earth forever. But why are some here for such a brief time?

One year ago today I lost one of my precious children, my Madison. We miss everything about her, her amazing sense of humor, her wise cracks, her laugh, her thumping footsteps and her big hugs. There’s too much to list, everyone who loved her misses her every minute of every day.

One year ago today was the worst day of my life.

Have the Wish

I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I make tonight. I wish I could see you again, I miss you everyday. I see you way up there and wonder away, I wonder why He made you leave. I love you very much.

I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I make tonight. I wish I could see you again because you were like my best friend. I miss you more than ever. I long for the day when we can be together, forever and ever.

By Madison Boudreaux

(I think she wrote this after PawPaw died in May 2007)

Madison & Dallas

The relationship between my 2 daughters Madison and Dallas was like most sisters close in age…hot and cold. There were times when they were the best of friends and completely enjoyed each other’s company. Like the time they zipped their jackets together while we were at the French Quarter Festival because they were bored listening to Dixieland Jazz. They were there for each other when one got hurt. I’ll never forget when a little girl was mean to Dallas at school Madison was very angry. She said, “no one can pick on my little sister but me!” One time Madison fell and cut her knee while they were coming home from a friend’s house. Dallas helped Madison to our neighbor’s house that they were near to get help.

Then there were times when they would literally be at each other’s throats. I can remember hearing Madison scream, “I’m gonna strangle you!” Madison had very long arms and her slender hands were stronger that you would think. I had to physically get between them to stop the fight. Dallas did her share of antagonizing, actually quite a bit of it, but I can laugh about it now.

I know it wasn’t easy for Dallas watching her get a lot of attention because Madison was often sick. She would have given anything not to be sick and needing that kind of attention. I know they truly loved each other though; they were often very caring and loving to one another when they didn’t think anyone was watching. Dallas misses her sister very much, we all do. I would give anything to hear them fighting, or laughing together again.

The house is so quiet now. It’s been quite an adjustment for all of us. I know it’s hard for Dallas not having her sister here to talk to and hang out with. She probably even misses the fights too. I know from experience that the fights would have stopped and the friendship last forever. I don’t know what I would have done this past year without the love and support from my sisters. Thank you, Jennifer, Vickie and Cynthia for letting me talk, vent and cry on your shoulders.

Memorial

At Madison’s memorial, some of her friends got up to talk about their experiences. Some of their stories were funny, some were sad and some were a little crazy. All of the stories were told with love. She knew Sean the longest of all her friends, since they were 5 years old, they were like brother and sister. Madison and Sean shared the bond of being physically disabled. They understood the reality of physical pain, the fear of surgery and the emotional pain of not being able to do what other kids can. But as they got older Madison and Sean made great friends who did all they could to include them, and in Sean’s case they still do. The love that Madison’s friends feel for her is such a comfort. To know that people who loved her almost always surrounded her is a wonderful thing.

Sean told a funny story about Madison bopping him on the head when he would say certain things. I think he would say crazy stuff just to aggravate her, knowing she would give him a, “love tap,” that’s what he called it. After the memorial a former friend of mine came up to me and said, “Madison was a hitter, I didn’t know she was a hitter.” Of all the wonderful stories of love and kindness and acceptance, this woman latched on to that. I was stunned that she would say this to me, and in the tone that she did. It was that moment I wished I had Madison’s amazing ability to have the perfect comeback. Of coarse I didn’t quite know what to say, so I let it slide, but obviously it has bothered me ever since.

What would I say to this former friend now? “How dare you make assumptions about my daughter? You didn’t even know her.” I know, still not the perfect comeback, but I have decided her judgments don’t matter. We who were blessed to have known Madison, know that she was more than just a girl who gave one of her very best friends’ “love taps.” As her friends put on a special picture board, Madison was, “a totally awesome friend.”

Mardi Gras Ball

When Madison was in kindergarten she went to Oaks Montessori School. Every year they had a Mardi Gras ball and chose a king, queen and court. That year Madison was chosen as Queen of the Mardi Gras ball. Derric was in 3^rd grade and chosen to be a duke. She was very excited, we all were. My mom made her a beautiful dress of red satin and white tulle. She put shinny red hearts in the tulle and made her a wreath of red hearts to wear on her head. She looked very pretty in her dress. When she walked out onto the middle of the floor with the king she was smiling so big yet seemed a little shy about it all. After the court was introduced the king and queen danced for about 30 seconds then Madison danced with her daddy. That was her first official father daughter dance, her only. She danced with her daddy and papaw at weddings but that was her only real father daughter dance and I didn’t realize it until I typed it just now. She was only 5 years old. I still have the dress. I miss you baby.

Free Will

The summer that Madison was 7 years old, one night while taking a bath she didn’t want to wash her hair. With one last attempt to get her way she shouted, “we have free will here!” After we both stopped laughing I washed her hair. She was definitely paying attention during religion class…in the first grade.

Madison was a person who was just naturally funny. She had such a quick wit. I wish I had written down all the incredible things that came out of my girl’s mouth. She made me laugh absolutely every day. One of my favorite things is listening to my kids laugh. I miss hearing Madison’s laugh. But it makes me so happy when I hear Derric and Dallas laughing. I’ll never forget how she called Derric, “boy,” until she could say his name; or how she used to smile and pet Dallas as she lay in her basinet. I love my kids so much.

I’m so glad I told Madison everyday, “I love you.” I’ve always told my kids’ everyday that I love them. I want them to know even when we don’t agree I love them. Madison used to tell me in a singsong way, “I love ya mommy, you’re the best mommy in the world.” After she died I didn’t feel like the, “best mommy in the world.” I felt like a failure.

I know that Madison forgives me for my mistakes as a mom, her heart may not have been strong but it was so full of love and forgiveness. As the 11 month anniversary draws near I don’t constantly run the, what if game in my head any more. But it creeps in every now and then. My amazing daughter, I imagine is now watching over her amazing brother and sister, Derric and Dallas. Everyday I wonder what would Madison say?

"Did You Ever?"

God how I miss you; I miss everything about you. I miss the funny things you used to say, and the way your beautiful thick brown hair hung over your left eye. I miss your hamster dance and the way your long soft fingers felt on my face. I miss the arguments between you and Dallas and watching you snuggle Danny. I miss our conversations about anything, everything and nothing. I know you needed me but did you ever think that I needed you too? It is so lonely here without you. I miss the way our family used to be when you were here, complete.

My dear girl, I know that you had more than your share of pain in the 16 years that you were here. I did my best to relieve it; I just wish it had been enough. I know that your pain is gone now. I just wish that we could have had more time with you. I hope you don’t mind that I’m sharing your poems. I love you forever, mama.

Did you ever?

Did you ever wish that you were like the others in your life? Did you ever wish that your life weren’t filled with so much pain and strife? Did you ever try to wish away the tears? Did you ever try to run away? Did you shut everyone out ‘cause you figure they don’t care? Do you hide the pain inside and pretend it’s just not there?

Everyone has secrets and everyone has pain but most of us don’t show it. In the most simplistic ways we all know what it’s like to have pain deep down inside whether physical, emotional or mental. We all try to ignore it and forget it’s in our life, but deep down you know your scared ‘cause in some way you’re impaired; and most of the time that information is hardly or never shared.

Did you ever think that maybe it’s our differences that make us the same?

By Madison Boudreaux

Vacation

We used to joke around and say that Baby Grandpa was on an extended vacation after he died. He would be traveling in Europe or Asia or maybe even Australia. After Pawpaw passed away (quite a few months after) we would say they were traveling together. I know it sounds morbid, but I guess that’s how we cope; laughter instead of tears. Well I hope there will be less tears. So I decided to look up the definition of the word vacation.

Vacation – 1. an extended period of recreation especially away from home or in traveling.

2. the action of leaving something one previously occupied.

I hope to be able to be able to think of you and not want to always cry. I love the idea of in your heaven you are traveling with family too. After all, you did leave a place that you previously occupied.

We recently went to one of your favorite places, Disney. It just wasn’t the same, will anything be? Of coarse not. Finding our/my new normal has been difficult to say the least. What is normal anyway?

I miss you more than I can say. I hope your heaven is all that you could ever want, whether it’s traveling or laying on the sofa watching That 70’s Show with a puppy on your lap, and eating salt & vinegar potato chips. I love you baby, with all my heart!

"You're Not Alone"

Madison always had a strong faith in God, stronger than even I realized, until I found her writings. She always walked to the beat of a different drummer. We never pushed her or any of our kids to conform and she took that philosophy to heart. Her favorite shirt had skull & cross bones wearing pink bows. She was sarcastic and very dry in her sense of humor and wit. Not many people knew of her strong faith but her generosity and love was evident. She always prayed for God to relieve her pain. I did too; I just wish He had let her stay with me. My poor baby suffered too long. When I read her poems I know there is only one place she can be right now, in heaven and feeling no pain.

You’re not Alone

When things don’t go your way again and again, and you feel like every time you pray your just wasting time and air. You want to scream and you want to cry. You want to find a place to go and hide away ‘cause you feel like nothing’s going your way; and you feel like you have no place safe to stay.

You always feel lonely in a crowded room. You feel as if your life is flying past you. You want to go back but you know you can’t. You’re struggling just looking for a helping hand. You feel as if all hope is gone, like there is no way to keep going strong.

But you know, you’re not alone. There’s always someone to protect you, a little angel sent to help you. It just goes to show you’re never truly alone. Angels hear you crying from above, they want to hold you and wrap you in God’s endless love.

You’ve always got a friend. Someone to help you pick up again, ‘cause God wants you to know you’re never alone. No you’re never alone, you’re never truly alone, never alone.

"This is My Life"

Two days after Madison passed away, I found some of the poems and songs that she had written over the years. They are beautiful, haunting, prophetic and sad. It was obvious that she mostly wrote when she was sad which makes me glad that I only found about 25 not 250. I wanted to share her beautiful poems with everyone who loved her, so I had my mission. I decided just days after finding the first few poems that I would find them all and create a book called Madison’s Gift. The process of reading these poems was at times gut wrenching, but I typed them all out and have started the process of getting them published. I’d like to share some of her poems here. I’ll be posting them one at a time. I hope you like them.

This is my Life

My life can be unbearable and in no way am I normal. I’m just a girl living in a cruel vindictive world. It hurts to be so strong; sometimes my pain feels like I won’t survive. It feels wrong to be so young with so much strife, but that, that is my life.

No one knows the pain inside, I feel like no one cares, and more than anything I hate when people stare. They look at me with sorrow, there’s pity in their eyes, and what I want to say to them I cover with a smile. It hurts to be so strong; sometimes my pain feels like I won’t survive. It feels wrong to be so young with so much strife, but that, that is my life.

Pain will never leave us, not until we die. With out pain there would be no love or life. Don’t ever let it consume you. Don’t let your pain rule you. Yes it’s hard to be so strong sometimes, but don’t let it keep you from living your life! Yes I know it’s wrong and I know it’s unfair and I know it’s a huge burden to bear.

I know this is true, trust me I know it’s not fair. Just don’t let it rule you, don’t you ever let it consume you, ‘cause this is not my life. No this won’t be my life.

Her bicycle

Madison was born with Marfan syndrome, a connective tissue disorder. www.marfan.org Mark new it from the beginning. I didn’t want to believe it until a doctor could confirm it, but deep down I knew it was true. That confirmation came just days before her 1st Christmas, she was only 8 months old. And so it began, regular visits to the cardiologist, orthopedic, pulmonologist, opthamologist, and at odd time other specialists to answer questions that the others couldn’t. We were determined to stay on top of any issue that would come up, and for a long time we did. She had some pain pretty regularly from the time she was in 2nd grade. We were able to manage it pretty well though. The pain didn’t really slow her down until she was in about 5th grade. That’s when she started using a wheel chair if we were going someplace that required a lot of walking. Then she began to need it at school to get to the cafeteria or church. Each year she needed a little more.

Madison hated being left behind. She hated feeling like she couldn’t keep up. When she was 8 Santa brought her very first bike. It was an adult 3-wheeled bicycle. Her cardiologist said absolutely no to a 2-wheeled bike but he said, “OK” to the 3-wheeled. The excitement on her face was all I needed that Christmas. She told my mom, “Granny I feel free ‘cause I can go fast!” For the first time she was able to keep up with the other kids. She used to let her little sister Dallas ride in the basket. When they got a bit older Dallas used to give Madison rides. Even though she loved it, as her pain grew she rode her bike less and less. She developed other interests, like jewelry making and knitting (with a knitting machine), and reading. These didn’t require as much energy. But she did love that bike.