Regrets

Dallas recently heard someone say that they, "have 2 kids and regret it." What a terrible thing to say.  It made me so sad that a mother would feel that way, but I was sadder for those 2 children.  They may not realize anything now because considering the approximate age of the girl who admitted those regrets I'm sure her kids are quite young.  The feelings if true, might affect how the girl interacts with her children.  I wonder, will they grow up feeling unloved or unwanted?  Will they wonder, "why is mommy always mad?"  Will they grow up to be angry selfish people?  Hopefully the opposite will be the case.

Here is a person, it seems, who does not appreciate the amazing gifts she has been given.  After having my first child, Derric, I was overwhelmed by the awesome responsibility placed in my hands.  I take being a mom seriously.  It’s my job to make sure I do all that I can to raise decent human beings.  That means teaching them about love, kindness, self-discipline, respect and so much more.  The best way I know to teach these things is by example.  I admit that I have made mistakes along the way but having my children has never been one of them. If I regretted my kids I don’t know that I would care enough to try and be a good mom?  I hope what that girl comes to regret someday soon, is feeling that regret, and saying those words, or even thinking those thoughts.

You may be wondering what does this have to do with Madison?  In my eyes it has quite a bit to do with her.  I do not regret one moment I spent with my sweet girl.  Even though I have unbelievable pain because of her loss, I would not trade it, if it meant never knowing her.  My Madison truly was a one of a kind.  I cannot fathom never having been her mother.  She helped shape the person I am, as I helped shape who she was.  I think that's how it is with all children and their parents, no matter the age of either party. 

I am sorry for people who don’t appreciate the lives they have been given; whether it is their own or their child's.  I am also sorry for all of the new people in our lives that will never get to know Madison, but through us.  I may have a few regrets at the end of my life but having my children, will never be one of them.

The Closet

How do I empty her closet?  How can I empty the closet of someone I love and miss so much that her absence brings tears to my eyes daily?  I am trying.  Every few weeks I go into Madison’s room and either rearrange, repurpose or finally find something I can part with.  For example, today I found a roll of tape and a basket that I can use in the foyer closet.  Dallas thinks it’s morbid to see if any friends want her, “dead sister’s,” clothes.  I only asked, not using those words, because a couple of her friends are quite thin like Madison was; and she had cute things.

I will eventually make myself a quilt out of her favorite t-shirts, eventually.  Madison had quite a few stuffed animals, and she loved them all.  I haven’t been able to part with any of these yet.  Maybe, just maybe I’ll part with a few this Christmas and give as gifts.

I know that I am moving at a snails pace, but I don’t care.  I can’t just say, “let’s get rid of all this stuff it’s taking up space.”  I think of this thing that I am doing, kind of like getting into a cold swimming pool.  Some people jump right in, but not me.  I inch, and I do mean inch my way in so that I can acclimate to the temperature.  I know it has been almost 4 years and she’s not coming back.  Getting rid of all her things, or most, too quickly feels harsh; as if I’m losing her all over again.  That’s why I do this task slowly, yes inch by inch.  Besides I like having some of her things around, they comfort me.

Madison’s “stuff,” may keep me in the past a little bit but I’m ok with that.  There are those who would say this sort of thinking is unhealthy, that doesn’t bother me.  Drinking soda or eating greasy food is unhealthy if that is all you eat.  All my days are not spent wallowing in the past, not anymore at least.

Madison existed, she was a huge part of my life and I won’t pretend otherwise.  She is still affecting my life.  There are things I do everyday because of the conversations she and I had.  I think knowing her has made me a better person; I hope everyone who knew her can say the same thing.  Actually I can say that about all my kids, they have taught me many things about love, patience, being open minded, tolerance and the list could go on.  My home and my life will always be about the past, the present and the future.

For Sale

We have decided to put our house in Louisiana back on the market.  For the first time in years, while talking about it, the thought of selling our former home gave me a sentimental reaction.  I have many happy memories in that house.  It was the first house I could truly call mine.  I raised my kids in that house.  We had so many family gatherings for holidays or birthdays in that house.  There were also many crawfish boils and New Year’s Eve parties, all in that house, our home.

It’s funny; when we moved to Tennessee we thought we would have a similar life here.  I knew it wouldn’t be the same but hoped it would over time be, like I said similar.  Maybe it would have been if we hadn’t lost Madison.  That’s where the sentimentality comes from.  Don’t get me wrong Mark and I have always been, for the most part homebodies, we just miss our family a lot, and Madison just loved our home in Tickfaw Louisiana so much.  She loved being there because it’s where she felt the most comfortable.  For a girl who lived in almost constant physical pain, comfort was a very important thing.  I do think she was starting to really like our home in Tennessee too.

I keep telling Mark, and myself, that the memories are in our head not the house.  But that’s not entirely true, is it?  Every inch of that house has a memory for those of us who lived there; after all we spent almost 23 years in it.

The year 2009 over shadowed all the good memories for me for a long time.  That house in Tickfaw became like an, “albatross,” around my neck.  There was so much to do once we decided to move to Tennessee; also Madison was having a very difficult recovery after surgery in December 2008.  So instead of focusing most of my time on caring for my kids, my energy felt severely fractured.  Of coarse the kids came first, I just felt like I couldn’t stop.  Mark had already moved to TN and was dealing with unforeseen dilemmas.  Madison was hospitalized for a month in March 2009 and other family issues weighed heavily on us as well.  All those little projects that we put off were now glaring at us as stumbling blocks to selling the house.  I don’t know what we would have done without the help of family and friends, especially Cynthia, Murray and Murray III.  Finally by August 2009 we got most everything done and put it on the market.  We did all we could do, so we thought, but the house didn’t sell.

I began to hate that house after we lost Madison in October 2009.  I saw all the time I had to spend on it in those last few months as stolen time from my children especially Madison.  I began to resent the fact that I had to spend so much energy on that house when I should have been more focused on being with my sick child.  But I guess it’s really our own fault for all that work we had to do in the end.  We should have kept up with all the little issues as they happened and not put them off for later.  Later came too quick, or maybe we just procrastinated too long.  So for years I could not look fondly on the place.

Now however, I guess time has mellowed my feelings toward my former home.  It has been almost four years and my anger has started to subside.  Now, when I think of never going back there if it sells this time, I get a bit sad.  I don’t think I could ever live there again though, because even now the happy memories make me sad.

I will always remember finding Madison laying in a pile of raked leaves like it was a nest, so sweet  Next to her in another pile was our rottweiler Duchess, whom Madison adored.  I remember Derric at the age of one, in the front yard, being tackled by Duchess’ puppies, so cute.  I remember Dallas jumping into the swimming pool, as she would catch a football that Mark threw her.  She was so cute and she rarely missed.  I remember knowing exactly who was walking down the very long hallway by the sound of their footsteps, weather they had 2 feet or 4.  I remember so much and don’t want to ever forget.  So when the house does sell, eventually, I will have to rely on my many photos to jog my memory, instead of the walls of my former home.  I will keep reminding myself that the memories are in my head and heart not just in the walls.

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"20"

“20”

While trying to think of what I would write to commemorate Madison’s 20^th birthday I kept drawing a blank.  Then I realized that wasn’t completely the case.  The number 20 is all I can think about.  Every time my mind goes to her birthday all I see and hear in my head is the number 20 repeated over and over; not in years, just the number.  In my minds eye its like watching Sesame Street, “this thought is brought to you by the number 20.”  There it is big and bold and colorful in my head.  I have a feeling that is how she would have drawn it.  No doubt it would be colorful.

Madison loved drawing and being creative.  She loved color and was always asking for new colorful pens and pencils to draw or write with.  I think in heaven she has an endless supply of colors we cannot even fathom, to create many beautiful scenes.

20, 20 years ago today I was given a special gift that I could only be with for 16 years.  I keep her always in my heart and on my mind.  So until we meet again Happy Birthday my love!

Kids

I got a job.  I’ve been thinking about it for a while, but not seriously until this past summer (2012).  I didn’t know what I should do or where I should look.  I didn’t graduate from college and I haven’t “had a job” in over 20 years.  Being a stay at home mom was my job and I loved it.  As my kids got older my job evolved, and it kept me quite busy.  As Madison got older and had her surgeries my job was more involved with her care; and recovery took quite a long time.  Though I don’t think she ever completely recovered after her heart surgery.

My days since Madison’s passing have been filled with cleaning the house, running errands and bringing Dallas where she needs to be.  She has numerous extra curricular obligations, which I often enjoy going to, like plays and chorus concerts.  While these are all important things, they are mostly after school activities.  During the day I found myself wallowing in depression and too much in my own head.  I am not an outgoing person, and am ordinarily reserved, but I needed to do something to get out into the world more.  It’s hard living in a new place where I have no extended family and don’t want to impose on the few friends I have made.

I have taken care of people most of my life, my mother when she was ill, and my kids, so I had an idea of either working with the elderly or the very young.  I wasn’t sure how I would like either, but chose the very young.  There is a day care in the front of my neighborhood so one day in August I called to see if they had an opening.  To my surprise they did, and asked me to send a resume’.  Since I had not been in the work force for a long time they understood my resume’ would be a bit short.  The center hired me for a part time position, which is what I wanted, and I am happy to say I enjoy it.  I work with some very sweet and kind people; this job and meeting so many nice people has been a blessing in my life.  Also, it’s fun to be around 2 – 3 year olds 4 hours a day.  They are cute and sweet and always greet me with a smile and a hug.  Who wouldn’t love that?

One of the reasons I chose to work with kids is Madison.  I think it would have made her happy that I’m working with children.  She loved little kids.  The little ones didn’t judge her or look at her funny, the way some adults or older children did.  She would often catch people staring and it always made her sad if they didn’t smile at her, but just turned away.  Little kids were most often sweet and friendly toward her.  Madison used to say that when she got married she and her husband would adopt 5 kids.  She had lists with boys and girls names that she liked.  She also said they would live close to me so that I could help her take care of them.  I would have been so very happy to oblige.  

Why I do what I do

Why I do what I do.

I don’t send out many Christmas cards at all.  I usually buy a small box, with maybe 10 cards and send them to family.  What ever I have left if any, I might send to a couple of close friends.  Occasionally I’ll get crazy and buy a box of 20!  I used to send more than 10, but I no longer enjoy signing them.  I used to sign, love the Boudreaux’s, and then I would put all our names, Mark, Yvette, Derric, Madison and Dallas.  On some cards I’d even write the dogs names.

What do I do now?  Well we are about to have our fourth Christmas without our Madison; it breaks my heart to think that thought, to live that reality.  This year and last I signed our cards, Love the Boudreaux’s, Mark, Yvette, Derric, Dallas and our angel Madison.  I don’t know if I will do that every year, but I don’t know that I won’t.

The reason I send out so few cards is that I know the people I send them to will get it. It feels like a private thing I only want to share with those who knew her well. I can’t leave Madison out of Christmas and I can’t leave her off the card.  Sending those cards with her name included feels like the right thing for me to do now, at this time.  Maybe in the future I’ll be comfortable sharing that private note with more people.  Yes I realize I just shared it here, but a Christmas card is more personal.

I will enjoy spending a quiet Christmas day with my family.  Quiet is not the way our Christmas used to be like in Louisiana.  They were filled with extended family and noise and laughter and all that hokey stuff.  I’m grateful for all of my family; those that are with us, and those that have gone on to, “the next great adventure,” to quote Albus Dumbledore (JK Rowling).

I put her stocking up every year and always will.  I put her little tree up in her bedroom and always will.  I keep her name on the Christmas cards and probably always will.

Merry Christmas! and Happy New Year!

3 Years

Today is the 3-year anniversary of my daughter Madison’s death.  That is a hard sentence to write.  It is also the beginning of our new tradition.  Madison’s favorite holiday was Christmas.  I have decided to put up her little Christmas tree in her bedroom today and keep it up until after Christmas.  I am going to put it up every year on October 9^th.

I got the idea from a family that lives in Louisiana.  They lost their son many years ago and Christmas was his favorite season too.  I don’t know if they are marking his birth or his death; but every October they put up their Christmas decorations in memory of him.  In our house there will be a little bit of Christmas for several months, instead of just a few weeks.  I think she would have liked that.

Today we’ll go about our usual day, work, school, rehearsal, grocery shop etc.  We will bring her flowers and quietly remember that 3 years ago our hearts were broken.  

Growing up without Sissy

As I watch Dallas grow and become more independent, I am filled with ambivalence. I am happy to see her grow and learn and yes I’ll say it blossom. I am however also sad to see, my not so little girl need me less and less. Soon she will be hardly at home because of school, extra curricular obligations, a busy social life and maybe even a part time job. Another reason I feel a little sad is that I can’t help but wonder, what would Madison be doing now if she were still with us? Derric is pursuing a writing career and Dallas is a junior in high school. Where would Madison be? Before she passed away Madison was very aware that Dallas would soon be surpassing her in many ways; by level of independence and ability to do certain things. This knowledge made her upset, she didn’t want her little sister or her friends to pass her by.

Is it fair to Dallas that while watching and experiencing her growth I think of Madison? How can I not? It probably is not fair to Dallas or for that matter Derric. When he graduated from college in May2012 I was so happy for him, but Madison was not there to share the moment. There was an underlying sadness. Her absence is always so loud to me.

I just miss Madison so much and wish she would have been healed. I used to pray, some days it felt like constantly, for her to be physically healed. One day in March 2009, while driving to Children’s hospital in New Orleans (she was there for a month), I was praying out loud in my car. Suddenly a thought came into my head; “What if the only way to heal her and make the pain go away is to take her?” I think I drove the next 10 miles or so just saying, “please no, don’t take my baby!” I know many people do not believe in actually, “hearing from God,” but I believe I was given a message that day. I was not ready for that message, who would be? I didn’t want to believe it either. I just continued praying. Madison was with us another 6 ½ months. She was 16 ½ when she died.

Now Dallas is 16 years old and healthy and independent and opinionated and talented and beautiful and smart. I feel blessed to call her my daughter. So, is it fair to Dallas that I get a little sad while enjoying her accomplishments and milestones? No, I just wish Madison could be here to see how her sister has grown. Dallas and Derric have been through a lot in the last 2 years 10 months and 2 days. One thing I know is, Madison still would say, “Dallas is a cheese ball!”

Madison Dream

A few nights ago I dreamed about Madison. I rarely have Madison dreams so this was very nice. Actually it was amazing, so I thought I would share it. Just remember it was a dream, some of it is strange, and that’s my subconscious. Some may say that’s just me. I’ll leave out many of the details because if I told them all this post would be extremely long.

We lived in a house where the front entrance was through a restaurant/bar in a mall. I woke up one morning to find that Madison was gone. She didn’t leave a note or say goodbye, she just wasn’t there but her stuff was. No one seemed very concerned and for some reason I felt that I shouldn’t show how anxious I was. So I began my search in the mall of coarse, but did not find her.

After looking for a long time in and around the mall I stopped to rest on a chair in an unoccupied store. In it, was a lot of furniture stacked up as if it were a stage area. Which as it turned out, was a place where 2 people were rehearsing for a play. It was a man and woman. I watched them for a moment then realized that it was the teen actress Hillary Duff. She was practicing for her first big role since Disney. Yes this is a detail that I magically knew.

I left to go back home and ran into my stepdaughter Noelle. She asked if I was going to a wine party later that night. I made it home and saw my sister Cynthia. After we talked it was as if a couple days had passed; I was in my kitchen when Madison walked through the door.

She was absolutely glowing, so happy and smiling and just beautiful. Her hair was thick and wavy and her skin was like ivory. Wow, I just remembered she wasn’t wearing her glasses. She was dressed in a very pale pink dress that almost looked like a terry cloth robe. It was so incredibly soft. I hugged her and asked her where she had been. She said, “Didn’t you see my note, I put in on the frige?” I looked and the refrigerator was completely covered in papers. She pulled off the only one that was colorful and opened it like a brochure. I said, “How was I supposed to see that and know what it was?” She pointed at all the colors and said, “You should have know this would be from me.” Until that moment in my dream I had not noticed the refrigerator.

I grabbed her and hugged her so tight and stroked her hair and face. We sat on the sofa and I told her how much I missed her and loved her. She hugged me back and said, “Oh mama, I love you too.” She looked at me the same way she used to when she thought I was being very silly. This felt wonderfully real; I didn’t want to let go. What was awesome is that this part seemed to last a very long time.

I woke up while hugging her, and it was all right. It felt so good. This was the best dream I’ve ever had with her. It was the first dream where we had a conversation. Actually we didn’t say that much but it was all in the hugs and I could tell she knew and felt it too, just how much I love and miss her. I am so thankful to God for that dream, I needed it.

Madison's 19th birthday

19…it has been 19 years since the day you were born. You were my sweet baby girl with a crooked little nose. We should be having birthday cake and ice cream and blowing out 19 candles plus one to grow on. You should be opening presents and cards and getting hugs and kisses.

So what will we be doing on your birthday, April 10, 2012? Derric, Dallas, dad and I will visit you with flowers. We will laugh about the funny memories we have shared with you. We will also cry for all that we've missed without you. You have left a huge hole in our family. We miss you so much.

These words I write, read so antiseptic, so dry, unemotional. But as I write them I physically feel their gravity in the pit of my stomach. When I think about my Madison not being here it hurts to my core. It is as if something is inside of me, squeezing my stomach and lungs so tight that I can’t sit up straight. I am always a little sad and the tears come too easy. Madison’s absence is felt everyday but especially at family gatherings and holidays.

So we will send you birthday wishes in heaven. You get to celebrate with Granny, both your Papaw’s, Becky and Uncle Edward (whom you so affectionately called Shorty.) We all love you and miss you.

Happy Birthday!

Love you always,

Mama

xoxo

From Blue to Gray

From Blue to Grey

She started off like any other,

Two sisters, a loving brother, wonderful parents

And never sad, appreciating all she had.

From blue to grey.

Happy to sad. The things she knew. The life she had.

Those blue eyes, that baby face,

No one knew what would take place.

A girl like her, she was a shocker.

Real sarcastic, and dry sense of humor.

Her friends, they didn't get her.

Her family tried to help her but what could they do?

And what could she say?

They couldn't take the pain away. No one knew what to say.

From blue to grey.

Happy to mad. The friends she lost. The smarts she had.

She always felt as if her life was unfair.

She found new friends, and she found new fear,

And every night there were new tears to bear.

Being scared is a part of life.

You just need to learn to fight the battle.

From blue to grey.

From naive to smart. The end of the story will be the best part,

'Cause she will survive,

I will survive.

I was given life for a reason. I refuse to go out that way.

I will not be defeated, this cannot be beaten out of me.

'Cause what happened, happened and what didn't won't.

There is no point in choosing a dead end road.

From blue to grey.

Sadness to glee.

That little girl, yes, she was me.

by Madison Boudreaux

2 Years

It has been very difficult for me to write for the last few months. The words just wouldn’t come even though my heart is always quite full. But since today is the 2^nd anniversary of Madison’s passing I feel I should try to write, even if just a little.

We visited the grave today and brought more flowers. Dallas noticed that the ground over Madison was covered in clovers. This made us smile and I remembered at our house in Louisiana the large clover patch by the swing set. One summer the kids found dozens of four leaf clovers; it was amazing.

We all know the meaning of the four-leaf clover is luck, but I wasn’t sure about the three-leaf clover. I remember hearing a story of how St. Patrick used the clover as a teaching tool to explain the Trinity. What I didn’t know is that the three-leaf clover generally means happiness. It makes me smile to think that my girl’s body is covered in happiness. Maybe this was a sign for us today, on the 2-year anniversary, she’s happy, in heaven, with some of our family; but most importantly with God the Father, Jesus His son and the Holy Spirit.

Madison wrote the following poem sometime between 8^th grade and beginning of her junior year in high school. I know where she is and that she is happy. (these photos were taken when she was 2)

Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ I wish to see your holy face it’s true.

Jesus Christ I imagine your eyes are skylight blue.

Jesus Christ I love you so, I always have my dear, but fear with all my tears that the end is surely near.

I’ve always dreamed of seeing you, your face so clearly near.

I’ve always loved you my good lord and now I’m finally here.

Super Hero

At Madison’s memorial in Hammond, LA, several of her friends got up to speak. Some spoke from the heart how they felt and others wrote down what they wanted to say. I wish I could have recorded those friends who spoke without notes. All of her friends loved her so much. My heart breaks for our family but also for her friends. I have not been able to read what her friends wrote, they gave their notes to me but it’s too hard. I’m so grateful to all of Madison’s friends’ for being there when she needed them. Thank you all.

On what would have been Madison’s 18^th birthday her friend Becca posted on facebook what her other friend Melissa wrote. Melissa said it was ok for me to post this on my blog. So here it is.

Once, there was a girl, who contained powers greater than all the superheroes known to man. She had strength that could put The Hulk to shame. She was faster than any sports car. She had wit that could stump any loose-lipped politician. She could even be invisible. Many times people would stand in awe of her pure awesomeness. You may miss her at first glance, because her power of invisibility would make itself known. She would only reveal herself to those she wished to see her. Then, she would stun you with her wit and sarcasm that could leave you with a feeling that could only be described as hysteria. (Or just confusion depending on who you are) Just about anyone could see her speeding past, accompanied by her metal side-kick, a wheelchair she called Jeffy-Bob. Often times, people would under-estimate her small frame, but she had the strength that cold leave a grown man in tears. She would leave anyone who double-crossed her with a vicious bruise on their shin. Her physical strength was accompanied by great amounts of mental and emotional strength. She had more endurance than any sprinter. No matter how many heavy burdens the world laid on her, she always seemed to miraculously make it through. Though, anyone was amazed to witness these supernatural feats, only those who she deemed worthy in her eyes could be revealed to the greatest power of all; her heart. She possessed the very rare ability to make anyone love her. Those who she chose were greatly honored. She eventually wanted to share her heart with the world, but one day, the great heroine discovered that she could fly. She rose up off the ground then jetted towards the clouds, higher and higher over the horizon and above the atmosphere then higher still. She flew so high that she soared right into heaven. And God and all the angels fell in love with her as the mortals did and they decided to keep her there. Though she lives there now, she never forgot about those who loved her. She left each of them a piece of her heart, so when they felt sad or lonely, it would work its magic once more. Now, those people will never forget her, because that little piece of her lives in them.

The Gift

Every child is a gift from God, a gift that must gradually be released. The process is all at once painful and wonderful, messy and beautiful, exciting and scary. But when that process is cut short, and a child dies, taken never to be seen or heard again it creates a hole so deep that some days you just want to crawl into that hole and stay. The future with that child is gone forever. Your hopes & dreams for that child will never be realized.

For us there will be no graduation, no first car, and no true love. There will be no wedding or grandchildren from this child. These thoughts are morose to be sure but at times these are the things that go through the mind of a parent who has lost a child.

I treasure my 3 gifts from God. I remember the silliness, the laughter, the talks and the love we shared with Madison. When I close my eyes I can still feel her hugs and hear her say, “I love you mommy.”

She would have been 18 years old today. I thank God for the 16 ½ years we had together. She used to say, “I wish I were 3 again, when things were easier.” I wonder when we meet again will I find my 16-year-old young lady or my 3-year-old little girl. Madison is truly missed; I don’t think she ever realized how much she would be or how many would miss her. My sweet angel, I love you forever.

Madison & Derric

I have talked about the relationship between Madison and her sister Dallas, now I’ll tell you about Derric her big brother. After Madison was born Derric was very curious about her. I caught him one day placing her back into the basinet after picking her up without permission. He was only 3 years old, the first thing he said was, “She started to cry so I picked her up for you.” Madison adored him. One day when she was learning to walk, while Derric was engrossed in a video game, she pulled herself up holding onto him. When she was upright she grabbed his hair with both hands and held tight, I think to keep her balance. He began to scream with tears in his eyes and Madison began to scream with a huge smile on her face. He wasn’t too fond of her that day.

As they got older they did less things together unless it was with the family. But gradually when Madison and Derric hit their teens they realized they had more in common then either of them thought. It was funny to see them watching the same show in different room and then running back and forth to each other saying, “did you see that,” or “I can’t believe that happened.” These common interests brought them closer.

One night while we were all at a pretty nice restaurant in Hammond LA, Madison and Derric began quoting lines from the movie, Talladega Nights. It was hilarious; thank goodness there weren’t many people in the restaurant that particular night. Weeks later Derric said to me, he realized on that night that Madison had become one of his best friends. When Madison started high school they had some of the same friend, which I think brought them even closer.

Derric has been and is very protective of his little sisters, and always helps them whenever needed. During the summer of 2005 before hurricane Katrina hit we took a road trip to little towns in Louisiana and Mississippi that we had never been to before. I don’t remember where we were, when we saw some Indian mounds. We all climbed to the top of the biggest mound, luckily there were stairs. There was a big open field and across it a smaller mound. The kids wanted to run through the tall grass to the top of that mound. Well Madison couldn’t, she walked as far as she could then Derric picked her up and carried her so that she could do it too. He's an awesome big brother.

I think Madison and Derric had a very special relationship, as did she and Dallas. I know they miss her terribly. I miss her terribly.

Delicate touch

I remember writing in an earlier post that Madison loved playing with tiny objects. She was a very tactile person. Notice in the photo of her wearing the white shirt how she delicately holds the leaf so that it won’t crumble. She had the softest touch. I miss the feel of those long soft fingers on my face.

When she was a baby she sucked her thumb. As an infant she discovered the tag on her baby blanket. Whenever she sucked her thumb Madison would hold the tag, or “ticky” as she called it, and rub it with her other thumb on the palm of her hand. It almost looked like she was praying while holding a blanket near her mouth.

As Madison got older she stopped sucking her thumb, we never made a big deal over it and she just gradually stopped. She found other ways to occupy her hands. She loved to draw and write. She had pages filled with all the names of her friends and family in pretty ink. Did I mention she was obsessed with pretty pens and pencils? She had all of the baby names she wanted to name her future children written on sketchpads & notebooks with lots of different colors.

The one thing Madison really enjoyed for several years before she left us was making jewelry. One year both Madison and Dallas made bracelets for some of our family members for Christmas. Dallas didn’t have much interest in it after that but Madison wanted more. She would spend her allowance on pretty beads and everything that she would need to make necklaces or earrings or bracelets.

Today I found several necklaces she had started making for her friends to give them at Christmas. When I realized what they were and looked at the detail of the one she worked on the most, I just cried. In the photo you can’t see it but the thread is wound so tight and there is a raised pattern that spirals up around it. It is so delicate and beautiful. I don’t know where she learned how to tie embroidery floss like that but it’s awesome.

Each necklace has a pendant on it, I remember the day she saw them. She was excited to know what she would be giving her friends for Christmas early. She knew exactly what she was going to do with them too. Each necklace is the same and different, they all say at the top, “May Life Bless You;” at the bottom the pendants all have a picture and word, those words are, “Love,” “Comfort,” “Hope,” “Dream,” and “Peace.” I think those words describe who Madison was; a person filled with love for her family and friends and hope to get better. She dreamed of her future and days without pain. She often comforted her friends when they talked to her about their problems. Peace, all she wanted was peace for everyone and she loved peace signs too.

I might try to finish these necklaces and give them to her friends for a graduation present. My work won’t be as good as Madison’s, but I’ll try. My sweet baby, there are some days when I still can’t believe she’s gone. She had such a strong personality.

You never get over the loss of a child; you just learn to live with that loss, and hopefully become better at coping. I’m trying.

We miss you “Sissy.”