Four Years

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Time, it is an interesting concept.  According to my computer’s dictionary it is in part, “the indefinite continued progress of existence.”

In some situations that “continued progress” seems to move very quickly, in others very slowly.  The saying, "time flies when you're having fun," often feels true.  There never seems to be enough time to do the things we love to do.  We all know however that time neither speeds up nor slows down; it is just always the same.  Derric once asked Mark, “Dad, is your minute as long as moms?” I guess that’s where the relativity thing comes in.

An hour can feel like forever when sitting in a boring class.  Three months seem to fly during summer break. Two years is a short time to be married.  Four years is a short time to be on this earth.  Four years of high school and if you’re lucky only four years of college.  Four years per term in office for most politicians, depending on the person this could feel too short or way too long.  And every four years we get an extra day.

To me four years of time gone by feels so incredibly long.  That's how long we've been without our girl Madison.  She departed this world for her next "great adventure" four years ago tonight.  Four years ago my family was whole and intact.  Until that night I thought I knew generally, what my future held.  The last four years have been a roller coaster with more downs than ups.  I am thankful for the ups and am glad to say that the downs don't last as long as they used to.  They aren't as frequent either.

I don't hide from my down days; I don't feel guilty for having them either.  They feel necessary, and sometimes comforting.  That may sound odd, but I'm OK with odd.  Sometimes my down times are really just a moment of the day, or maybe an hour, sometimes the whole day or more, but thankfully rarely more.

The saying, "time heals all wounds," to me is a lie.  As time passes, whether slowly or quickly, things will change.  Yes, some things may heal, a scraped knee, hurt feelings or a broken friendship.  Healing from the death of a child in my opinion is impossible.  Sure I'm doing better four long years later; the whole family is.  It's those down times that I still have where the pain can be so raw, they make me know I will never be fully healed.  I cope with it, and according to several people I'm dealing with it, "well;" what ever that means.

For my time left here, and yes, it sometimes feels like forever, but more often it flies.  I've got things left to do before I see my Madison again.  I hope to see my Derric and my Dallas realize their dreams.  Madison is an angel and until I can hold her again I will try to be a better person while here on this earth.  The point is, I am trying, but unfortunately I don't always succeed.  But that's what time is for, right?