Fear

Fear. I am well acquainted with fear. I've been living with it since I was a child. I used to live in fear of embarrassment, what others thought of me or being laughed at. I used to be very afraid of strangers and new situations. Change was very difficult for me. I used to be afraid of making people mad, especially those I was close to. I lived in fear of losing the people I love, not just in death but losing their love. Fear ruled me for too much of my life, and unfortunately some people exploited that fear which lead to trust issues as well. It's sad to think about all the time and life I have wasted on fear.

As an adult I knew that I was hurting myself by having so much fear but I was often paralysed by it. I read scripture about not being afraid over and over but didn't know how to “give it to God.” I couldn't let it go, I guess it became sort of like a security blanket. I would find reasons, really excuses, not to do certain things or not to try new things because of that fear; and I often didn't trust my own decisions. I think I hid in my house in the country so as not to deal with too many people or possible uncomfortable situations.

I can honestly say the night we lost Madison that fear disappeared. Granted I was slowly coming around, the year or so before I was learning to not care so much about what others thought of me; I even stopped wearing make-up not that I ever wore much. And I did agree to move ten hours from all my extended family. But that night after she passed I realized I no longer feared death because Madison would be there waiting for me. That was it, my fear of almost everything else went out the window too. I no longer care if people think I'm strange or weird. I don't care if they look down on me because of what I wear or the way I talk or what ever else people can find wrong with me.

So as we face another new year I am thinking about new beginnings without fear. Change is inevitable in every person's life, good and bad. Uncomfortable situations will occur, and we will have to make difficult choices. This is how we grow; that is why the cliché's are true, “growing pains.” I don't know what the next year will hold for me and my family but I am not afraid of what may come. I know that I have been given a gift of uncommon patience; so when change comes my way I will be okay and I believe my family will too.