Traditions

Where have our traditions gone?  They disappeared, poof, in a cloud of smoke, or it might have been a fog.  Since we lost Madison it hasn't been the same, for any of us, no doubt.  I barely put up the Christmas tree this year. I put it up later than usual and didn't put ornaments on until 3 days before Christmas.  I know that if I don't keep our few little traditions going they will go away and never come back.  We'll end up a family filled with apathy; more apathy than we already have.  We used to be so excited about Christmas, and I know it wasn't just me. 

It's not just losing Madison, it's compounded by being so far from the rest of our family.  There is no doubt she is greatly missed.  Our first Christmas in Knoxville was also our first Christmas without Madison. I know her absence is a big part of my growing indifference; our lives, my life is so different here in Knoxville.  I feel the absence of my extended family quite keenly especially around the holidays.  I miss the Christmas chaos. I miss visiting with people I have a long and history with, weather I've known them my whole life or the last 10, 15, 20 years or more. I want to talk to people who knew and remember Madison.  I want to talk face to face and say, "remember when?" I want to reminisce about when we were kids or teenagers or about our parents, any topic will do.  There is a quote from a Jane Austen book called Mansfield Park; where the main character is asked why she chooses to go back home.  “The remembrance of all her earliest pleasures, and of what she had suffered in being torn from them, came over her with renewed strength, and it seemed as if to be at home again would heal every pain that had since grown out of the separation.  To be in the center of such a circle, loved by so many…to feel affection without fear or restraint; to feel herself the equal of those who surrounded her…” Though I was not torn from Louisiana, I feel that Madison was torn from me.  Also there is something about being surrounded by not just people I love but people I have a shared history with that makes me feel more equal.  Others who have had similar experiences, who are going through some of the same issues or joys. It just plainly feels good to sometimes be surrounded by the very familiar.

All of that said, I am not moving back to Louisiana and do like living in Knoxville very much.  After four years it is starting to feel more home like. I will admit that even in Louisiana I have at times felt out of place. I always assumed though that, that was just my own social awkwardness. Here, at this time of my life is where some apathy works, because I don't often get that uncomfortable feeling like I used to.  After all that I have been through in my life there are very few things that make me feel uncomfortable any more. Maybe I should have had more apathy toward some things in my younger years, it can be quite liberating.

I will, however work hard to be less indifferent toward keeping some of our traditions going, because one thing I am not apathetic about is my family. Our traditions are not big or spectacular, but they are ours.  For example, one thing we used to always do is put up a Disney Christmas tree.  This is the tree the kids loved decorating most.  They started by putting on their favorite characters' ornaments.  It was a lot of fun to do and watch.

Maybe we will start a couple of new traditions. I am determined to do better next year.  I’ll begin by mailing the Christmas cards I bought.  I will put the tree up like usual, ornaments too. We will also put up the Disney tree.  I will decorate in a timelier manner next year, not waiting until a couple of days before Christmas. I won’t wait until the last minute to shop or plan or send packages. Knowing which traditions to hold on to and which to let go of will be one of my goals for the new year.  I think that the letting go idea will work for my closets and garage too.  Missing my family and always my Madison very much!

Quilts

Madison's mermaid quilt, she drew & I turned into the quilt

She said this was a mama & daughter quilt, she spilled a little chocolate on mama

Dallas' quilt she also drew pictures & I turned into a quilt & ChaCha

Some of the quilts I made for the kids in my class

I love to make quilts.  I enjoy the whole process, from the idea forming in my head to drawing it on paper, to cutting and piecing the different materials together, to the quilting.  I get great satisfaction from finishing a quilt. My mom taught me how to sew but I could never quite get the making of clothes the way she or my sisters did.  I am mostly self-taught as a quilter. I've read a few books and practiced a lot, but did take one class in 2002. 

Over the years I've made a few quilts and each one took a pretty long time to finish. Until recently I did all of my quilting by hand. I purchased a new sewing machine after my old one broke beyond repair. My new machine can quilt and do so many things I have yet to try.  Because of this new machine I decided to do a rather large project for Christmas. I made a small quilt for each child in my class, plus a few extra for some kids I’m very fond of that used to be in my class.  I have lots of material, and I made purchases over several months to spread out the cost. Each quilt is different in color and design, and I enjoyed making each one. Like I said, I love the creative process, from beginning to end. I also enjoyed all the practice, and learning my new sewing machine.

One mom told me that my gift to her child was too much.  Several parents seemed very surprised when they learned that I made the quilt for their child. Upon finishing the last quilts I became a little nervous about giving them to the children. I didn't want parents to read too much into the gift. I didn't want it to be weird, especially for those who are not in my class anymore. Then I thought to heck with it, I made them I'm giving them.

I began to really think about why making the quilts was important; there are several reasons. I wanted to do something nice for the children in my class.  These kids make me smile and laugh every day that I am with them. Sure they can also make me want to pull my hair out, but that is rare. They can be so sweet and I love being greeted by a hug and a smile.  Even if the initial greeting isn't so sweet I eventually get that smile.

Another reason for making the quilts is I have a great need to do creative or artsy things. Quilting, drawing, or painting, are the things I do that make me happy. When doing these things it's not a chore or labor to me, it's fun! Doing something creative has helped me tremendously throughout my life, especially after losing Madison. After her death I found myself lost in my own head, constantly dwelling on what I should or shouldn't have done to keep Madison healthy. I had too much time every day to cry, blame, hate, dwell; I just wanted to die too. But I would never do anything to hurt myself, and I would never want to cause my other children more grief, they have been through enough.

Not long after Madison passed I began to paint again, it felt good, even if the paintings weren't.  Then I pulled out a quilt started for Dallas a few years earlier. While working on that quilt ideas came to me so I sketched them in a book, and began to search my stash of material to make more quilts.  This creativity I have is a gift from God and not to use it would be an insult to Him.

I have to be creative in that artsy way with fabric or paint or what ever comes to mind.  It is who I am, good or bad the art has to happen.  So I sometimes make things for people; and hope my work isn't judged too harshly.  My home is full of the things I've created over the years, quite full.  My answer to anyone who may ask why I made the quilts; "it's just what I do."

Four Years

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Time, it is an interesting concept.  According to my computer’s dictionary it is in part, “the indefinite continued progress of existence.”

In some situations that “continued progress” seems to move very quickly, in others very slowly.  The saying, "time flies when you're having fun," often feels true.  There never seems to be enough time to do the things we love to do.  We all know however that time neither speeds up nor slows down; it is just always the same.  Derric once asked Mark, “Dad, is your minute as long as moms?” I guess that’s where the relativity thing comes in.

An hour can feel like forever when sitting in a boring class.  Three months seem to fly during summer break. Two years is a short time to be married.  Four years is a short time to be on this earth.  Four years of high school and if you’re lucky only four years of college.  Four years per term in office for most politicians, depending on the person this could feel too short or way too long.  And every four years we get an extra day.

To me four years of time gone by feels so incredibly long.  That's how long we've been without our girl Madison.  She departed this world for her next "great adventure" four years ago tonight.  Four years ago my family was whole and intact.  Until that night I thought I knew generally, what my future held.  The last four years have been a roller coaster with more downs than ups.  I am thankful for the ups and am glad to say that the downs don't last as long as they used to.  They aren't as frequent either.

I don't hide from my down days; I don't feel guilty for having them either.  They feel necessary, and sometimes comforting.  That may sound odd, but I'm OK with odd.  Sometimes my down times are really just a moment of the day, or maybe an hour, sometimes the whole day or more, but thankfully rarely more.

The saying, "time heals all wounds," to me is a lie.  As time passes, whether slowly or quickly, things will change.  Yes, some things may heal, a scraped knee, hurt feelings or a broken friendship.  Healing from the death of a child in my opinion is impossible.  Sure I'm doing better four long years later; the whole family is.  It's those down times that I still have where the pain can be so raw, they make me know I will never be fully healed.  I cope with it, and according to several people I'm dealing with it, "well;" what ever that means.

For my time left here, and yes, it sometimes feels like forever, but more often it flies.  I've got things left to do before I see my Madison again.  I hope to see my Derric and my Dallas realize their dreams.  Madison is an angel and until I can hold her again I will try to be a better person while here on this earth.  The point is, I am trying, but unfortunately I don't always succeed.  But that's what time is for, right? 

Regrets

Dallas recently heard someone say that they, "have 2 kids and regret it." What a terrible thing to say.  It made me so sad that a mother would feel that way, but I was sadder for those 2 children.  They may not realize anything now because considering the approximate age of the girl who admitted those regrets I'm sure her kids are quite young.  The feelings if true, might affect how the girl interacts with her children.  I wonder, will they grow up feeling unloved or unwanted?  Will they wonder, "why is mommy always mad?"  Will they grow up to be angry selfish people?  Hopefully the opposite will be the case.

Here is a person, it seems, who does not appreciate the amazing gifts she has been given.  After having my first child, Derric, I was overwhelmed by the awesome responsibility placed in my hands.  I take being a mom seriously.  It’s my job to make sure I do all that I can to raise decent human beings.  That means teaching them about love, kindness, self-discipline, respect and so much more.  The best way I know to teach these things is by example.  I admit that I have made mistakes along the way but having my children has never been one of them. If I regretted my kids I don’t know that I would care enough to try and be a good mom?  I hope what that girl comes to regret someday soon, is feeling that regret, and saying those words, or even thinking those thoughts.

You may be wondering what does this have to do with Madison?  In my eyes it has quite a bit to do with her.  I do not regret one moment I spent with my sweet girl.  Even though I have unbelievable pain because of her loss, I would not trade it, if it meant never knowing her.  My Madison truly was a one of a kind.  I cannot fathom never having been her mother.  She helped shape the person I am, as I helped shape who she was.  I think that's how it is with all children and their parents, no matter the age of either party. 

I am sorry for people who don’t appreciate the lives they have been given; whether it is their own or their child's.  I am also sorry for all of the new people in our lives that will never get to know Madison, but through us.  I may have a few regrets at the end of my life but having my children, will never be one of them.

The Closet

How do I empty her closet?  How can I empty the closet of someone I love and miss so much that her absence brings tears to my eyes daily?  I am trying.  Every few weeks I go into Madison’s room and either rearrange, repurpose or finally find something I can part with.  For example, today I found a roll of tape and a basket that I can use in the foyer closet.  Dallas thinks it’s morbid to see if any friends want her, “dead sister’s,” clothes.  I only asked, not using those words, because a couple of her friends are quite thin like Madison was; and she had cute things.

I will eventually make myself a quilt out of her favorite t-shirts, eventually.  Madison had quite a few stuffed animals, and she loved them all.  I haven’t been able to part with any of these yet.  Maybe, just maybe I’ll part with a few this Christmas and give as gifts.

I know that I am moving at a snails pace, but I don’t care.  I can’t just say, “let’s get rid of all this stuff it’s taking up space.”  I think of this thing that I am doing, kind of like getting into a cold swimming pool.  Some people jump right in, but not me.  I inch, and I do mean inch my way in so that I can acclimate to the temperature.  I know it has been almost 4 years and she’s not coming back.  Getting rid of all her things, or most, too quickly feels harsh; as if I’m losing her all over again.  That’s why I do this task slowly, yes inch by inch.  Besides I like having some of her things around, they comfort me.

Madison’s “stuff,” may keep me in the past a little bit but I’m ok with that.  There are those who would say this sort of thinking is unhealthy, that doesn’t bother me.  Drinking soda or eating greasy food is unhealthy if that is all you eat.  All my days are not spent wallowing in the past, not anymore at least.

Madison existed, she was a huge part of my life and I won’t pretend otherwise.  She is still affecting my life.  There are things I do everyday because of the conversations she and I had.  I think knowing her has made me a better person; I hope everyone who knew her can say the same thing.  Actually I can say that about all my kids, they have taught me many things about love, patience, being open minded, tolerance and the list could go on.  My home and my life will always be about the past, the present and the future.

For Sale

We have decided to put our house in Louisiana back on the market.  For the first time in years, while talking about it, the thought of selling our former home gave me a sentimental reaction.  I have many happy memories in that house.  It was the first house I could truly call mine.  I raised my kids in that house.  We had so many family gatherings for holidays or birthdays in that house.  There were also many crawfish boils and New Year’s Eve parties, all in that house, our home.

It’s funny; when we moved to Tennessee we thought we would have a similar life here.  I knew it wouldn’t be the same but hoped it would over time be, like I said similar.  Maybe it would have been if we hadn’t lost Madison.  That’s where the sentimentality comes from.  Don’t get me wrong Mark and I have always been, for the most part homebodies, we just miss our family a lot, and Madison just loved our home in Tickfaw Louisiana so much.  She loved being there because it’s where she felt the most comfortable.  For a girl who lived in almost constant physical pain, comfort was a very important thing.  I do think she was starting to really like our home in Tennessee too.

I keep telling Mark, and myself, that the memories are in our head not the house.  But that’s not entirely true, is it?  Every inch of that house has a memory for those of us who lived there; after all we spent almost 23 years in it.

The year 2009 over shadowed all the good memories for me for a long time.  That house in Tickfaw became like an, “albatross,” around my neck.  There was so much to do once we decided to move to Tennessee; also Madison was having a very difficult recovery after surgery in December 2008.  So instead of focusing most of my time on caring for my kids, my energy felt severely fractured.  Of coarse the kids came first, I just felt like I couldn’t stop.  Mark had already moved to TN and was dealing with unforeseen dilemmas.  Madison was hospitalized for a month in March 2009 and other family issues weighed heavily on us as well.  All those little projects that we put off were now glaring at us as stumbling blocks to selling the house.  I don’t know what we would have done without the help of family and friends, especially Cynthia, Murray and Murray III.  Finally by August 2009 we got most everything done and put it on the market.  We did all we could do, so we thought, but the house didn’t sell.

I began to hate that house after we lost Madison in October 2009.  I saw all the time I had to spend on it in those last few months as stolen time from my children especially Madison.  I began to resent the fact that I had to spend so much energy on that house when I should have been more focused on being with my sick child.  But I guess it’s really our own fault for all that work we had to do in the end.  We should have kept up with all the little issues as they happened and not put them off for later.  Later came too quick, or maybe we just procrastinated too long.  So for years I could not look fondly on the place.

Now however, I guess time has mellowed my feelings toward my former home.  It has been almost four years and my anger has started to subside.  Now, when I think of never going back there if it sells this time, I get a bit sad.  I don’t think I could ever live there again though, because even now the happy memories make me sad.

I will always remember finding Madison laying in a pile of raked leaves like it was a nest, so sweet  Next to her in another pile was our rottweiler Duchess, whom Madison adored.  I remember Derric at the age of one, in the front yard, being tackled by Duchess’ puppies, so cute.  I remember Dallas jumping into the swimming pool, as she would catch a football that Mark threw her.  She was so cute and she rarely missed.  I remember knowing exactly who was walking down the very long hallway by the sound of their footsteps, weather they had 2 feet or 4.  I remember so much and don’t want to ever forget.  So when the house does sell, eventually, I will have to rely on my many photos to jog my memory, instead of the walls of my former home.  I will keep reminding myself that the memories are in my head and heart not just in the walls.

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"20"

“20”

While trying to think of what I would write to commemorate Madison’s 20^th birthday I kept drawing a blank.  Then I realized that wasn’t completely the case.  The number 20 is all I can think about.  Every time my mind goes to her birthday all I see and hear in my head is the number 20 repeated over and over; not in years, just the number.  In my minds eye its like watching Sesame Street, “this thought is brought to you by the number 20.”  There it is big and bold and colorful in my head.  I have a feeling that is how she would have drawn it.  No doubt it would be colorful.

Madison loved drawing and being creative.  She loved color and was always asking for new colorful pens and pencils to draw or write with.  I think in heaven she has an endless supply of colors we cannot even fathom, to create many beautiful scenes.

20, 20 years ago today I was given a special gift that I could only be with for 16 years.  I keep her always in my heart and on my mind.  So until we meet again Happy Birthday my love!

Kids

I got a job.  I’ve been thinking about it for a while, but not seriously until this past summer (2012).  I didn’t know what I should do or where I should look.  I didn’t graduate from college and I haven’t “had a job” in over 20 years.  Being a stay at home mom was my job and I loved it.  As my kids got older my job evolved, and it kept me quite busy.  As Madison got older and had her surgeries my job was more involved with her care; and recovery took quite a long time.  Though I don’t think she ever completely recovered after her heart surgery.

My days since Madison’s passing have been filled with cleaning the house, running errands and bringing Dallas where she needs to be.  She has numerous extra curricular obligations, which I often enjoy going to, like plays and chorus concerts.  While these are all important things, they are mostly after school activities.  During the day I found myself wallowing in depression and too much in my own head.  I am not an outgoing person, and am ordinarily reserved, but I needed to do something to get out into the world more.  It’s hard living in a new place where I have no extended family and don’t want to impose on the few friends I have made.

I have taken care of people most of my life, my mother when she was ill, and my kids, so I had an idea of either working with the elderly or the very young.  I wasn’t sure how I would like either, but chose the very young.  There is a day care in the front of my neighborhood so one day in August I called to see if they had an opening.  To my surprise they did, and asked me to send a resume’.  Since I had not been in the work force for a long time they understood my resume’ would be a bit short.  The center hired me for a part time position, which is what I wanted, and I am happy to say I enjoy it.  I work with some very sweet and kind people; this job and meeting so many nice people has been a blessing in my life.  Also, it’s fun to be around 2 – 3 year olds 4 hours a day.  They are cute and sweet and always greet me with a smile and a hug.  Who wouldn’t love that?

One of the reasons I chose to work with kids is Madison.  I think it would have made her happy that I’m working with children.  She loved little kids.  The little ones didn’t judge her or look at her funny, the way some adults or older children did.  She would often catch people staring and it always made her sad if they didn’t smile at her, but just turned away.  Little kids were most often sweet and friendly toward her.  Madison used to say that when she got married she and her husband would adopt 5 kids.  She had lists with boys and girls names that she liked.  She also said they would live close to me so that I could help her take care of them.  I would have been so very happy to oblige.  

Why I do what I do

Why I do what I do.

I don’t send out many Christmas cards at all.  I usually buy a small box, with maybe 10 cards and send them to family.  What ever I have left if any, I might send to a couple of close friends.  Occasionally I’ll get crazy and buy a box of 20!  I used to send more than 10, but I no longer enjoy signing them.  I used to sign, love the Boudreaux’s, and then I would put all our names, Mark, Yvette, Derric, Madison and Dallas.  On some cards I’d even write the dogs names.

What do I do now?  Well we are about to have our fourth Christmas without our Madison; it breaks my heart to think that thought, to live that reality.  This year and last I signed our cards, Love the Boudreaux’s, Mark, Yvette, Derric, Dallas and our angel Madison.  I don’t know if I will do that every year, but I don’t know that I won’t.

The reason I send out so few cards is that I know the people I send them to will get it. It feels like a private thing I only want to share with those who knew her well. I can’t leave Madison out of Christmas and I can’t leave her off the card.  Sending those cards with her name included feels like the right thing for me to do now, at this time.  Maybe in the future I’ll be comfortable sharing that private note with more people.  Yes I realize I just shared it here, but a Christmas card is more personal.

I will enjoy spending a quiet Christmas day with my family.  Quiet is not the way our Christmas used to be like in Louisiana.  They were filled with extended family and noise and laughter and all that hokey stuff.  I’m grateful for all of my family; those that are with us, and those that have gone on to, “the next great adventure,” to quote Albus Dumbledore (JK Rowling).

I put her stocking up every year and always will.  I put her little tree up in her bedroom and always will.  I keep her name on the Christmas cards and probably always will.

Merry Christmas! and Happy New Year!

3 Years

Today is the 3-year anniversary of my daughter Madison’s death.  That is a hard sentence to write.  It is also the beginning of our new tradition.  Madison’s favorite holiday was Christmas.  I have decided to put up her little Christmas tree in her bedroom today and keep it up until after Christmas.  I am going to put it up every year on October 9^th.

I got the idea from a family that lives in Louisiana.  They lost their son many years ago and Christmas was his favorite season too.  I don’t know if they are marking his birth or his death; but every October they put up their Christmas decorations in memory of him.  In our house there will be a little bit of Christmas for several months, instead of just a few weeks.  I think she would have liked that.

Today we’ll go about our usual day, work, school, rehearsal, grocery shop etc.  We will bring her flowers and quietly remember that 3 years ago our hearts were broken.  

Growing up without Sissy

As I watch Dallas grow and become more independent, I am filled with ambivalence. I am happy to see her grow and learn and yes I’ll say it blossom. I am however also sad to see, my not so little girl need me less and less. Soon she will be hardly at home because of school, extra curricular obligations, a busy social life and maybe even a part time job. Another reason I feel a little sad is that I can’t help but wonder, what would Madison be doing now if she were still with us? Derric is pursuing a writing career and Dallas is a junior in high school. Where would Madison be? Before she passed away Madison was very aware that Dallas would soon be surpassing her in many ways; by level of independence and ability to do certain things. This knowledge made her upset, she didn’t want her little sister or her friends to pass her by.

Is it fair to Dallas that while watching and experiencing her growth I think of Madison? How can I not? It probably is not fair to Dallas or for that matter Derric. When he graduated from college in May2012 I was so happy for him, but Madison was not there to share the moment. There was an underlying sadness. Her absence is always so loud to me.

I just miss Madison so much and wish she would have been healed. I used to pray, some days it felt like constantly, for her to be physically healed. One day in March 2009, while driving to Children’s hospital in New Orleans (she was there for a month), I was praying out loud in my car. Suddenly a thought came into my head; “What if the only way to heal her and make the pain go away is to take her?” I think I drove the next 10 miles or so just saying, “please no, don’t take my baby!” I know many people do not believe in actually, “hearing from God,” but I believe I was given a message that day. I was not ready for that message, who would be? I didn’t want to believe it either. I just continued praying. Madison was with us another 6 ½ months. She was 16 ½ when she died.

Now Dallas is 16 years old and healthy and independent and opinionated and talented and beautiful and smart. I feel blessed to call her my daughter. So, is it fair to Dallas that I get a little sad while enjoying her accomplishments and milestones? No, I just wish Madison could be here to see how her sister has grown. Dallas and Derric have been through a lot in the last 2 years 10 months and 2 days. One thing I know is, Madison still would say, “Dallas is a cheese ball!”

Madison Dream

A few nights ago I dreamed about Madison. I rarely have Madison dreams so this was very nice. Actually it was amazing, so I thought I would share it. Just remember it was a dream, some of it is strange, and that’s my subconscious. Some may say that’s just me. I’ll leave out many of the details because if I told them all this post would be extremely long.

We lived in a house where the front entrance was through a restaurant/bar in a mall. I woke up one morning to find that Madison was gone. She didn’t leave a note or say goodbye, she just wasn’t there but her stuff was. No one seemed very concerned and for some reason I felt that I shouldn’t show how anxious I was. So I began my search in the mall of coarse, but did not find her.

After looking for a long time in and around the mall I stopped to rest on a chair in an unoccupied store. In it, was a lot of furniture stacked up as if it were a stage area. Which as it turned out, was a place where 2 people were rehearsing for a play. It was a man and woman. I watched them for a moment then realized that it was the teen actress Hillary Duff. She was practicing for her first big role since Disney. Yes this is a detail that I magically knew.

I left to go back home and ran into my stepdaughter Noelle. She asked if I was going to a wine party later that night. I made it home and saw my sister Cynthia. After we talked it was as if a couple days had passed; I was in my kitchen when Madison walked through the door.

She was absolutely glowing, so happy and smiling and just beautiful. Her hair was thick and wavy and her skin was like ivory. Wow, I just remembered she wasn’t wearing her glasses. She was dressed in a very pale pink dress that almost looked like a terry cloth robe. It was so incredibly soft. I hugged her and asked her where she had been. She said, “Didn’t you see my note, I put in on the frige?” I looked and the refrigerator was completely covered in papers. She pulled off the only one that was colorful and opened it like a brochure. I said, “How was I supposed to see that and know what it was?” She pointed at all the colors and said, “You should have know this would be from me.” Until that moment in my dream I had not noticed the refrigerator.

I grabbed her and hugged her so tight and stroked her hair and face. We sat on the sofa and I told her how much I missed her and loved her. She hugged me back and said, “Oh mama, I love you too.” She looked at me the same way she used to when she thought I was being very silly. This felt wonderfully real; I didn’t want to let go. What was awesome is that this part seemed to last a very long time.

I woke up while hugging her, and it was all right. It felt so good. This was the best dream I’ve ever had with her. It was the first dream where we had a conversation. Actually we didn’t say that much but it was all in the hugs and I could tell she knew and felt it too, just how much I love and miss her. I am so thankful to God for that dream, I needed it.

Madison's 19th birthday

19…it has been 19 years since the day you were born. You were my sweet baby girl with a crooked little nose. We should be having birthday cake and ice cream and blowing out 19 candles plus one to grow on. You should be opening presents and cards and getting hugs and kisses.

So what will we be doing on your birthday, April 10, 2012? Derric, Dallas, dad and I will visit you with flowers. We will laugh about the funny memories we have shared with you. We will also cry for all that we've missed without you. You have left a huge hole in our family. We miss you so much.

These words I write, read so antiseptic, so dry, unemotional. But as I write them I physically feel their gravity in the pit of my stomach. When I think about my Madison not being here it hurts to my core. It is as if something is inside of me, squeezing my stomach and lungs so tight that I can’t sit up straight. I am always a little sad and the tears come too easy. Madison’s absence is felt everyday but especially at family gatherings and holidays.

So we will send you birthday wishes in heaven. You get to celebrate with Granny, both your Papaw’s, Becky and Uncle Edward (whom you so affectionately called Shorty.) We all love you and miss you.

Happy Birthday!

Love you always,

Mama

xoxo

From Blue to Gray

From Blue to Grey

She started off like any other,

Two sisters, a loving brother, wonderful parents

And never sad, appreciating all she had.

From blue to grey.

Happy to sad. The things she knew. The life she had.

Those blue eyes, that baby face,

No one knew what would take place.

A girl like her, she was a shocker.

Real sarcastic, and dry sense of humor.

Her friends, they didn't get her.

Her family tried to help her but what could they do?

And what could she say?

They couldn't take the pain away. No one knew what to say.

From blue to grey.

Happy to mad. The friends she lost. The smarts she had.

She always felt as if her life was unfair.

She found new friends, and she found new fear,

And every night there were new tears to bear.

Being scared is a part of life.

You just need to learn to fight the battle.

From blue to grey.

From naive to smart. The end of the story will be the best part,

'Cause she will survive,

I will survive.

I was given life for a reason. I refuse to go out that way.

I will not be defeated, this cannot be beaten out of me.

'Cause what happened, happened and what didn't won't.

There is no point in choosing a dead end road.

From blue to grey.

Sadness to glee.

That little girl, yes, she was me.

by Madison Boudreaux