So long and thanks for all the...lessons!

I am thankful for everyday God has granted to me and my loved ones.  I am grateful for the good and the not so good because they have helped me mature and grow.  I am thankful for being able to rest in my comfort zone when I have had enough and for being forced out of it when I needed a push, or shove.   I am not sorry that 2018 has come to an end.  There were many good things that happened in 2018, but there were some disappointing things as well.  I am starting 2019 with resolve to accomplish a few goals that felt out of reach in 2018.

I remember watching a movie when I was a kid, I can’t remember the name, but it ended with the son dying and after his death the mom walked and walked the streets of New York.  She did it because her son couldn’t.  I know some of my motivation comes from knowing Madison couldn’t do many of the things she would have loved to do.  She loved children, that was part of my motivation for getting a job at a child development center.  I am very thankful that my boss took a chance on someone who hadn't had a job outside the home in quite a few years, me.  I love where I work and the people and students I work with.

In 2019 I will continue trying to see the silver lining to any disappointments that may come my way.  This is not a negative thought it’s realistic, disappointments will come and go, how we deal with them defines us.  Madison showed a brave outward appearance, but there were times when she would privately breakdown from the pain.  When I think I have it tough I remember my children who have had to live through things that some people never will.  I don't say this to diminish anything anyone else has gone through, I only speak from my own life experience.  Constant pain, being shunned because you are different, not being able to keep up with friends, watching a beloved sibling die and the family aftermath are just a few of the trials my children have dealt with over the years, I could say more.  Remembering these trials helps me remember my priorities; God, family and friends.  I remember that kindness matters and can mean so much to the person on the receiving end.  I try to be kind and am grateful to have been the recipient of much kindness in my life and hope in the coming year and beyond to be able to show more kindness.

So, in 2019 I will continue working with children not just for me but for Madison too, because she would have loved it like I do.  I will work toward my associate degree in early childhood education.  I will proudly watch my son marry the love of his life, Madison would have loved her too, we all do.  I will watch my daughter graduate from college, we are so proud, Madison would have been too.  I will keep looking for the silver lining and relish the good days.  I am thankful for 2018 but happy to start 2019.  So long 2018, and thanks for all the... lessons.

Wagon ride

The story behind this photo is one of simple pleasures.  When you live on almost three acres of land a riding lawn mower is a necessity not a luxury.  Every once in a while if the weather was not too hot Mark would clean out the wagon that attached to the back of the mower.  He would get the kids and give them a ride around the yard, taking care not to go too fast or hit too many bumps. As you can see by the looks on their faces Derric, Madison and Dallas loved it.  It was like a tiny hayride in our own backyard...but without the hay, usually a blanket or towel to sit on.

The little fun things we used to do with our children gives me such peace.  Knowing that we took the time to lay in the grass and watch the clouds go by.  Or sitting on the big swing in our yard and talking or the hammock. We used to pretend to dance the tango down our very long hallway.  Picnics in the living room when it rained were one of my favorites. I hope Derric and Dallas remember these little things and think on them with a smile.  These memories always bring a smile to my face. I hope they know how much they are loved and have been greatly loved, their whole lives.

My unsolicited advice to anyone reading this, cherish the small moments.  Sear them into your brain to think on when your children are no longer small.  Take time to talk with your children, read to them and with them. Make up original stories to tell them at bed time.  Lay on a blanket in the grass and watch the clouds go by. Play music loud and dance as a family together in the den. Do silly things together, make a million good little memories.  They grow up so fast and these memories will bring you comfort.

These memories do bring me great comfort especially since there are no more memories to be made with Madison.  Those stopped nine years ago today. I am so grateful that I still get to make new memories with Mark, Derric, Dallas, Noelle and Juliana and the new addition to our family Derric’s fiance’ Leslie.  I am also happy that I can still say, I truly am a blessed woman. While today won’t be easy for those of us who knew and loved Madison, I take comfort from my sweet memories because not only do they make me cry they also make me smile.

Sad Box

Well I am at it again, this time there is more purpose in my actions.  I am de-cluttering my house in an effort to downsize. I thought starting with smaller projects would make the bigger projects go more smoothly.  The girls bedrooms seemed a good pace to begin. I emptied containers that were in Madison’s room that actually belong to Dallas. There is now a donate pile, a keep (give back to Dallas) pile and a garbage bag on the way to being filled up.  

I came upon two paper shopping/gift bags that have been moved to different places around the house over the last, almost nine years.  Realizing that something had to be done with them other than just keep moving them I sat on the floor of Madison’s bedroom and dug in.  Mistake number one...I was not emotionally prepared for this activity. Mistake number two...there were people at my house doing repairs and they occasionally needed to talk to me.  After about five minutes of going through the contents of these bags I was not fit to speak to anyone. I stopped this particular project and eventually moved on to something else.

These two bags hold all the sympathy cards and letters we received from family, friends, acquaintances and coworkers after we lost Madison.  I kept everything even the ribbons that came with some. I have not had the will or the strength to go through all the feelings these notes would bring up.  But I figured I had better just do it and get it done.

That was a little over a week ago, so I got myself prepared mentally and emotionally and made sure I had the time and the house all to myself for at least part of the day.  Because I was prepared, the emotions didn’t completely overwhelm me but I did go through a few tissues. I was surprised that some of the cards made me a bit irked, I didn’t keep those.  I decided to keep some of the cards and put them in a small box to store more easily. I am really glad I went through those bags because they contained quite a few photos.

When I shared what I was going to do with Derric he told me, “Great you’re going to have a box filled with sadness, just put that thing in a dark corner of the attic.  When you feel like crying pull out your sad box.” This made me laugh. So I now have a “sad box” but it’s not in the attic.

I feel a need to keep the cards and letters that I chose because they remind me, not that I need much reminding, how much Madison was loved.  Some of them contain such genuine and heartfelt expressions of love for Madison and for us as her family. When I read them I felt grateful that these family and friends took the time to express their love for my sweet girl and how much they care for us.  They remind me that my sweet girl touched more lives than I knew and she will be remembered. That’s so important to me, that she is remembered for her love, compassion, friendship and that amazing wit and sense of humor.

I miss her terribly.  There are so many good things I wish we could share with her.  Love my kids so much!

Lists

Madison kept up the family tradition of making lists.  I make lists, my mother made lists and her mother made lists.  I believe my sisters make lists and I know Dallas and Derric do too.  Everyday I have a new to-do list.  There are shopping lists, lists of big chores, small chores and repairs.  Lists for work, home, school, people, you name it and I probably have made a list for it.

After we lost Madison I found some of her lists.  She had to-do lists, but also baby name lists, favorite tv show lists, Pokemon lists, tv show character lists even lists of colors.  She had lists of family members, friends and you get the picture.  I now find myself in the happy position of helping to assemble a wedding list.  Derric, Madison's big brother is getting married and we, Mark, Dallas and I are crazy about Leslie.  I know that Madison would have loved her too and that Leslie would have loved Madison.  We are happily looking forward to their wedding day and I know that Madison will be there in spirit but...

So here was my to-do list for today April 10, 2018.

• 9 AM Mass
• Home Depot
• Costco
• Doctor appt
• Visit Madison's grave
• Dinner

It was a much shorter list than most days.  Today is Madison's birthday, she would have been twenty five years old.  I love and miss her terribly.

Happy Birthday sweet girl!!!  That's all I got

I Believe in the Sun

Recently at church I heard a song based on a poem that was written on the wall of a concentration camp during WWII.  The song and poem are called “I Believe in the Sun.”  

        I believe in the sun even

         when it is not shining.

         I believe in love even when

         I cannot feel it.  I believe in

         God even when he is silent.     Anonymous

As I listened to these words being sung I felt sad and had goosebumps.  I began to think about the reasons people give for losing their faith or not believing in God.  And considering the horrors of WWII and what I have read about concentration camps, the reasons seem a bit feeble.  If someone living through hell can remain in their faith, I am awed by them.

Yes, I was angry for a while after we lost Madison.  I questioned how a loving God could let something happen that hurt so many people.  And yes, for a brief period I wondered if God heard my prayers or really existed.  I understand how someone can hurt so badly that they question, then I remember the faith I had before losing Madison.  But more than that I look at the world around me and beauty we are surrounded by.  Yes I know and see the bad too, I've lived through some of the bad.  I choose every day to find the good, even if I can only find one good thing at least there is one.  I am blessed I can usually find many good things, my family, friends, job, pets, flowers, sunshine and rain just to name a few.  I also remember the faith Madison had.  She lived with physical and emotional pain every day during her last year's with us yet she had a strong faith.  I think that that faith sustained her and helped her not give up, but inspired her to try every day to do the best she could.  Madison’s strength and faith and humor taught me so much.  

Yes, we prayed for Madison to be healed, and I don't understand the answer we got except to say she's no longer in pain.  The person who wrote the poem, “I believe in the sun,” was obviously in the midst of a living nightmare yet, still had faith, hope and love.  I can't imagine the horrors endured in a WWII concentration camp, but hope lived.  I think that is a beautiful thing.  So who are we?  Yes, in life we will endure disappointments, we may even experience a tragedy, the loss of a loved one or some unexpected really bad thing may happen to us or a loved one.  I guess losing faith, to me feels like giving up.  So because we didn't get the answer we wanted, or don't understand the answer, we decide that God doesn't exist?  We just give up?  Maybe I'm a bit of a cynic, maybe a little bitter, I don't know.  I do know that I won't give up on God or myself.  I was weak after losing my daughter, drained and overwhelmed with grief.  I questioned God, I think asking questions is a good thing and can help heal.  Healing from profound loss is a process; sometimes moving forward and sometimes a little bit backwards but hopefully mostly forward.  

Would I love to have Madison here with me?  Yes!  And it doesn't hurt any less knowing she's not in pain any more.  It will always hurt that she died, that I can't hug her or hear her voice or laugh with her.  It hurts everyday, and I can't change what happened.  What I can do is honor my daughter's memory by living a hopeful and faith filled life.  I guess my point is that someone in a WWII concentration camp still believed in God even though surrounded by horrific conditions.  I won't let disappointment, heartache or profound loss steal my faith.  Madison believed and so do I.  And if this makes me “religious” so be it.  As we celebrated another Christmas, our ninth without Madison, and welcome a new year the pain of her absence is still present.  It never goes away.  I will remember her love for Christmas, her family, her dog and God.  Believe, and never give up!   Or as Madison would say, "Never give up, never surrender!". (Galaxy Quest)

Eight Years

It’s been eight years today since my sweet Madison left us; and the world kept turning.  We survived, I survived.  I have in my life heard people say things like, “I would just die if…” or “I couldn’t handle it if…”  I realize that statements such as these are exaggerations used to make a point about how difficult some situations can be.  You would be surprised what you can handle, bear, deal with, live through and survive.

Before we lost our Madison I remember on occasion making hyperbolic statements like those.  I know better now.  I know that I can survive great adversity and unimaginable pain.  I know that I can learn and hopefully grow from the difficulties in my life.  I know all this because I already have survived and am continuously learning and growing.  Sure I have set backs, just ask my family.  But I like to think that I learn from those too.

In spite of losing one of my precious children I continued to breathe.  The seasons continue to change and time still ticks away.  Happily our family continues to grow.  We are about to officially welcome a new member into the family this week.  We love this little girl, a niece, and I know the feelings would have been mutual between her and Madison.  It’s the “circle of life” is it not?  One goes and eventually another arrives.

I will go about my day with my children in my heart and on my mind; Madison because I miss her terribly, Derric and Dallas and Noelle too, because I wish they didn’t have to feel this pain so young.

God Wink

Signs… they are everywhere if you know what to look for.  I guess?  I’m not one to see signs or hidden meanings in my surrounding but occasionally I’ll see something that makes me think, hmmm.  I like to call these God winks.  I did not make up this term, I believe I heard it on the Sirius radio's Catholic channel.  It is something too coincidental to be pure accident.

I don’t remember if it was when Madison was in middle school or high school when I found out about Pi Day.  She loved to eat pie and when she found out that there was a Pi Day she was excited.  She knew it represented the number 3.14 but she loved the silliness of it.  Her friends even gave her a t-shirt with the picture of a pie on it and in the pie is baked the symbol for pi.  She loved that shirt.

So today I went for my usual morning walk in the neighborhood and as looked down I saw the pi symbol on the sidewalk.  It looked as though someone purposely put it there because it was too perfect.  At first it looked like it was made of the wrapper from around a straw.  But a close up of the photo shows that someone tore up paper that has writing on it to make this symbol.  Now I’m sure whoever did this did not do it with me in mind.  However I found it and it made me think of Madison and that made me smile.  This pi symbol may not have been intended for me by the person who left it on the sidewalk where I like to walk, but I thank you for my God wink.

I couldn't find a photo of Madison wearing the t-shirt so I just took one of the shirt. I still have all of her favorite t-shirts and plan to make a quilt out of them one day for myself. I wish she were still hear to wear them. Though I'm sure by now there would have been newer cooler t's and clothes to wear.

And by the way she liked this song too!

Life and Death Lessons

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way.”  C.S. Lewis

After reading the quote above my first thought was, “how dense am I that my child had to die for me to be taught a lesson?”  For a long time, even before I read the quote I’ve heard that God can bring good out of the bad things that happen.  I guess that is the silver lining concept.  Seriously though what good can come out of the death of a child?  I don’t think I am the only parent wondering this question.  So I reflect on my life and the lives of my family members before we lost Madison.

Her life taught us so much, like acceptance of those who are different.  I feel we became more sensitive to people who are disabled and their desire to be treated like everyone else.  And just in general to treat everyone with a little kindness.  She helped us learn to be more patient.  We realized that just because someone smiles doesn’t mean they are okay.  Her life and the lives of each of my children taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.  These are just a few of the things her life has taught me.  So now I ponder what have I learned from her death.

I learned that grief and sorrow are not just a psychological feeling but gut wrenching physical feelings too.  I learned that grief is physically exhausting.  I learned that most of the world doesn’t care about the loss of one child.  I learned who my real friends are.  I learned that some people equate the loss of their pet with the loss of my child.  I learned that some people say really stupid things when they don’t know what to say.  This made me wonder about what stupid thing have I said in difficult situations.  I learned that not every prayer we pray gets us the answer we want.

A couple of years after we lost Madison I started learning some new things.  I learned that I can be really angry at God but He still loves me.  I learned that Madison had more friends than I knew.  I learned that she shared a gift with her Pawpaw Francis and could make all of her friends feel special just like he made all of his grandchildren feel special.  I learned that my faith didn’t die with her but went into hibernation for just a little while.  I learned that God loves us even when he says no, just like our parents when we are young.  I learned that I didn’t cause her passing because I prayed the wrong prayer or the wrong way.  Her passing wasn’t a punishment.

If the quote above is true, I feel like I still have many things to learn from the loss of my beloved child.  Her life was a most amazing gift and to have her taken away so suddenly for a while did feel like a punishment.  I know better now and this is one reason why I write about Madison.  I want to celebrate her life through writing so that everyone who reads it will get a glimpse of how wonderful she was.  My nephew Murray wanted to follow her around with a camera just to catch the things she would say.  She was so clever and funny he didn’t want to miss anything.  I wish we had taken more video of her.

Today would have been Madison’s 24th birthday.  On this day I’ll remember the lessons learned from her life and her death. But most of all I will think about how much she loved her family, her friends, her dogs, and her birthday.  I know she’s celebrating in heaven!

The Importance of Being Danny

Just a couple of weeks before Christmas 2016 I brought Danny, our corgi to the vet.  It was time for his annual check up and I noticed his eye was red.  I took this opportunity to talk to the doctor about Danny drinking a lot of water, more than usual for the last few months.  First she addressed his eye which after a few days healed.  Her biggest concern was his over consumption of water.  He was tested for several things.  We found out that he has cushing’s disease.  

Danny is ten years old and belonged to Madison.  Before one of her surgeries she willed him to Derric should anything happen to her, so now technically he is Derric’s.  Cushing's disease is treatable, thank goodness, but before we knew this we were pretty concerned/upset.  You see while we still have Danny it’s like we still have a little bit of Madison with us here on earth.  She loved her dog so much.  This new development in his health has made us realize that he won’t be with us a whole lot longer.  The average lifespan of a Pembroke Welsh Corgi is twelve-fourteen years, and as I said he is ten years old.

Sometimes I think we love him as much as we do because of how much Madison loved him.  He is completely cute, however sometimes he can be quite the...butt!  He nips our heels if we run, he has knocked little kids over just to lick their ears.  We have all tripped over Danny numerous times because he is almost constantly under foot.  Also he used to relentlessly picked on our old poodle before we lost Boudreaux when he was eighteen years old.  He does have some endearing qualities too that make him lovable.  Danny looks like he is always smiling, and he is very goofy when he rolls all over the ground.  I have often found him sleeping on his back with his mouth opened.  Also, I swear sometimes he answers when we talk to him with a grunt, a growl or a groan.  Madison always talked about his expressive eyes and it’s true they are.  But his most endearing quality is like I said before, she loved him intensely and he was devoted to her.

When she was at school he used to sit by the door and wait for her a good part of the day.  He rarely left her side unless food was involved.  After we lost Madison he did still wait for her and look for her, especially after Dallas got home from school.  He would go to her room and sit by the door or the front door like usual.  Eventually, he realized she was not coming home. It was sad to watch him look and wait for her but just as sad when he stopped.  There are still times even over seven years later when he goes into her bedroom just to lay down.  I believe he remembers her.

We just had our eighth Christmas without our girl and are about to start a new year too.  I hope and pray Danny will be with us a few years more, after all cushing’s is treatable so I think he will.  He is goofy, silly, irritating, cute and very loud but we love him.  The importance of Danny being Danny is his link to our beloved Madison.

Seven Years

It’s been seven years since I touched your pretty face and held you in my arms.  Seven years since I kissed your soft cheek and heard your sweet voice.  It has been seven years since I’ve heard your distinct walk through the house and brushed your long brown hair.  We all still miss you and my heart still aches even though it’s been seven years.

There is no time limit to grief, I have learned this among other things in the last seven years.  I’ve learned I am stronger than I thought I was, and it’s ok to cry, even if it’s every day.  But not to live so long in the past that we give up the present and future.  I have learned how to talk about you my sweet Madison without my voice and hands shaking...well most of the time.  The hardest thing to learn was how to live without you.  The struggle is real and not just for me.  You left a hole so big that I don’t think you ever realized how much you would be missed and by so many.  I imagine that hole in my heart not filled, because nothing can ever do that but surrounded by sunflowers, one of your favorites.  

My heart will ache no matter how many years have gone by.  And I will always remember the softness of your touch, the way you called me, “mama,” and how very blue your eyes.  Eventually when I am old my memory may fade but my love for you never will.

Purpose

Purpose

We all at some point in our lives search for our purpose here on earth.  Not long ago I read a poem that one of Madison’s friends had written and at the end she said she found her purpose.  I began to wonder about my sweet child no longer with me.  What was Madison’s purpose?  I know we all have one whether we realize it or not, no matter how short or long our lives may be.  I really began to think about her time here and who she may have influenced that I didn’t know, or the lives she touched just by being herself.  I try to remember as many of our conversations as I can.  I remember her strong ideas and all the love she had to give and all of her hurts, emotionally and physically.  

What struck me at her funeral and at her memorial was how many of her friends called Madison their best friend.  That was such a wonderful thing to hear.  She apparently had the gift of making each of them feel special.  I know how much she loved and cared for each one of them.  Her friends helped her feel “normal.”  Madison strived be able to do as many of the same things as her friends could do.  But they knew her limitations and were very kind to her because they loved her too.

The interesting thing about Madison’s friends is how different they all are.  I believe she was the magnet that brought them all together.  I honestly don’t think some of them would have ever spent time together if not for Madison.  She had many gifts, her amazing heart being the best one.  There aren’t enough adjectives to say how much I miss her.

I know what her purpose was.

This is a photo of some of her best friends at the 8th grade dance 2007.

House Hunting

When we moved to Tennessee I know my children were not happy about it.  I tried to put everything in a positive light for them, especially when it came to house hunting.  We ran our poor real estate agent ragged but she was wonderful.  We looked at house after house after house; but I thought it was fun and tried to make it enjoyable for everyone.  We did most of our hunting during the spring and summer of 2009.  There were many days when on our own while Mark was at work, the kids and I would get in the car and just drive through different neighborhoods looking for house for sale signs and flyers.

I’ll never forget one particular day when the four of us (kids and I) were driving in a neighborhood near Choto Lane and we kept seeing chipmunks.  We were enthralled because we had never seen chipmunks in person.  We were having a lively conversation when Derric jokingly said something derogatory to Madison.  She being seated in the back seat with Dallas but behind him leaned forward with her long arms and fingers and wrapped her hands around Derric’s neck, playfully trying to strangle him.  I know, how is that playful?  Surrounded by pandemonium in the car as I drove through this neighborhood I can only imagine if anyone had seen us they were glad we were driving away.  It was funny but you had to be there to appreciate it.  Anyway, as Derric was laughing and yelling at Madison she was laughing and yelling at him for what he said.  Dallas was laughing at them both and I was doing my best to pay attention to the road.  Suddenly there was a moment of silence when Madison states or yells, “black chicken.”  Another moment of silence followed by all of us laughing and Madison pointing at, indeed a black chicken. Thankfully we were at a stop sign and able to take a real pause.  The chicken caught her eye through all the chaos in the car and everything else was forgotten.  We were a little surprised, but thought it cool that in this very nice neighborhood someone kept chickens and she had never seen a black chicken in person.

We talked and laughed about that day for many weeks and every time I hear someone say the name Choto Lane I think of that day laughing with my kids while we house hunted and those adorable little chipmunks and that awesome black chicken.  It’s these little crazy silly moments that bring a smile to my face and that I miss so much.  I thank God everyday for these wonderful memories.

Madison and Chip.

Perspective

Perspective is everything.  I lost my perspective for a long time after losing Madison.  My perspective was not perfect before we lost her either.  I realize I was very focused on Madison for a few years before we lost her, probably to the detriment of Derric and Dallas.  Madison’s last few years were not easy ones.  Her health was more fragile she had more surgeries and they were extremely complicated and serious surgeries.  So yes I was very focused on keeping one of my children healthy and alive.  I know now that I neglected my other children’s needs to an extent.  I don’t mean they went without their physical needs like food, clothing, a place to live or missing school.  I mean it was hard to be completely there emotionally for them, and sometimes I had to miss field trips or couldn’t help with school work or projects or things of that nature so that I could care for Madison.  Those things may sound trivial but to a child they are very important and can take a toll.  I probably should have shared more of my concerns with Derric and Dallas so that they could have understood more of what was going on. I didn’t want to scare them, because I myself was.  Maybe they could feel it but didn’t know what it was.  Because Derric was older I did actually share a little more with him than Dallas, I thought she was too young to have such heavy thoughts weighing on her.  I probably underestimated her ability to handle the deep emotions that come when someone you love is seriously ill.  We talked about Madison’s condition but usually in a positive tone, or as I see it now arrogance.  We thought, “we got this.”  I won’t rehash that.

After Madison died I was angry that God didn’t answer my prayers they way I wanted.  I was angry that my child was gone and that there were so many “bad” people in this world still alive.  I lost empathy and sympathy for others.  I was living in my own pity party.  Yes all the why’s and how could You thoughts flooded my head.  If I talked with someone and they had a complaint, in my head I would think, well at least you still have all your children or really you think that’s bad.  I know it is a horrible thing to think.  At that point I didn’t care.

I don’t know exactly how long it took me to get out of that funk, it was a slow process, but I thank God that I did.  By then it was too late for me to really connect with Dallas.  I made attempts while in my funk but they were not well received, understandably so.  I felt for a long time like I was losing her too.  Now six years and almost seven months later I know I haven’t lost her and my perspective is much better.  I think her perspective is better too.

Now I wake up every morning thankful for my God, my family, friends, everything.  My empathy is stronger than ever and I’m glad to be alive. I am happy to get to be with the ones I love and to know that my Madison is in heaven gives my comfort.  I have a peace in my life that I have never really had before.  No my life is not perfect, far from it.  I have decided on a new perspective.  I have decided to choose to try to be happy every day, no I don’t always succeed but I try and if I worry or am angry it is usually very short lived.  I try not to let myself dwell on negative thoughts, and I try not to speak negatively.  Do I always succeed in this?  Of course not, I am an imperfect person and I am okay with that.  I remember that I have the gift of self discipline and make every effort to use it, this is very important when the negative thoughts creep into my head.  I choose happiness and gratitude!

Yes I lost Madison, but Derric and Dallas are still here with me and I love them so much.  I have a husband and family that love me and I love them.  I have my health and my husband and children are healthy too and I have friends that I can talk to.  I have a nice home a dependable car a flexible job and and great coworkers and bosses.  I think Madison would be proud of the person I have become.  I am stronger spiritually, emotionally and physically too.  My goal in life is to be the best person I can be and to help my children be the best people they can be so that one day we will all be together again with Madison and all of our other loved ones in heaven.  Thank you God.

I Wonder

I often wonder what would Madison be up to and into if she were still with us today.  I know, I know, it seems like dwelling on what I don’t have, but I don’t dwell...I wonder.

I wonder if Madison would be making a living with her crafts on ETSY or maybe her own website.  She sometimes wondered what she could do to, “earn her keep.”

I wonder if she would have her own blog about her life with having Marfan’s Syndrome, or just her life in general.  Our normal was usually very different from other people’s normal.  I know that no one has the same life experiences but when there is a special needs child in the family life is not like your neighbors in many ways.  That is why we tried to make as many good memories as possible because sometimes our normal was the hospital or lots of doctor visits.

I wonder what the rest of us would be doing now if Madison were still here.  

I wonder what she would think of the choices each of us has made in the past six and a half years.

I do know that Madison had a lot of love in her heart for her family and friends.

I know that she believed in God.  And even though the answer to our prayers wasn’t the answer we wanted I know she would not want us to lose hope or faith in our Creator.

I know I miss her every single minute of every single day.

I know that today Madison would have been twenty three years old.

Most of all I know that Madison is in heaven and one day I will see her again.

Happy Birthday sweet girl!

"Hope is a Good Thing"

“Hope is a good thing,” a quote from The Shawshank Redemption by Stephen King, and my motto for life, at least one of them.  After my last post I started thinking about that motto and this blog.  I said in a past post that this blog is my way to let everyone who reads it get to know Madison, it's my memory, my venting and my journal too.  But I realized that I don’t just write it for selfish reasons.  I also want to give hope to others going through similar emotions after the loss of a child or loved one.  

I hope people will come to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s just a pin prick of light.  Those incredibly dark days at the beginning of our grief journey do lighten, it may take a long time but eventually it happens.  There is no time table on grief.  The weight of the ache and pain does lessen, even if it never goes away.  I believe our/my responsibility to Madison is to learn to live a good and productive life while not forgetting her.  

She inspired me in so many ways that it would be a disservice to her memory not to live in a way she would be proud.  She inspired me to recycle so I do.  She inspired me to be more accepting of people who are different, so I am and I try.  I admit that this has been an evolving thing in my life.  I try to remember that everyone has something they are struggling with everyday.  This helps me not to judge too harshly or to change my mind when I do.  She taught me that pain is relative.  When I have a back ache or some other thing that may be uncomfortable I remember that my child lived in real physical pain every single day of her life especially for the last few years.  She taught me that people who are in wheelchairs don’t like to be stared at.  She used to say, “mom, why can’t they just say hello instead of staring at me?.”  I work with children because Madison loved little kids.  She said they never judged her or looked at her funny, they just wanted to play.  That's why I now work with young kids, they are the embodiment of unconditional love.

So for those of you who read my blog, whether friend or stranger, I hope this helps you in some small way.  I hope that it helps put your own life in perspective.  I hope if you have lost a child or loved one you will know that there is hope for your future. Even without the loved one who is lost, you don’t have to remain lost yourself.  The challenge is not to fill the hole in your heart and life, because I believe that is impossible, the challenge is to learn to live with it there.  I have learned that difficult thing and there are times when the wound feels quite fresh.  But as time goes by I recover from those moments more quickly.  

I cling to my hope and the love I have for Madison and the rest of my family.  I believe we get strength from from one another and watching and encouraging each other's steps forward.  I think we also get strength from Madison’s memory.  We have hope and it is a good thing!

"Get busy living or get busy dying"

I went back to work in September after being gone for six months.  A co-worker was setting up photos of all the teachers with a little information about each including their motto for life.  When she asked me my motto I had no idea what to say, so she asked me to think about it and let her know.  My first thought was great, now I have to think about my life!  But that turned out to be a good thing.

Seeing how I work at a daycare I knew I would have to keep it light and positive.  My first couple of ideas were sarcastic and negative.  Then I remembered a line from the movie Shawshank Redemption (no I didn’t read the novella), “hope is a good thing.”  I thought to myself I do have hope again.  After we lost Madison I lost most of my hope but I can now say it is back.  When I told Derric I decided to choose a line from that movie he thought I was going to use, “get busy living or get busy dying.”  I laughed and thought it would be funny but decided to keep it short and sweet and something I wouldn’t have to explain.

However when I look back on my journey of where I was in late 2009 to where I am now, that motto fits my life also.  After losing Madison I wanted to “get busy dying.”  I used to have some pretty dark thoughts, not about hurting myself because in my heart I felt that would not bring me to Madison but further away.  I won’t voice those dark thoughts because they don’t exist any more, thank God.  And that is who I give the credit to for bringing me out of the dark place.  After a long time hope grew inside of me with the help of prayer and family and grief therapy.  As hope grew I decided to “get busy living.”

Honestly I feel the motto, “get busy living or get busy dying,” fits my family too.  We are all doing so much better now.  I feel like we all have more hope in each of our lives, and we all are more able to move forward.  I am positive that, “hope is a good thing.”

Another Christmas 2015

Just before Christmas while driving through my neighborhood heading home after work, I began thinking about Madison.  I think about her a lot when I drive.  My mind often goes to her but especially when I'm driving.  As I turned a corner admiring the Christmas lights an overwhelming feeling came upon me.  Another Christmas without her.  I know this fact, and knew it was the holidays, but even after six years it’s still so hard.  From everything I've read about other parents who have lost a child it will always be hard no matter how many years pass.  I never expected it would be easy.  Sometimes though I'm caught off guard or surprised by the force and timing of these strong emotions that hit me. Dallas not being able to come home for Christmas this year is very likely contributing to this feeling.

This Christmas 2015 was our seventh one without Madison.  I know she's in my heart, blah, blah, blah! I just don't want to hear that crap!  Not that anyone has said that to me lately.  I'm selfish I want her here with me.  I want to hold her and talk to her. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.  

This is one of those "why" moments.  What is supposed to come out of all the suffering?  Yes my head knows some of the answers but my heart says "shut up!". Faith and hope.  My heart aches, so does my head.  I've come to think of grief like an ocean. Sometimes the highs and lows flow through me likes waves other times I feel calm as still waters.  Though that could be when I'm just drained and numb.  

I don't know anything anymore.  The instability of that statement is what keeps me on edge, yet sometimes calms me.  I knew that I didn't have all the answers before we lost Madison, but I thought I at least had a few.  How arrogant I was?