Feast Day

I have an acquaintance that also lost a child, her only daughter, many years ago.  She calls that day her baby's feast day.  At first I didn't know what to think upon hearing this, but then realized what a beautiful thing to call it.  In Catholicism we call the day of a Saint’s death their feast day.  As a Christian we believe and are taught that our ultimate goal is to be with God in heaven. We are told that one of the things we’ll do after making it to heaven is sit at the Lord's table. Madison entered that state of grace the evening of October 9, 2009, her feast day. I know exactly where my girl is, and yes that does give me some comfort. Her struggle is over, and my poor child struggled plenty while here on earth.  Now we who loved her most are left to struggle without her. 

At first we struggled with the realization that she was actually gone, then to sleep or just to get out of the bed.  In our heads we/I struggle with our loss, we try to make sense out of something senseless.  The question why comes up a lot in the beginning and even occasionally after five years.  Some of our relationships have struggled, with family, friends and each other. This struggle has touched every aspect of our lives, but in different ways, as we are different people.  None of us are the same since Madison's death.  Sure people generally change or evolve a bit as the years go by, but we fell off a cliff this day five years ago. When we eventually stood up after the fall our personalities had shifted, even if slightly it has made a big difference in the people we are today. 

There is no going back to the way we used to be.  One of the things that didn't change however, is the love I have for my children. They make me laugh and cry and smile and drive me crazy.  l am blessed beyond belief to be their mom.  I miss Madison so much and who we all used to be when she was with us.  Our new normal is still emerging, but we will love and try to accept each other throughout.

So yes we struggle every day, but we cannot stop living because of the struggle.  We will all eventually have our feast day.  It’s our job on this earth to make the best of our time here, I know this is my opinion but I believe it.