Tears

 I try not to cry when I tell new people about Madison.  Not because I want to appear strong or am embarrassed but because crying, especially for my daughter is a very personal thing.  Most of the time I am successful.  I don't always get emotional talking about what caused her death.  I will admit that I do get a little shaky if the topic lasts too long.  However when I get asked about her personally, I can usually only go on for a little while before I have to stop. I don't like to share my tears, so I will just stop talking as though I am finished and smile. It’s not that I am afraid to cry. Crying just feels too intimate especially when it's about Madison.  Actually crying in general is not something I care to share; maybe I've become stoic.

Don't get me wrong I cry and usually everyday, I just choose not to share my tears with most people.  I also love talking about my children, even Madison.  There are times though when I have to say, "I really can't talk about this anymore."   There are moments while talking about her that I'll feel overwhelmed and get choked up but I can usually hold it together pretty well.  Just the other day though, I started to cry while talking about Madison and Marfan syndrome.  It had been a stressful few days and I wasn't feeling great.  Someone asked me about Madison and I answered the question then started to lose it.  My emotions were pretty close to the surface and I got very choked up.  It happens, I'm human.  I miss her so much.