Why I do what I do

Why I do what I do.

I don’t send out many Christmas cards at all.  I usually buy a small box, with maybe 10 cards and send them to family.  What ever I have left if any, I might send to a couple of close friends.  Occasionally I’ll get crazy and buy a box of 20!  I used to send more than 10, but I no longer enjoy signing them.  I used to sign, love the Boudreaux’s, and then I would put all our names, Mark, Yvette, Derric, Madison and Dallas.  On some cards I’d even write the dogs names.

What do I do now?  Well we are about to have our fourth Christmas without our Madison; it breaks my heart to think that thought, to live that reality.  This year and last I signed our cards, Love the Boudreaux’s, Mark, Yvette, Derric, Dallas and our angel Madison.  I don’t know if I will do that every year, but I don’t know that I won’t.

The reason I send out so few cards is that I know the people I send them to will get it. It feels like a private thing I only want to share with those who knew her well. I can’t leave Madison out of Christmas and I can’t leave her off the card.  Sending those cards with her name included feels like the right thing for me to do now, at this time.  Maybe in the future I’ll be comfortable sharing that private note with more people.  Yes I realize I just shared it here, but a Christmas card is more personal.

I will enjoy spending a quiet Christmas day with my family.  Quiet is not the way our Christmas used to be like in Louisiana.  They were filled with extended family and noise and laughter and all that hokey stuff.  I’m grateful for all of my family; those that are with us, and those that have gone on to, “the next great adventure,” to quote Albus Dumbledore (JK Rowling).

I put her stocking up every year and always will.  I put her little tree up in her bedroom and always will.  I keep her name on the Christmas cards and probably always will.

Merry Christmas! and Happy New Year!

3 Years

Today is the 3-year anniversary of my daughter Madison’s death.  That is a hard sentence to write.  It is also the beginning of our new tradition.  Madison’s favorite holiday was Christmas.  I have decided to put up her little Christmas tree in her bedroom today and keep it up until after Christmas.  I am going to put it up every year on October 9^th.

I got the idea from a family that lives in Louisiana.  They lost their son many years ago and Christmas was his favorite season too.  I don’t know if they are marking his birth or his death; but every October they put up their Christmas decorations in memory of him.  In our house there will be a little bit of Christmas for several months, instead of just a few weeks.  I think she would have liked that.

Today we’ll go about our usual day, work, school, rehearsal, grocery shop etc.  We will bring her flowers and quietly remember that 3 years ago our hearts were broken.  

Growing up without Sissy

As I watch Dallas grow and become more independent, I am filled with ambivalence. I am happy to see her grow and learn and yes I’ll say it blossom. I am however also sad to see, my not so little girl need me less and less. Soon she will be hardly at home because of school, extra curricular obligations, a busy social life and maybe even a part time job. Another reason I feel a little sad is that I can’t help but wonder, what would Madison be doing now if she were still with us? Derric is pursuing a writing career and Dallas is a junior in high school. Where would Madison be? Before she passed away Madison was very aware that Dallas would soon be surpassing her in many ways; by level of independence and ability to do certain things. This knowledge made her upset, she didn’t want her little sister or her friends to pass her by.

Is it fair to Dallas that while watching and experiencing her growth I think of Madison? How can I not? It probably is not fair to Dallas or for that matter Derric. When he graduated from college in May2012 I was so happy for him, but Madison was not there to share the moment. There was an underlying sadness. Her absence is always so loud to me.

I just miss Madison so much and wish she would have been healed. I used to pray, some days it felt like constantly, for her to be physically healed. One day in March 2009, while driving to Children’s hospital in New Orleans (she was there for a month), I was praying out loud in my car. Suddenly a thought came into my head; “What if the only way to heal her and make the pain go away is to take her?” I think I drove the next 10 miles or so just saying, “please no, don’t take my baby!” I know many people do not believe in actually, “hearing from God,” but I believe I was given a message that day. I was not ready for that message, who would be? I didn’t want to believe it either. I just continued praying. Madison was with us another 6 ½ months. She was 16 ½ when she died.

Now Dallas is 16 years old and healthy and independent and opinionated and talented and beautiful and smart. I feel blessed to call her my daughter. So, is it fair to Dallas that I get a little sad while enjoying her accomplishments and milestones? No, I just wish Madison could be here to see how her sister has grown. Dallas and Derric have been through a lot in the last 2 years 10 months and 2 days. One thing I know is, Madison still would say, “Dallas is a cheese ball!”

Madison Dream

A few nights ago I dreamed about Madison. I rarely have Madison dreams so this was very nice. Actually it was amazing, so I thought I would share it. Just remember it was a dream, some of it is strange, and that’s my subconscious. Some may say that’s just me. I’ll leave out many of the details because if I told them all this post would be extremely long.

We lived in a house where the front entrance was through a restaurant/bar in a mall. I woke up one morning to find that Madison was gone. She didn’t leave a note or say goodbye, she just wasn’t there but her stuff was. No one seemed very concerned and for some reason I felt that I shouldn’t show how anxious I was. So I began my search in the mall of coarse, but did not find her.

After looking for a long time in and around the mall I stopped to rest on a chair in an unoccupied store. In it, was a lot of furniture stacked up as if it were a stage area. Which as it turned out, was a place where 2 people were rehearsing for a play. It was a man and woman. I watched them for a moment then realized that it was the teen actress Hillary Duff. She was practicing for her first big role since Disney. Yes this is a detail that I magically knew.

I left to go back home and ran into my stepdaughter Noelle. She asked if I was going to a wine party later that night. I made it home and saw my sister Cynthia. After we talked it was as if a couple days had passed; I was in my kitchen when Madison walked through the door.

She was absolutely glowing, so happy and smiling and just beautiful. Her hair was thick and wavy and her skin was like ivory. Wow, I just remembered she wasn’t wearing her glasses. She was dressed in a very pale pink dress that almost looked like a terry cloth robe. It was so incredibly soft. I hugged her and asked her where she had been. She said, “Didn’t you see my note, I put in on the frige?” I looked and the refrigerator was completely covered in papers. She pulled off the only one that was colorful and opened it like a brochure. I said, “How was I supposed to see that and know what it was?” She pointed at all the colors and said, “You should have know this would be from me.” Until that moment in my dream I had not noticed the refrigerator.

I grabbed her and hugged her so tight and stroked her hair and face. We sat on the sofa and I told her how much I missed her and loved her. She hugged me back and said, “Oh mama, I love you too.” She looked at me the same way she used to when she thought I was being very silly. This felt wonderfully real; I didn’t want to let go. What was awesome is that this part seemed to last a very long time.

I woke up while hugging her, and it was all right. It felt so good. This was the best dream I’ve ever had with her. It was the first dream where we had a conversation. Actually we didn’t say that much but it was all in the hugs and I could tell she knew and felt it too, just how much I love and miss her. I am so thankful to God for that dream, I needed it.

Madison's 19th birthday

19…it has been 19 years since the day you were born. You were my sweet baby girl with a crooked little nose. We should be having birthday cake and ice cream and blowing out 19 candles plus one to grow on. You should be opening presents and cards and getting hugs and kisses.

So what will we be doing on your birthday, April 10, 2012? Derric, Dallas, dad and I will visit you with flowers. We will laugh about the funny memories we have shared with you. We will also cry for all that we've missed without you. You have left a huge hole in our family. We miss you so much.

These words I write, read so antiseptic, so dry, unemotional. But as I write them I physically feel their gravity in the pit of my stomach. When I think about my Madison not being here it hurts to my core. It is as if something is inside of me, squeezing my stomach and lungs so tight that I can’t sit up straight. I am always a little sad and the tears come too easy. Madison’s absence is felt everyday but especially at family gatherings and holidays.

So we will send you birthday wishes in heaven. You get to celebrate with Granny, both your Papaw’s, Becky and Uncle Edward (whom you so affectionately called Shorty.) We all love you and miss you.

Happy Birthday!

Love you always,

Mama

xoxo

From Blue to Gray

From Blue to Grey

She started off like any other,

Two sisters, a loving brother, wonderful parents

And never sad, appreciating all she had.

From blue to grey.

Happy to sad. The things she knew. The life she had.

Those blue eyes, that baby face,

No one knew what would take place.

A girl like her, she was a shocker.

Real sarcastic, and dry sense of humor.

Her friends, they didn't get her.

Her family tried to help her but what could they do?

And what could she say?

They couldn't take the pain away. No one knew what to say.

From blue to grey.

Happy to mad. The friends she lost. The smarts she had.

She always felt as if her life was unfair.

She found new friends, and she found new fear,

And every night there were new tears to bear.

Being scared is a part of life.

You just need to learn to fight the battle.

From blue to grey.

From naive to smart. The end of the story will be the best part,

'Cause she will survive,

I will survive.

I was given life for a reason. I refuse to go out that way.

I will not be defeated, this cannot be beaten out of me.

'Cause what happened, happened and what didn't won't.

There is no point in choosing a dead end road.

From blue to grey.

Sadness to glee.

That little girl, yes, she was me.

by Madison Boudreaux