I believe in the sun even
when it is not shining.
I believe in love even when
I cannot feel it. I believe in
God even when he is silent. Anonymous
As I listened to these words being sung I felt sad and had goosebumps. I began to think about the reasons people give for losing their faith or not believing in God. And considering the horrors of WWII and what I have read about concentration camps, the reasons seem a bit feeble. If someone living through hell can remain in their faith, I am awed by them.
Yes, I was angry for a while after we lost Madison. I questioned how a loving God could let something happen that hurt so many people. And yes, for a brief period I wondered if God heard my prayers or really existed. I understand how someone can hurt so badly that they question, then I remember the faith I had before losing Madison. But more than that I look at the world around me and beauty we are surrounded by. Yes I know and see the bad too, I've lived through some of the bad. I choose every day to find the good, even if I can only find one good thing at least there is one. I am blessed I can usually find many good things, my family, friends, job, pets, flowers, sunshine and rain just to name a few. I also remember the faith Madison had. She lived with physical and emotional pain every day during her last year's with us yet she had a strong faith. I think that that faith sustained her and helped her not give up, but inspired her to try every day to do the best she could. Madison’s strength and faith and humor taught me so much.
Yes, we prayed for Madison to be healed, and I don't understand the answer we got except to say she's no longer in pain. The person who wrote the poem, “I believe in the sun,” was obviously in the midst of a living nightmare yet, still had faith, hope and love. I can't imagine the horrors endured in a WWII concentration camp, but hope lived. I think that is a beautiful thing. So who are we? Yes, in life we will endure disappointments, we may even experience a tragedy, the loss of a loved one or some unexpected really bad thing may happen to us or a loved one. I guess losing faith, to me feels like giving up. So because we didn't get the answer we wanted, or don't understand the answer, we decide that God doesn't exist? We just give up? Maybe I'm a bit of a cynic, maybe a little bitter, I don't know. I do know that I won't give up on God or myself. I was weak after losing my daughter, drained and overwhelmed with grief. I questioned God, I think asking questions is a good thing and can help heal. Healing from profound loss is a process; sometimes moving forward and sometimes a little bit backwards but hopefully mostly forward.
Would I love to have Madison here with me? Yes! And it doesn't hurt any less knowing she's not in pain any more. It will always hurt that she died, that I can't hug her or hear her voice or laugh with her. It hurts everyday, and I can't change what happened. What I can do is honor my daughter's memory by living a hopeful and faith filled life. I guess my point is that someone in a WWII concentration camp still believed in God even though surrounded by horrific conditions. I won't let disappointment, heartache or profound loss steal my faith. Madison believed and so do I. And if this makes me “religious” so be it. As we celebrated another Christmas, our ninth without Madison, and welcome a new year the pain of her absence is still present. It never goes away. I will remember her love for Christmas, her family, her dog and God. Believe, and never give up! Or as Madison would say, "Never give up, never surrender!". (Galaxy Quest)
