Perspective is everything. I lost my perspective for a long time after losing Madison. My perspective was not perfect before we lost her either. I realize I was very focused on Madison for a few years before we lost her, probably to the detriment of Derric and Dallas. Madison’s last few years were not easy ones. Her health was more fragile she had more surgeries and they were extremely complicated and serious surgeries. So yes I was very focused on keeping one of my children healthy and alive. I know now that I neglected my other children’s needs to an extent. I don’t mean they went without their physical needs like food, clothing, a place to live or missing school. I mean it was hard to be completely there emotionally for them, and sometimes I had to miss field trips or couldn’t help with school work or projects or things of that nature so that I could care for Madison. Those things may sound trivial but to a child they are very important and can take a toll. I probably should have shared more of my concerns with Derric and Dallas so that they could have understood more of what was going on. I didn’t want to scare them, because I myself was. Maybe they could feel it but didn’t know what it was. Because Derric was older I did actually share a little more with him than Dallas, I thought she was too young to have such heavy thoughts weighing on her. I probably underestimated her ability to handle the deep emotions that come when someone you love is seriously ill. We talked about Madison’s condition but usually in a positive tone, or as I see it now arrogance. We thought, “we got this.” I won’t rehash that.
After Madison died I was angry that God didn’t answer my prayers they way I wanted. I was angry that my child was gone and that there were so many “bad” people in this world still alive. I lost empathy and sympathy for others. I was living in my own pity party. Yes all the why’s and how could You thoughts flooded my head. If I talked with someone and they had a complaint, in my head I would think, well at least you still have all your children or really you think that’s bad. I know it is a horrible thing to think. At that point I didn’t care.
I don’t know exactly how long it took me to get out of that funk, it was a slow process, but I thank God that I did. By then it was too late for me to really connect with Dallas. I made attempts while in my funk but they were not well received, understandably so. I felt for a long time like I was losing her too. Now six years and almost seven months later I know I haven’t lost her and my perspective is much better. I think her perspective is better too.
Now I wake up every morning thankful for my God, my family, friends, everything. My empathy is stronger than ever and I’m glad to be alive. I am happy to get to be with the ones I love and to know that my Madison is in heaven gives my comfort. I have a peace in my life that I have never really had before. No my life is not perfect, far from it. I have decided on a new perspective. I have decided to choose to try to be happy every day, no I don’t always succeed but I try and if I worry or am angry it is usually very short lived. I try not to let myself dwell on negative thoughts, and I try not to speak negatively. Do I always succeed in this? Of course not, I am an imperfect person and I am okay with that. I remember that I have the gift of self discipline and make every effort to use it, this is very important when the negative thoughts creep into my head. I choose happiness and gratitude!
Yes I lost Madison, but Derric and Dallas are still here with me and I love them so much. I have a husband and family that love me and I love them. I have my health and my husband and children are healthy too and I have friends that I can talk to. I have a nice home a dependable car a flexible job and and great coworkers and bosses. I think Madison would be proud of the person I have become. I am stronger spiritually, emotionally and physically too. My goal in life is to be the best person I can be and to help my children be the best people they can be so that one day we will all be together again with Madison and all of our other loved ones in heaven. Thank you God.
