I Believe in the Sun

Recently at church I heard a song based on a poem that was written on the wall of a concentration camp during WWII.  The song and poem are called “I Believe in the Sun.”  

        I believe in the sun even

         when it is not shining.

         I believe in love even when

         I cannot feel it.  I believe in

         God even when he is silent.     Anonymous

As I listened to these words being sung I felt sad and had goosebumps.  I began to think about the reasons people give for losing their faith or not believing in God.  And considering the horrors of WWII and what I have read about concentration camps, the reasons seem a bit feeble.  If someone living through hell can remain in their faith, I am awed by them.

Yes, I was angry for a while after we lost Madison.  I questioned how a loving God could let something happen that hurt so many people.  And yes, for a brief period I wondered if God heard my prayers or really existed.  I understand how someone can hurt so badly that they question, then I remember the faith I had before losing Madison.  But more than that I look at the world around me and beauty we are surrounded by.  Yes I know and see the bad too, I've lived through some of the bad.  I choose every day to find the good, even if I can only find one good thing at least there is one.  I am blessed I can usually find many good things, my family, friends, job, pets, flowers, sunshine and rain just to name a few.  I also remember the faith Madison had.  She lived with physical and emotional pain every day during her last year's with us yet she had a strong faith.  I think that that faith sustained her and helped her not give up, but inspired her to try every day to do the best she could.  Madison’s strength and faith and humor taught me so much.  

Yes, we prayed for Madison to be healed, and I don't understand the answer we got except to say she's no longer in pain.  The person who wrote the poem, “I believe in the sun,” was obviously in the midst of a living nightmare yet, still had faith, hope and love.  I can't imagine the horrors endured in a WWII concentration camp, but hope lived.  I think that is a beautiful thing.  So who are we?  Yes, in life we will endure disappointments, we may even experience a tragedy, the loss of a loved one or some unexpected really bad thing may happen to us or a loved one.  I guess losing faith, to me feels like giving up.  So because we didn't get the answer we wanted, or don't understand the answer, we decide that God doesn't exist?  We just give up?  Maybe I'm a bit of a cynic, maybe a little bitter, I don't know.  I do know that I won't give up on God or myself.  I was weak after losing my daughter, drained and overwhelmed with grief.  I questioned God, I think asking questions is a good thing and can help heal.  Healing from profound loss is a process; sometimes moving forward and sometimes a little bit backwards but hopefully mostly forward.  

Would I love to have Madison here with me?  Yes!  And it doesn't hurt any less knowing she's not in pain any more.  It will always hurt that she died, that I can't hug her or hear her voice or laugh with her.  It hurts everyday, and I can't change what happened.  What I can do is honor my daughter's memory by living a hopeful and faith filled life.  I guess my point is that someone in a WWII concentration camp still believed in God even though surrounded by horrific conditions.  I won't let disappointment, heartache or profound loss steal my faith.  Madison believed and so do I.  And if this makes me “religious” so be it.  As we celebrated another Christmas, our ninth without Madison, and welcome a new year the pain of her absence is still present.  It never goes away.  I will remember her love for Christmas, her family, her dog and God.  Believe, and never give up!   Or as Madison would say, "Never give up, never surrender!". (Galaxy Quest)

Eight Years

It’s been eight years today since my sweet Madison left us; and the world kept turning.  We survived, I survived.  I have in my life heard people say things like, “I would just die if…” or “I couldn’t handle it if…”  I realize that statements such as these are exaggerations used to make a point about how difficult some situations can be.  You would be surprised what you can handle, bear, deal with, live through and survive.

Before we lost our Madison I remember on occasion making hyperbolic statements like those.  I know better now.  I know that I can survive great adversity and unimaginable pain.  I know that I can learn and hopefully grow from the difficulties in my life.  I know all this because I already have survived and am continuously learning and growing.  Sure I have set backs, just ask my family.  But I like to think that I learn from those too.

In spite of losing one of my precious children I continued to breathe.  The seasons continue to change and time still ticks away.  Happily our family continues to grow.  We are about to officially welcome a new member into the family this week.  We love this little girl, a niece, and I know the feelings would have been mutual between her and Madison.  It’s the “circle of life” is it not?  One goes and eventually another arrives.

I will go about my day with my children in my heart and on my mind; Madison because I miss her terribly, Derric and Dallas and Noelle too, because I wish they didn’t have to feel this pain so young.

God Wink

Signs… they are everywhere if you know what to look for.  I guess?  I’m not one to see signs or hidden meanings in my surrounding but occasionally I’ll see something that makes me think, hmmm.  I like to call these God winks.  I did not make up this term, I believe I heard it on the Sirius radio's Catholic channel.  It is something too coincidental to be pure accident.

I don’t remember if it was when Madison was in middle school or high school when I found out about Pi Day.  She loved to eat pie and when she found out that there was a Pi Day she was excited.  She knew it represented the number 3.14 but she loved the silliness of it.  Her friends even gave her a t-shirt with the picture of a pie on it and in the pie is baked the symbol for pi.  She loved that shirt.

So today I went for my usual morning walk in the neighborhood and as looked down I saw the pi symbol on the sidewalk.  It looked as though someone purposely put it there because it was too perfect.  At first it looked like it was made of the wrapper from around a straw.  But a close up of the photo shows that someone tore up paper that has writing on it to make this symbol.  Now I’m sure whoever did this did not do it with me in mind.  However I found it and it made me think of Madison and that made me smile.  This pi symbol may not have been intended for me by the person who left it on the sidewalk where I like to walk, but I thank you for my God wink.

I couldn't find a photo of Madison wearing the t-shirt so I just took one of the shirt. I still have all of her favorite t-shirts and plan to make a quilt out of them one day for myself. I wish she were still hear to wear them. Though I'm sure by now there would have been newer cooler t's and clothes to wear.

And by the way she liked this song too!

Life and Death Lessons

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way.”  C.S. Lewis

After reading the quote above my first thought was, “how dense am I that my child had to die for me to be taught a lesson?”  For a long time, even before I read the quote I’ve heard that God can bring good out of the bad things that happen.  I guess that is the silver lining concept.  Seriously though what good can come out of the death of a child?  I don’t think I am the only parent wondering this question.  So I reflect on my life and the lives of my family members before we lost Madison.

Her life taught us so much, like acceptance of those who are different.  I feel we became more sensitive to people who are disabled and their desire to be treated like everyone else.  And just in general to treat everyone with a little kindness.  She helped us learn to be more patient.  We realized that just because someone smiles doesn’t mean they are okay.  Her life and the lives of each of my children taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.  These are just a few of the things her life has taught me.  So now I ponder what have I learned from her death.

I learned that grief and sorrow are not just a psychological feeling but gut wrenching physical feelings too.  I learned that grief is physically exhausting.  I learned that most of the world doesn’t care about the loss of one child.  I learned who my real friends are.  I learned that some people equate the loss of their pet with the loss of my child.  I learned that some people say really stupid things when they don’t know what to say.  This made me wonder about what stupid thing have I said in difficult situations.  I learned that not every prayer we pray gets us the answer we want.

A couple of years after we lost Madison I started learning some new things.  I learned that I can be really angry at God but He still loves me.  I learned that Madison had more friends than I knew.  I learned that she shared a gift with her Pawpaw Francis and could make all of her friends feel special just like he made all of his grandchildren feel special.  I learned that my faith didn’t die with her but went into hibernation for just a little while.  I learned that God loves us even when he says no, just like our parents when we are young.  I learned that I didn’t cause her passing because I prayed the wrong prayer or the wrong way.  Her passing wasn’t a punishment.

If the quote above is true, I feel like I still have many things to learn from the loss of my beloved child.  Her life was a most amazing gift and to have her taken away so suddenly for a while did feel like a punishment.  I know better now and this is one reason why I write about Madison.  I want to celebrate her life through writing so that everyone who reads it will get a glimpse of how wonderful she was.  My nephew Murray wanted to follow her around with a camera just to catch the things she would say.  She was so clever and funny he didn’t want to miss anything.  I wish we had taken more video of her.

Today would have been Madison’s 24th birthday.  On this day I’ll remember the lessons learned from her life and her death. But most of all I will think about how much she loved her family, her friends, her dogs, and her birthday.  I know she’s celebrating in heaven!