Wagon ride

The story behind this photo is one of simple pleasures.  When you live on almost three acres of land a riding lawn mower is a necessity not a luxury.  Every once in a while if the weather was not too hot Mark would clean out the wagon that attached to the back of the mower.  He would get the kids and give them a ride around the yard, taking care not to go too fast or hit too many bumps. As you can see by the looks on their faces Derric, Madison and Dallas loved it.  It was like a tiny hayride in our own backyard...but without the hay, usually a blanket or towel to sit on.

The little fun things we used to do with our children gives me such peace.  Knowing that we took the time to lay in the grass and watch the clouds go by.  Or sitting on the big swing in our yard and talking or the hammock. We used to pretend to dance the tango down our very long hallway.  Picnics in the living room when it rained were one of my favorites. I hope Derric and Dallas remember these little things and think on them with a smile.  These memories always bring a smile to my face. I hope they know how much they are loved and have been greatly loved, their whole lives.

My unsolicited advice to anyone reading this, cherish the small moments.  Sear them into your brain to think on when your children are no longer small.  Take time to talk with your children, read to them and with them. Make up original stories to tell them at bed time.  Lay on a blanket in the grass and watch the clouds go by. Play music loud and dance as a family together in the den. Do silly things together, make a million good little memories.  They grow up so fast and these memories will bring you comfort.

These memories do bring me great comfort especially since there are no more memories to be made with Madison.  Those stopped nine years ago today. I am so grateful that I still get to make new memories with Mark, Derric, Dallas, Noelle and Juliana and the new addition to our family Derric’s fiance’ Leslie.  I am also happy that I can still say, I truly am a blessed woman. While today won’t be easy for those of us who knew and loved Madison, I take comfort from my sweet memories because not only do they make me cry they also make me smile.

Sad Box

Well I am at it again, this time there is more purpose in my actions.  I am de-cluttering my house in an effort to downsize. I thought starting with smaller projects would make the bigger projects go more smoothly.  The girls bedrooms seemed a good pace to begin. I emptied containers that were in Madison’s room that actually belong to Dallas. There is now a donate pile, a keep (give back to Dallas) pile and a garbage bag on the way to being filled up.  

I came upon two paper shopping/gift bags that have been moved to different places around the house over the last, almost nine years.  Realizing that something had to be done with them other than just keep moving them I sat on the floor of Madison’s bedroom and dug in.  Mistake number one...I was not emotionally prepared for this activity. Mistake number two...there were people at my house doing repairs and they occasionally needed to talk to me.  After about five minutes of going through the contents of these bags I was not fit to speak to anyone. I stopped this particular project and eventually moved on to something else.

These two bags hold all the sympathy cards and letters we received from family, friends, acquaintances and coworkers after we lost Madison.  I kept everything even the ribbons that came with some. I have not had the will or the strength to go through all the feelings these notes would bring up.  But I figured I had better just do it and get it done.

That was a little over a week ago, so I got myself prepared mentally and emotionally and made sure I had the time and the house all to myself for at least part of the day.  Because I was prepared, the emotions didn’t completely overwhelm me but I did go through a few tissues. I was surprised that some of the cards made me a bit irked, I didn’t keep those.  I decided to keep some of the cards and put them in a small box to store more easily. I am really glad I went through those bags because they contained quite a few photos.

When I shared what I was going to do with Derric he told me, “Great you’re going to have a box filled with sadness, just put that thing in a dark corner of the attic.  When you feel like crying pull out your sad box.” This made me laugh. So I now have a “sad box” but it’s not in the attic.

I feel a need to keep the cards and letters that I chose because they remind me, not that I need much reminding, how much Madison was loved.  Some of them contain such genuine and heartfelt expressions of love for Madison and for us as her family. When I read them I felt grateful that these family and friends took the time to express their love for my sweet girl and how much they care for us.  They remind me that my sweet girl touched more lives than I knew and she will be remembered. That’s so important to me, that she is remembered for her love, compassion, friendship and that amazing wit and sense of humor.

I miss her terribly.  There are so many good things I wish we could share with her.  Love my kids so much!

Lists

Madison kept up the family tradition of making lists.  I make lists, my mother made lists and her mother made lists.  I believe my sisters make lists and I know Dallas and Derric do too.  Everyday I have a new to-do list.  There are shopping lists, lists of big chores, small chores and repairs.  Lists for work, home, school, people, you name it and I probably have made a list for it.

After we lost Madison I found some of her lists.  She had to-do lists, but also baby name lists, favorite tv show lists, Pokemon lists, tv show character lists even lists of colors.  She had lists of family members, friends and you get the picture.  I now find myself in the happy position of helping to assemble a wedding list.  Derric, Madison's big brother is getting married and we, Mark, Dallas and I are crazy about Leslie.  I know that Madison would have loved her too and that Leslie would have loved Madison.  We are happily looking forward to their wedding day and I know that Madison will be there in spirit but...

So here was my to-do list for today April 10, 2018.

• 9 AM Mass
• Home Depot
• Costco
• Doctor appt
• Visit Madison's grave
• Dinner

It was a much shorter list than most days.  Today is Madison's birthday, she would have been twenty five years old.  I love and miss her terribly.

Happy Birthday sweet girl!!!  That's all I got