Her Happy Relief

I was recently watching The Lord of the Rings Return of the King; I love these movies.  As I watched the scene when Frodo gets onto the ship I had a rush of emotion.  I know that this represents the death of all who get on this ship and I have always known it since I read the book.  But what struck me is that when Frodo looks back and smiles he seems relieved.  Maybe I am reading something into it that wasn’t there, and it has been a very long time since I read the book.  But we are led to believe that he was living with a great amount of pain, both from an injury sustained years earlier and emotional pain.  The wound never fully healed.  It was that look of happy relief that made me think of Madison.

One of my sisters told me after we lost Madison that when she left her body, she probably felt no pain for the first time since she was a little girl.  Madison’s first thought was probably I’m not going back this feels too good.  Indeed, I wouldn’t ask her to give up bliss.  But bliss is not what we feel or felt when she left us.

It has been 10 years; I can hardly believe it.  I still think about Madison daily, but I’m happy to say I no longer cry daily.  The pain and sadness of her absence is still there it’s just different.  There are still days when it is intense, I hide it well.  Those who know me will have to let me know if I really do hide it well.  I still talk about her because she is still a part of my life in thoughts and memories.  And when I talk about Madison, I’m not looking for a pity party I just want people to know how amazing she was.  That’s why I talk about how great all my kids are.  She’s one of my kids so I’ll keep talking.

And by the way, Madison liked Lord of the Rings too.  We both thought Legolas was so pretty on that screen.  So like Frodo she may have been relieved to let go of the pain of life, but we certainly were not.

Contemplation

I watched a short film not long ago called, “The Life of Death,” considering the mood I was in, that probably wasn't a good idea.  It was haunting and sad but also surprisingly sweet; and it brought me to tears, actually I cried quite a bit. I find the topic of death sad but fascinating though I try not to think about it much.  The mystery of the unknown, of what happens when we die has always drawn me in, even when I was a child. Not that I'm obsessed on it but more philosophically. My experience with losing loved ones from a very young age may have started this wondering.

Some people of strong religious belief will tell you they know exactly what happens when we die.  But do they really? I mean really know!? As a christian I do believe in the existence of heaven and hell but what about the journey?  I feel we are all on the journey now, our life choices determine our death or eternal life. But does it happen in an instant? Do we greet lost loved ones before our judgement?  Do we arrive at the pearly gates or hell the moment we pass? Are there really gates? I have seen movies and read books about the near death experiences of real people and while there is a similar tone through each description none are the same.  That leads me to believe that just as no two lives are identical so no two deaths or death experiences will be the same. Many people who have had a near death experience say they have seen a bright light and have the feeling of being in a sort of tunnel and seeing departed loved ones.  I read one account that seemed a little business like, and another that was scary. I have also heard that what we "think" we experience is simply our brain synapses in the dying process and because we all have different thoughts we'll all have different experiences. If that helps you sleep at night.

While going through Madison’s notebooks after she died I found quite a few poems that she wrote and papers written for school.  She wrote down many things that seemed like they were ideas for poems or stories but had not gotten very far. One such thing was a statement that left me wondering and a little shocked.  I do believe that in the last couple of years of her life she spent a lot of time thinking about death. Madison’s last two years in particular, her health was declining. She was having a harder time with energy levels and just getting tired quicker than usual.  Her cardiologist confirmed that her aorta was increasing in size and the medicine was not working. When we realized heart surgery was in her near future I believe that sparked her deeper contemplation of death.

“Unfortunately death is something you need to do alone”

This statement was oddly placed on an assignment for one of her classes in ninth grade.  The teacher asked students to write down different things about themselves like: Where do you see yourself in ten years?  What do you value most? What will you do this weekend? Etc. But several lines down set apart from all of the answers to the questions, she wrote that very singular line.  I did not see the actual questions so I can only infer what they were by the answers but this one stood out. She was right.

I like to think her journey was smooth and for her joyful.  I imagine her two pawpaw’s and granny were waiting with open arms along with other lost loved ones.  This is how I hope my journey to “the undiscovered country” goes, into the arms of Madison. For now I am on my journey hopefully making the choices that will get me to her one day. This is what helps me sleep at night.

26

          Today, April 10th would have been Madison’s 26th birthday.  Ten years ago we didn’t realize we were celebrating her last birthday with us; a month earlier we didn’t know if she would see her sixteen birthday.  She had gotten out of the hospital almost two weeks earlier and we had a quiet celebration at home. Her friends would see her a few days later. I was so filled with gratitude and love that she made it through a difficult month in New Orleans Children’s Hospital.  We were cautiously hopeful for her recovery. And yes this is all hard to think about but it is compounded by another recent loss. Madison’s beloved dog Danny has gone to be with her.

I know that some will say Danny can’t possibly be with Madison because dogs don’t go to heaven.  My response to that is, how do you know? How does anybody really know what heaven is like? Some say heaven doesn’t exist.  Some people will say it’s in the bible that there are no animals in heaven. Well it’s also in the bible that God created everything, even the animals; so if animals are created by God why wouldn’t they be in heaven?  This is not exactly where I intended this post to go, but c’est la vie. I’ve heard it said that in heaven we are in a perfect state of being so we don’t need animals. This is man’s interpretation. We are all fallible humans, we interpret what we read but is our interpretation completely correct?  I know I may sound like a doubting Thomas but unless you have been to heaven and came back with undeniable proof that there are no animals or pets in heaven, I will choose to believe that my sweet girl gets to see her “treasure” again. She loved that dog so much and he adored her.

“All Dogs Go to Heaven” is a movie that Madison only watched I think once.  She couldn’t bear the thought of a dog, especially one of our dogs dying. When we got Danny for Madison in 2006 it was in part to help her recover after spine surgery that she had a few months earlier.  We thought Danny would encourage Madison to move around more. We thought playing with him would be good light exercise for her and it was. Danny’s main role though was comfort. Madison loved him deeply and would talk to him about things she thought she couldn’t share with anyone else and he was devoted to her.  He rarely left her side; he would wait for her to come home from school by sitting next to the front door or in her bedroom. We tried several times to take him outside to run while Madison sat on a blanket to watch. Every time when he realized she wasn’t running he would go sit next to her and not budge.

Danny wasn’t the perfect dog but we loved him.  After we lost Madison, Danny would still look for her and wait for her to come home.  This was so sad to watch, but eventually after many months he found a new routine, we all did.  Before Madison’s heart surgery she willed him to Derric. When Derric moved to Knoxville he took over much of Danny’s care.  They bonded and Danny had a new favorite. As Danny aged he developed some serious and irreversible health conditions. Derric and Leslie have taken great care of Danny during the last year of his life.  They have loved him and doted over him and basically adjusted their lives around his needs. They have been wonderful dogie parents.

Losing Danny is like losing a small earthly connection to Madison because she loved and treasured him.  Loving Danny was another way to honor and love her. Danny went peacefully surrounded by much love. I choose to believe that Madison and Danny are both in heaven and doing things they couldn’t do together when she was alive, like running.  Happy birthday baby, we miss you so much and Danny too.

So long and thanks for all the...lessons!

I am thankful for everyday God has granted to me and my loved ones.  I am grateful for the good and the not so good because they have helped me mature and grow.  I am thankful for being able to rest in my comfort zone when I have had enough and for being forced out of it when I needed a push, or shove.   I am not sorry that 2018 has come to an end.  There were many good things that happened in 2018, but there were some disappointing things as well.  I am starting 2019 with resolve to accomplish a few goals that felt out of reach in 2018.

I remember watching a movie when I was a kid, I can’t remember the name, but it ended with the son dying and after his death the mom walked and walked the streets of New York.  She did it because her son couldn’t.  I know some of my motivation comes from knowing Madison couldn’t do many of the things she would have loved to do.  She loved children, that was part of my motivation for getting a job at a child development center.  I am very thankful that my boss took a chance on someone who hadn't had a job outside the home in quite a few years, me.  I love where I work and the people and students I work with.

In 2019 I will continue trying to see the silver lining to any disappointments that may come my way.  This is not a negative thought it’s realistic, disappointments will come and go, how we deal with them defines us.  Madison showed a brave outward appearance, but there were times when she would privately breakdown from the pain.  When I think I have it tough I remember my children who have had to live through things that some people never will.  I don't say this to diminish anything anyone else has gone through, I only speak from my own life experience.  Constant pain, being shunned because you are different, not being able to keep up with friends, watching a beloved sibling die and the family aftermath are just a few of the trials my children have dealt with over the years, I could say more.  Remembering these trials helps me remember my priorities; God, family and friends.  I remember that kindness matters and can mean so much to the person on the receiving end.  I try to be kind and am grateful to have been the recipient of much kindness in my life and hope in the coming year and beyond to be able to show more kindness.

So, in 2019 I will continue working with children not just for me but for Madison too, because she would have loved it like I do.  I will work toward my associate degree in early childhood education.  I will proudly watch my son marry the love of his life, Madison would have loved her too, we all do.  I will watch my daughter graduate from college, we are so proud, Madison would have been too.  I will keep looking for the silver lining and relish the good days.  I am thankful for 2018 but happy to start 2019.  So long 2018, and thanks for all the... lessons.