Contemplation

I watched a short film not long ago called, “The Life of Death,” considering the mood I was in, that probably wasn't a good idea.  It was haunting and sad but also surprisingly sweet; and it brought me to tears, actually I cried quite a bit. I find the topic of death sad but fascinating though I try not to think about it much.  The mystery of the unknown, of what happens when we die has always drawn me in, even when I was a child. Not that I'm obsessed on it but more philosophically. My experience with losing loved ones from a very young age may have started this wondering.

Some people of strong religious belief will tell you they know exactly what happens when we die.  But do they really? I mean really know!? As a christian I do believe in the existence of heaven and hell but what about the journey?  I feel we are all on the journey now, our life choices determine our death or eternal life. But does it happen in an instant? Do we greet lost loved ones before our judgement?  Do we arrive at the pearly gates or hell the moment we pass? Are there really gates? I have seen movies and read books about the near death experiences of real people and while there is a similar tone through each description none are the same.  That leads me to believe that just as no two lives are identical so no two deaths or death experiences will be the same. Many people who have had a near death experience say they have seen a bright light and have the feeling of being in a sort of tunnel and seeing departed loved ones.  I read one account that seemed a little business like, and another that was scary. I have also heard that what we "think" we experience is simply our brain synapses in the dying process and because we all have different thoughts we'll all have different experiences. If that helps you sleep at night.

While going through Madison’s notebooks after she died I found quite a few poems that she wrote and papers written for school.  She wrote down many things that seemed like they were ideas for poems or stories but had not gotten very far. One such thing was a statement that left me wondering and a little shocked.  I do believe that in the last couple of years of her life she spent a lot of time thinking about death. Madison’s last two years in particular, her health was declining. She was having a harder time with energy levels and just getting tired quicker than usual.  Her cardiologist confirmed that her aorta was increasing in size and the medicine was not working. When we realized heart surgery was in her near future I believe that sparked her deeper contemplation of death.

“Unfortunately death is something you need to do alone”

This statement was oddly placed on an assignment for one of her classes in ninth grade.  The teacher asked students to write down different things about themselves like: Where do you see yourself in ten years?  What do you value most? What will you do this weekend? Etc. But several lines down set apart from all of the answers to the questions, she wrote that very singular line.  I did not see the actual questions so I can only infer what they were by the answers but this one stood out. She was right.

I like to think her journey was smooth and for her joyful.  I imagine her two pawpaw’s and granny were waiting with open arms along with other lost loved ones.  This is how I hope my journey to “the undiscovered country” goes, into the arms of Madison. For now I am on my journey hopefully making the choices that will get me to her one day. This is what helps me sleep at night.