Waiting

I was recently reminded of when my mother had the stroke that eventually took her life.  The anniversary of her death, July 30th to be exact, thirteen years ago has just passed.  I was watching the movie “The Descendants.”  In this movie the family sits in the hospital room keeping the mom/wife company while waiting for her to die and saying their goodbyes.  This is a sad part of the movie but the plot is more complicated.

The act of waiting for a loved one to die is a miserable yet honorable privilege.  When my own mother was in the hospital dying we did the same thing.  Members of our family, mostly myself and sisters and her grandchildren one or more of us were always there with her.  We didn’t want her to be alone.  And it has taken me thirteen years to realize what a privilege it was to not only help take care of her in her last few years but especially to be with her those last days.  I was alway glad she was my mother even when we didn’t get along in my teenage years.  I knew she was a good mom and a nicer mom than most others I knew.

She took such good care of us growing up and loved her daughters intensely.  What a gift that was, to be able to take care of her.  To this day when I am sick or under the weather I remember all the little extra things she used to do when we were younger and sick.  I have tried over the years to take as good a care of my own children whenever they have been sick.

Madison told me on a few occasions when she was sick that she was sorry to be a burden.  She was never a burden.  When you love someone taking care of them is just what you do.  She could see that at times I was exhausted but she was never a burden.  I love taking cake of my kids and even though Derric and Dallas are adults when they need me I’m there for them. Now that Madison is gone I feel like I am taking care of her memory.  I’m making sure that she isn’t forgotten and that those who didn’t know her personally can maybe get to know her through me.  It may seem that I wear rose colored glasses where Madison is concerned but I really don’t.  She had her moody cranky side too.  If you were sick as often as she was you would be too.  

After we lost Madison I felt as if I were waiting to die.  I would sit on my sofa and stare at the television, not watching but staring.  Part of me wanted to die too.  I felt useless, like a failure as a mother.  What good could I possibly be to my other children?  I didn’t see the signs that led to Madison’s death, I told myself that I didn’t deserve to be here.  I felt like I was sleepwalking through my life.  The fact that my other kids did indeed still need me I believe is what woke me up.   I am awake and we are moving forward, making plans and yes occasionally having a little fun.  I am no longer waiting to die but trying to live!

Before and After

There will always be certain events in our lives that mark a change or turning point.  Sometimes it is a global or national event that affects many people at once.  I have heard it said that when President Kennedy was shot it changed our nation as a whole, with people becoming less trusting among other things.  I have heard it referred to as the day our nation lost its innocence.  Hurricane Katrina affected a whole region of people whose lives will never be the same.  Sometimes it's a happy event like a marriage or birth.  It is the events that touch our lives personally that affect us the most.  We often identify that period as before and after.  We might say before Katrina hit this is how things  worked, but now..."  For myself I used to sleep like a rock before I had children, but after I sleep light as a feather.  Once you get "mommy ears" that's it.

Someone recently commented that my husband is, "different than he used to be."  Granted he has not had much contact with this person in over six years though he tried to stay in touch and had reached out to this person many times.  You know how it is though, we get used to seeing someone almost every day and it’s convenient, then suddenly they are no longer there.  People get busy and caught up in their own lives with work and family and friends who are still logistically close.  

Our family has gone through one of those mentioned life changing events, actually more than one we also moved over five hundred miles away from family and friends.  Other people forget, well that’s not a fair statement.  Our life changing event is not in the forefront of anyone else's mind but ours and that's the way it is.  It didn't happen to them their lives didn't change the way ours did and life goes on.  When you lose a loved one your family, friends, coworkers and so on all pause for a moment out of respect.  Those closest to you pause a little longer because they also feel the loss.  But eventually life does move on for those of us still walking the planet.  It just goes on a little differently for we who are grieving, especially when the grief is for a child.

To put it mildly grief hurts!  It hurts emotionally and spiritually and even physically.  It changes you, it changed me and Mark and my family.  We may look the same on the outside but we don't think or feel the same on the inside.  I know we don't act the same either and I won't apologize for any of it.  Of course things changed someone we love is no longer with us.  She wasn’t just someone we love; she was a friend, a best friend, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, queen of the one liners, a confidante, a beautiful creative funny part of our family.  We miss her and always will.

As hard as it is we do go on, but our path is altered.  There is no going back to the way we used to be even if we wanted to.  We move forward for the sake of each other and ourselves and to honor Madison.  We know that she would not want us to wallow in sadness and tears.  We know that she would want us to be happy and we are working on that.  In the beginning I didn’t think joy would ever be a part of my life again but little by little I learned to find it; in the beauty of a cardinal or the cuteness of a puppy or a smile on my other children’s faces.  I find joy when I hear Derric and Dallas laughing, now that is a sound Mark and I absolutely love to hear.

My sister Jennifer told me once not long after losing Madison that if I am feeling overwhelmed in depression to just go outside.  She told me to go outside and sit in nature and see what a beautiful world God has made.  She was right, and she should know she has lost two children in her life.  I took her advice and I think it is one of the reasons I like East Tennessee as much as I do.  I spent a fair amount of time our first year here sitting outside on our porch, more time than I usually do, enjoying the four seasons.  I would spend that time contemplating the beauty around me, the trees, birds, snow, fireflies, and an occasional glimpse of the mountains.

So has my husband changed?  The simple answer is yes; anyone who knows him, really knows him can’t help but have noticed the transformation over the last few years.  We have all changed.   Can you say that you’re the same person you were six years ago?  It doesn’t require a life altering event to see that people change a bit as the years go by.  Though we are no longer “happy go lucky” and the smiles don’t come as easily we are finding our happiness a moment at a time.  There will always be sadness that Madison isn't with us to share our lives.  The most difficult thing to do after losing my child was to find and experience joy.  I thought I would never experience that feeling again.  I’ll go out on a limb and say that the rest of my family probably felt that way too.  Maybe one day I’ll have a grandchild named Joy, then she will be more easily found!  :-)

This photo was taken a week before we lost our Madison.

Gratitude

Gratitude

Thessalonians 5:18  Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

I thank my good Lord everyday for all my family and all those I love.  I am heartily grateful for every one of them.  I am even grateful, eventually, for the things that don’t go my way.  All of the experiences in my life, all of the people who have touched my life for good or bad have helped make me who I am.  How I handle the good and bad that come my way helps me grow.  Sometimes I may shut down for a while after a bad experience, and sometimes I have a difficult time letting things go, but sooner or later I do.  Yes this is a bit contradictory to a recent post but we learn things from all our experiences, good and bad whether we realize it or not.  Sounds like psycho babble doesn’t it?  At times I think I am just trying to convince myself!  However, I write what I am feeling, sometimes the feeling is in the moment but usually deeply rooted.

I am grateful for everything, the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly.  I have known great love in my life and treasure it.  I know that I am truly blessed and I believe this is why I feel the loss of those I love so deeply.  I think this is true for everyone, the deeper the love the deeper the loss is felt.  And although I have lost people I love the love still exists the love stays with me; I will always love my parents and I will always love Madison.  My heart can be so full of that love that it aches.  I don’t know who I would be without knowing the love I have experienced and experience daily.  The losses in my life help me appreciate that love more and more every day. I have learned that though life is fragile real love is not.  Our love for one another and for God can be completely overwhelming, especially when you think about what some will do for those they love.  What wouldn’t a parent do for a child they love with all their heart?  What sacrifice would a husband or wife make for their spouse?  Think about the ultimate sacrifice that God made for us though we are undeserving..

I believe that gratitude and love go hand in hand.  If I am grateful I show it by how I treat others which is hopefully with love.  A simple thank you, while being appropriate and welcome feels hollow if actions and other words don’t come from love.  Trust me I do at time struggle with the, “other  words,” part.  It’s easy to lose my temper when things aren’t going the way I want or think they should.  Which explains a lot of why I was angry for so long after we lost Madison.  I thought we were taking care of her the way we were supposed to, but I forgot what I always knew.  Sometimes the answer to our prayers is, “no”, or maybe the answer was, “yes” but yes didn’t look the way I thought it would.  I am just grateful that Madison was in our lives for at least a little while.