The Importance of Being Danny

Just a couple of weeks before Christmas 2016 I brought Danny, our corgi to the vet.  It was time for his annual check up and I noticed his eye was red.  I took this opportunity to talk to the doctor about Danny drinking a lot of water, more than usual for the last few months.  First she addressed his eye which after a few days healed.  Her biggest concern was his over consumption of water.  He was tested for several things.  We found out that he has cushing’s disease.  

Danny is ten years old and belonged to Madison.  Before one of her surgeries she willed him to Derric should anything happen to her, so now technically he is Derric’s.  Cushing's disease is treatable, thank goodness, but before we knew this we were pretty concerned/upset.  You see while we still have Danny it’s like we still have a little bit of Madison with us here on earth.  She loved her dog so much.  This new development in his health has made us realize that he won’t be with us a whole lot longer.  The average lifespan of a Pembroke Welsh Corgi is twelve-fourteen years, and as I said he is ten years old.

Sometimes I think we love him as much as we do because of how much Madison loved him.  He is completely cute, however sometimes he can be quite the...butt!  He nips our heels if we run, he has knocked little kids over just to lick their ears.  We have all tripped over Danny numerous times because he is almost constantly under foot.  Also he used to relentlessly picked on our old poodle before we lost Boudreaux when he was eighteen years old.  He does have some endearing qualities too that make him lovable.  Danny looks like he is always smiling, and he is very goofy when he rolls all over the ground.  I have often found him sleeping on his back with his mouth opened.  Also, I swear sometimes he answers when we talk to him with a grunt, a growl or a groan.  Madison always talked about his expressive eyes and it’s true they are.  But his most endearing quality is like I said before, she loved him intensely and he was devoted to her.

When she was at school he used to sit by the door and wait for her a good part of the day.  He rarely left her side unless food was involved.  After we lost Madison he did still wait for her and look for her, especially after Dallas got home from school.  He would go to her room and sit by the door or the front door like usual.  Eventually, he realized she was not coming home. It was sad to watch him look and wait for her but just as sad when he stopped.  There are still times even over seven years later when he goes into her bedroom just to lay down.  I believe he remembers her.

We just had our eighth Christmas without our girl and are about to start a new year too.  I hope and pray Danny will be with us a few years more, after all cushing’s is treatable so I think he will.  He is goofy, silly, irritating, cute and very loud but we love him.  The importance of Danny being Danny is his link to our beloved Madison.

Seven Years

It’s been seven years since I touched your pretty face and held you in my arms.  Seven years since I kissed your soft cheek and heard your sweet voice.  It has been seven years since I’ve heard your distinct walk through the house and brushed your long brown hair.  We all still miss you and my heart still aches even though it’s been seven years.

There is no time limit to grief, I have learned this among other things in the last seven years.  I’ve learned I am stronger than I thought I was, and it’s ok to cry, even if it’s every day.  But not to live so long in the past that we give up the present and future.  I have learned how to talk about you my sweet Madison without my voice and hands shaking...well most of the time.  The hardest thing to learn was how to live without you.  The struggle is real and not just for me.  You left a hole so big that I don’t think you ever realized how much you would be missed and by so many.  I imagine that hole in my heart not filled, because nothing can ever do that but surrounded by sunflowers, one of your favorites.  

My heart will ache no matter how many years have gone by.  And I will always remember the softness of your touch, the way you called me, “mama,” and how very blue your eyes.  Eventually when I am old my memory may fade but my love for you never will.

Purpose

Purpose

We all at some point in our lives search for our purpose here on earth.  Not long ago I read a poem that one of Madison’s friends had written and at the end she said she found her purpose.  I began to wonder about my sweet child no longer with me.  What was Madison’s purpose?  I know we all have one whether we realize it or not, no matter how short or long our lives may be.  I really began to think about her time here and who she may have influenced that I didn’t know, or the lives she touched just by being herself.  I try to remember as many of our conversations as I can.  I remember her strong ideas and all the love she had to give and all of her hurts, emotionally and physically.  

What struck me at her funeral and at her memorial was how many of her friends called Madison their best friend.  That was such a wonderful thing to hear.  She apparently had the gift of making each of them feel special.  I know how much she loved and cared for each one of them.  Her friends helped her feel “normal.”  Madison strived be able to do as many of the same things as her friends could do.  But they knew her limitations and were very kind to her because they loved her too.

The interesting thing about Madison’s friends is how different they all are.  I believe she was the magnet that brought them all together.  I honestly don’t think some of them would have ever spent time together if not for Madison.  She had many gifts, her amazing heart being the best one.  There aren’t enough adjectives to say how much I miss her.

I know what her purpose was.

This is a photo of some of her best friends at the 8th grade dance 2007.

House Hunting

When we moved to Tennessee I know my children were not happy about it.  I tried to put everything in a positive light for them, especially when it came to house hunting.  We ran our poor real estate agent ragged but she was wonderful.  We looked at house after house after house; but I thought it was fun and tried to make it enjoyable for everyone.  We did most of our hunting during the spring and summer of 2009.  There were many days when on our own while Mark was at work, the kids and I would get in the car and just drive through different neighborhoods looking for house for sale signs and flyers.

I’ll never forget one particular day when the four of us (kids and I) were driving in a neighborhood near Choto Lane and we kept seeing chipmunks.  We were enthralled because we had never seen chipmunks in person.  We were having a lively conversation when Derric jokingly said something derogatory to Madison.  She being seated in the back seat with Dallas but behind him leaned forward with her long arms and fingers and wrapped her hands around Derric’s neck, playfully trying to strangle him.  I know, how is that playful?  Surrounded by pandemonium in the car as I drove through this neighborhood I can only imagine if anyone had seen us they were glad we were driving away.  It was funny but you had to be there to appreciate it.  Anyway, as Derric was laughing and yelling at Madison she was laughing and yelling at him for what he said.  Dallas was laughing at them both and I was doing my best to pay attention to the road.  Suddenly there was a moment of silence when Madison states or yells, “black chicken.”  Another moment of silence followed by all of us laughing and Madison pointing at, indeed a black chicken. Thankfully we were at a stop sign and able to take a real pause.  The chicken caught her eye through all the chaos in the car and everything else was forgotten.  We were a little surprised, but thought it cool that in this very nice neighborhood someone kept chickens and she had never seen a black chicken in person.

We talked and laughed about that day for many weeks and every time I hear someone say the name Choto Lane I think of that day laughing with my kids while we house hunted and those adorable little chipmunks and that awesome black chicken.  It’s these little crazy silly moments that bring a smile to my face and that I miss so much.  I thank God everyday for these wonderful memories.

Madison and Chip.

Perspective

Perspective is everything.  I lost my perspective for a long time after losing Madison.  My perspective was not perfect before we lost her either.  I realize I was very focused on Madison for a few years before we lost her, probably to the detriment of Derric and Dallas.  Madison’s last few years were not easy ones.  Her health was more fragile she had more surgeries and they were extremely complicated and serious surgeries.  So yes I was very focused on keeping one of my children healthy and alive.  I know now that I neglected my other children’s needs to an extent.  I don’t mean they went without their physical needs like food, clothing, a place to live or missing school.  I mean it was hard to be completely there emotionally for them, and sometimes I had to miss field trips or couldn’t help with school work or projects or things of that nature so that I could care for Madison.  Those things may sound trivial but to a child they are very important and can take a toll.  I probably should have shared more of my concerns with Derric and Dallas so that they could have understood more of what was going on. I didn’t want to scare them, because I myself was.  Maybe they could feel it but didn’t know what it was.  Because Derric was older I did actually share a little more with him than Dallas, I thought she was too young to have such heavy thoughts weighing on her.  I probably underestimated her ability to handle the deep emotions that come when someone you love is seriously ill.  We talked about Madison’s condition but usually in a positive tone, or as I see it now arrogance.  We thought, “we got this.”  I won’t rehash that.

After Madison died I was angry that God didn’t answer my prayers they way I wanted.  I was angry that my child was gone and that there were so many “bad” people in this world still alive.  I lost empathy and sympathy for others.  I was living in my own pity party.  Yes all the why’s and how could You thoughts flooded my head.  If I talked with someone and they had a complaint, in my head I would think, well at least you still have all your children or really you think that’s bad.  I know it is a horrible thing to think.  At that point I didn’t care.

I don’t know exactly how long it took me to get out of that funk, it was a slow process, but I thank God that I did.  By then it was too late for me to really connect with Dallas.  I made attempts while in my funk but they were not well received, understandably so.  I felt for a long time like I was losing her too.  Now six years and almost seven months later I know I haven’t lost her and my perspective is much better.  I think her perspective is better too.

Now I wake up every morning thankful for my God, my family, friends, everything.  My empathy is stronger than ever and I’m glad to be alive. I am happy to get to be with the ones I love and to know that my Madison is in heaven gives my comfort.  I have a peace in my life that I have never really had before.  No my life is not perfect, far from it.  I have decided on a new perspective.  I have decided to choose to try to be happy every day, no I don’t always succeed but I try and if I worry or am angry it is usually very short lived.  I try not to let myself dwell on negative thoughts, and I try not to speak negatively.  Do I always succeed in this?  Of course not, I am an imperfect person and I am okay with that.  I remember that I have the gift of self discipline and make every effort to use it, this is very important when the negative thoughts creep into my head.  I choose happiness and gratitude!

Yes I lost Madison, but Derric and Dallas are still here with me and I love them so much.  I have a husband and family that love me and I love them.  I have my health and my husband and children are healthy too and I have friends that I can talk to.  I have a nice home a dependable car a flexible job and and great coworkers and bosses.  I think Madison would be proud of the person I have become.  I am stronger spiritually, emotionally and physically too.  My goal in life is to be the best person I can be and to help my children be the best people they can be so that one day we will all be together again with Madison and all of our other loved ones in heaven.  Thank you God.

I Wonder

I often wonder what would Madison be up to and into if she were still with us today.  I know, I know, it seems like dwelling on what I don’t have, but I don’t dwell...I wonder.

I wonder if Madison would be making a living with her crafts on ETSY or maybe her own website.  She sometimes wondered what she could do to, “earn her keep.”

I wonder if she would have her own blog about her life with having Marfan’s Syndrome, or just her life in general.  Our normal was usually very different from other people’s normal.  I know that no one has the same life experiences but when there is a special needs child in the family life is not like your neighbors in many ways.  That is why we tried to make as many good memories as possible because sometimes our normal was the hospital or lots of doctor visits.

I wonder what the rest of us would be doing now if Madison were still here.  

I wonder what she would think of the choices each of us has made in the past six and a half years.

I do know that Madison had a lot of love in her heart for her family and friends.

I know that she believed in God.  And even though the answer to our prayers wasn’t the answer we wanted I know she would not want us to lose hope or faith in our Creator.

I know I miss her every single minute of every single day.

I know that today Madison would have been twenty three years old.

Most of all I know that Madison is in heaven and one day I will see her again.

Happy Birthday sweet girl!

"Hope is a Good Thing"

“Hope is a good thing,” a quote from The Shawshank Redemption by Stephen King, and my motto for life, at least one of them.  After my last post I started thinking about that motto and this blog.  I said in a past post that this blog is my way to let everyone who reads it get to know Madison, it's my memory, my venting and my journal too.  But I realized that I don’t just write it for selfish reasons.  I also want to give hope to others going through similar emotions after the loss of a child or loved one.  

I hope people will come to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s just a pin prick of light.  Those incredibly dark days at the beginning of our grief journey do lighten, it may take a long time but eventually it happens.  There is no time table on grief.  The weight of the ache and pain does lessen, even if it never goes away.  I believe our/my responsibility to Madison is to learn to live a good and productive life while not forgetting her.  

She inspired me in so many ways that it would be a disservice to her memory not to live in a way she would be proud.  She inspired me to recycle so I do.  She inspired me to be more accepting of people who are different, so I am and I try.  I admit that this has been an evolving thing in my life.  I try to remember that everyone has something they are struggling with everyday.  This helps me not to judge too harshly or to change my mind when I do.  She taught me that pain is relative.  When I have a back ache or some other thing that may be uncomfortable I remember that my child lived in real physical pain every single day of her life especially for the last few years.  She taught me that people who are in wheelchairs don’t like to be stared at.  She used to say, “mom, why can’t they just say hello instead of staring at me?.”  I work with children because Madison loved little kids.  She said they never judged her or looked at her funny, they just wanted to play.  That's why I now work with young kids, they are the embodiment of unconditional love.

So for those of you who read my blog, whether friend or stranger, I hope this helps you in some small way.  I hope that it helps put your own life in perspective.  I hope if you have lost a child or loved one you will know that there is hope for your future. Even without the loved one who is lost, you don’t have to remain lost yourself.  The challenge is not to fill the hole in your heart and life, because I believe that is impossible, the challenge is to learn to live with it there.  I have learned that difficult thing and there are times when the wound feels quite fresh.  But as time goes by I recover from those moments more quickly.  

I cling to my hope and the love I have for Madison and the rest of my family.  I believe we get strength from from one another and watching and encouraging each other's steps forward.  I think we also get strength from Madison’s memory.  We have hope and it is a good thing!

"Get busy living or get busy dying"

I went back to work in September after being gone for six months.  A co-worker was setting up photos of all the teachers with a little information about each including their motto for life.  When she asked me my motto I had no idea what to say, so she asked me to think about it and let her know.  My first thought was great, now I have to think about my life!  But that turned out to be a good thing.

Seeing how I work at a daycare I knew I would have to keep it light and positive.  My first couple of ideas were sarcastic and negative.  Then I remembered a line from the movie Shawshank Redemption (no I didn’t read the novella), “hope is a good thing.”  I thought to myself I do have hope again.  After we lost Madison I lost most of my hope but I can now say it is back.  When I told Derric I decided to choose a line from that movie he thought I was going to use, “get busy living or get busy dying.”  I laughed and thought it would be funny but decided to keep it short and sweet and something I wouldn’t have to explain.

However when I look back on my journey of where I was in late 2009 to where I am now, that motto fits my life also.  After losing Madison I wanted to “get busy dying.”  I used to have some pretty dark thoughts, not about hurting myself because in my heart I felt that would not bring me to Madison but further away.  I won’t voice those dark thoughts because they don’t exist any more, thank God.  And that is who I give the credit to for bringing me out of the dark place.  After a long time hope grew inside of me with the help of prayer and family and grief therapy.  As hope grew I decided to “get busy living.”

Honestly I feel the motto, “get busy living or get busy dying,” fits my family too.  We are all doing so much better now.  I feel like we all have more hope in each of our lives, and we all are more able to move forward.  I am positive that, “hope is a good thing.”