Begin another year

So, we begin another year without our Madison. It’s still so unreal that she isn’t here, another year of holidays without her. She loved Halloween and Christmas best of all. In late September 2009 Madison and I had gone to Hobby Lobby and saw all the Christmas decorations going up next to the Halloween. She was excited to see them all. She couldn’t wait to decorate a little Christmas tree for her bedroom. Murray and Brooke got it for her after her heart surgery in Baltimore, December 2008.

That day in the store she was happy to find ornaments in all the colors that she wanted, colors that complimented the bright green we painted her room. My poor baby never got to decorate it so Dallas and I did it for her. It was beautiful and will go up every year in her bedroom.

This was her favorite time of year. She loved the change of weather for a lot of reasons. The cooler weather made it easier for her to spend time outside. She got tired so fast and the heat would drain her to the point that she never wanted to be outside. She loved the promise of what was to come…Halloween then Thanksgiving and Christmas. She loved giving her friends gifts, and all the yummy holiday food and candy. You wouldn’t know it to look at her but Madison had a very healthy appetite. She would try any food she was given and more often then not enjoyed it. We miss our girl so very much. Time doesn’t heal all wounds.

Time

Embrace the feeling of time standing still. That one emotion that builds and it just builds. You can’t hold it in much longer; you think that you have to be stronger. When you couldn’t be wronger.

When people try to help, you just keep going straight through; because you don’t know if it’s true. Won’t let anyone try to help you.

Embrace the feeling of life, as it is, that building emotion, you know what it is. You have to be true to yourself, because until then you can’t help anyone else.

You have to be true to you. You need to express your feelings so you can find their true meanings.

Life

So, Dallas came home from school yesterday and told me about a conversation she had with a friend of hers. Until this year they hadn’t really known each other very well. This friend, Katherine told Dallas that her sister, Elizabeth knew Madison; they had a couple of classes together last year and talked. She said that she really liked Madison and thought she was funny. Elizabeth was very sad when she heard that Madison had died.

About 5 minutes after Dallas told me this story I started to cry, almost sob. I was glad that someone here in Knoxville got to know her a little. I know that there were a couple of girls she was starting to make friends with, and that another very nice girl helped her everyday. They had lunch everyday together and talked. I’m sure there was more than one person at Madison’s school who was sad that she died. It was just nice to hear about it so unexpectedly. I’m so glad Katherine told Dallas this story.

I know all of Madison’s friends in Louisiana miss her very much, we all do. Sometimes it’s just too much to bear. I guess I need to follow Madison's advice, no matter how hard.

Life

Life is crazy, life is sad, and every once in a while it’s going to make you mad.

But you just got to keep going on, you just got to keep going, flowing, rolling with the punches. Take what you get and get what you take. And try your hardest not to break or fall apart, but if you do then you just got to keep going on. And you just got to keep it strong because life’s tough, life’s hard. Start getting it together ‘cause that’s the only way it’s going to get any better.

Because life’s crazy, life’s sad and more than likely it’s going to make you mad.

By Madison

What we used to be

What we used to be

You tell me what to do, you tell me what to say, I’m startin to think you only want things your way. But that’s not fair and that’s not right, and if you don’t think I’ll put up a fight, well then what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you acting this way? How dare you think you can treat me this way and still expect me to stay around. How dare you think you control my life. I have enough pain and strife without you screwing things up. My life is tough enough.

You tell me I’m difficult, you say I don’t listen, why are you doing this to me? Where did it all go wrong? What the hell is wrong with us? What has gotten into us? Why are we acting this way? How dare you think you can treat me this way, and still expect me to stay around. How dare you think you control my life. I have enough pain and strife without you screwing things up. So do me a favor and just shut up.

I think it’s better if we go our separate ways, ‘cause you’re not what I thought you were and I’m not what you wanted, you’ve made that pretty clear. So I think it best if we part my dear. Well now I know what’s wrong with us, when push came to shove we weren’t strong enough to stay and that’s why it’s best if we go our separate ways. But a part of you will still remain with me. This will remain a testament to what we used to be.

I think Madison wrote the poem above sometime in the 8th grade. She had such insight, it still blows my mind. I find myself everyday thinking what would Madison have said or done in different situations. Madison never pretended to be anything else other than who she was. If someone had unrealistic expectaions of Madison she made her opinion known. She really felt like why waste time pretending to be something you're not because the truth will always be found out in the long run. She was very mature for her age but had fun being a kid.

She loved her babydolls for a long time. She loved coloring. She loved her stuffed animals till the day she left us. She loved being in Disney and seeing the characters. However she also loved Lifetime original movies, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Vampire Diaries, That 70's Show, sewing, drawing, painting, jewlery making, knitting, and her friends and her family.

We love and miss her everyday. Life is so different without Madison in it.

One Year

One year ago today was a good day…until it wasn’t. One year ago today was a beautiful day…until it wasn’t.

The day started out like most others. Dallas went to school, Mark to work. Madison’s homebound teacher gave her a math lesson. I took her to the doctor and he said she was fine. We picked up lunch then went to the grocery. That evening we ate dinner and watched some TV. It started to rain.

Why didn’t I know something was wrong? Why didn’t she know until it was too late? Why did we only have 16 ½ years together?

When Madison was 9 years old her cardiologist, Dr. Stopa said that when he started treating Madison he had not expected her to live as long as she had. He said her heart was not perfect but, “it’s a strong little heart and it just keeps on pumping.” It was hard to hear that he had not thought she would live so long. When I think about it now I wonder, was she living on borrowed time? I’m not sure I even know what that expression means really. Borrowed time, aren’t we all on borrowed time? None of us will be on this earth forever. But why are some here for such a brief time?

One year ago today I lost one of my precious children, my Madison. We miss everything about her, her amazing sense of humor, her wise cracks, her laugh, her thumping footsteps and her big hugs. There’s too much to list, everyone who loved her misses her every minute of every day.

One year ago today was the worst day of my life.

Have the Wish

I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I make tonight. I wish I could see you again, I miss you everyday. I see you way up there and wonder away, I wonder why He made you leave. I love you very much.

I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I make tonight. I wish I could see you again because you were like my best friend. I miss you more than ever. I long for the day when we can be together, forever and ever.

By Madison Boudreaux

(I think she wrote this after PawPaw died in May 2007)

Madison & Dallas

The relationship between my 2 daughters Madison and Dallas was like most sisters close in age…hot and cold. There were times when they were the best of friends and completely enjoyed each other’s company. Like the time they zipped their jackets together while we were at the French Quarter Festival because they were bored listening to Dixieland Jazz. They were there for each other when one got hurt. I’ll never forget when a little girl was mean to Dallas at school Madison was very angry. She said, “no one can pick on my little sister but me!” One time Madison fell and cut her knee while they were coming home from a friend’s house. Dallas helped Madison to our neighbor’s house that they were near to get help.

Then there were times when they would literally be at each other’s throats. I can remember hearing Madison scream, “I’m gonna strangle you!” Madison had very long arms and her slender hands were stronger that you would think. I had to physically get between them to stop the fight. Dallas did her share of antagonizing, actually quite a bit of it, but I can laugh about it now.

I know it wasn’t easy for Dallas watching her get a lot of attention because Madison was often sick. She would have given anything not to be sick and needing that kind of attention. I know they truly loved each other though; they were often very caring and loving to one another when they didn’t think anyone was watching. Dallas misses her sister very much, we all do. I would give anything to hear them fighting, or laughing together again.

The house is so quiet now. It’s been quite an adjustment for all of us. I know it’s hard for Dallas not having her sister here to talk to and hang out with. She probably even misses the fights too. I know from experience that the fights would have stopped and the friendship last forever. I don’t know what I would have done this past year without the love and support from my sisters. Thank you, Jennifer, Vickie and Cynthia for letting me talk, vent and cry on your shoulders.

Memorial

At Madison’s memorial, some of her friends got up to talk about their experiences. Some of their stories were funny, some were sad and some were a little crazy. All of the stories were told with love. She knew Sean the longest of all her friends, since they were 5 years old, they were like brother and sister. Madison and Sean shared the bond of being physically disabled. They understood the reality of physical pain, the fear of surgery and the emotional pain of not being able to do what other kids can. But as they got older Madison and Sean made great friends who did all they could to include them, and in Sean’s case they still do. The love that Madison’s friends feel for her is such a comfort. To know that people who loved her almost always surrounded her is a wonderful thing.

Sean told a funny story about Madison bopping him on the head when he would say certain things. I think he would say crazy stuff just to aggravate her, knowing she would give him a, “love tap,” that’s what he called it. After the memorial a former friend of mine came up to me and said, “Madison was a hitter, I didn’t know she was a hitter.” Of all the wonderful stories of love and kindness and acceptance, this woman latched on to that. I was stunned that she would say this to me, and in the tone that she did. It was that moment I wished I had Madison’s amazing ability to have the perfect comeback. Of coarse I didn’t quite know what to say, so I let it slide, but obviously it has bothered me ever since.

What would I say to this former friend now? “How dare you make assumptions about my daughter? You didn’t even know her.” I know, still not the perfect comeback, but I have decided her judgments don’t matter. We who were blessed to have known Madison, know that she was more than just a girl who gave one of her very best friends’ “love taps.” As her friends put on a special picture board, Madison was, “a totally awesome friend.”

Mardi Gras Ball

When Madison was in kindergarten she went to Oaks Montessori School. Every year they had a Mardi Gras ball and chose a king, queen and court. That year Madison was chosen as Queen of the Mardi Gras ball. Derric was in 3^rd grade and chosen to be a duke. She was very excited, we all were. My mom made her a beautiful dress of red satin and white tulle. She put shinny red hearts in the tulle and made her a wreath of red hearts to wear on her head. She looked very pretty in her dress. When she walked out onto the middle of the floor with the king she was smiling so big yet seemed a little shy about it all. After the court was introduced the king and queen danced for about 30 seconds then Madison danced with her daddy. That was her first official father daughter dance, her only. She danced with her daddy and papaw at weddings but that was her only real father daughter dance and I didn’t realize it until I typed it just now. She was only 5 years old. I still have the dress. I miss you baby.

Free Will

The summer that Madison was 7 years old, one night while taking a bath she didn’t want to wash her hair. With one last attempt to get her way she shouted, “we have free will here!” After we both stopped laughing I washed her hair. She was definitely paying attention during religion class…in the first grade.

Madison was a person who was just naturally funny. She had such a quick wit. I wish I had written down all the incredible things that came out of my girl’s mouth. She made me laugh absolutely every day. One of my favorite things is listening to my kids laugh. I miss hearing Madison’s laugh. But it makes me so happy when I hear Derric and Dallas laughing. I’ll never forget how she called Derric, “boy,” until she could say his name; or how she used to smile and pet Dallas as she lay in her basinet. I love my kids so much.

I’m so glad I told Madison everyday, “I love you.” I’ve always told my kids’ everyday that I love them. I want them to know even when we don’t agree I love them. Madison used to tell me in a singsong way, “I love ya mommy, you’re the best mommy in the world.” After she died I didn’t feel like the, “best mommy in the world.” I felt like a failure.

I know that Madison forgives me for my mistakes as a mom, her heart may not have been strong but it was so full of love and forgiveness. As the 11 month anniversary draws near I don’t constantly run the, what if game in my head any more. But it creeps in every now and then. My amazing daughter, I imagine is now watching over her amazing brother and sister, Derric and Dallas. Everyday I wonder what would Madison say?

"Did You Ever?"

God how I miss you; I miss everything about you. I miss the funny things you used to say, and the way your beautiful thick brown hair hung over your left eye. I miss your hamster dance and the way your long soft fingers felt on my face. I miss the arguments between you and Dallas and watching you snuggle Danny. I miss our conversations about anything, everything and nothing. I know you needed me but did you ever think that I needed you too? It is so lonely here without you. I miss the way our family used to be when you were here, complete.

My dear girl, I know that you had more than your share of pain in the 16 years that you were here. I did my best to relieve it; I just wish it had been enough. I know that your pain is gone now. I just wish that we could have had more time with you. I hope you don’t mind that I’m sharing your poems. I love you forever, mama.

Did you ever?

Did you ever wish that you were like the others in your life? Did you ever wish that your life weren’t filled with so much pain and strife? Did you ever try to wish away the tears? Did you ever try to run away? Did you shut everyone out ‘cause you figure they don’t care? Do you hide the pain inside and pretend it’s just not there?

Everyone has secrets and everyone has pain but most of us don’t show it. In the most simplistic ways we all know what it’s like to have pain deep down inside whether physical, emotional or mental. We all try to ignore it and forget it’s in our life, but deep down you know your scared ‘cause in some way you’re impaired; and most of the time that information is hardly or never shared.

Did you ever think that maybe it’s our differences that make us the same?

By Madison Boudreaux

Vacation

We used to joke around and say that Baby Grandpa was on an extended vacation after he died. He would be traveling in Europe or Asia or maybe even Australia. After Pawpaw passed away (quite a few months after) we would say they were traveling together. I know it sounds morbid, but I guess that’s how we cope; laughter instead of tears. Well I hope there will be less tears. So I decided to look up the definition of the word vacation.

Vacation – 1. an extended period of recreation especially away from home or in traveling.

2. the action of leaving something one previously occupied.

I hope to be able to be able to think of you and not want to always cry. I love the idea of in your heaven you are traveling with family too. After all, you did leave a place that you previously occupied.

We recently went to one of your favorite places, Disney. It just wasn’t the same, will anything be? Of coarse not. Finding our/my new normal has been difficult to say the least. What is normal anyway?

I miss you more than I can say. I hope your heaven is all that you could ever want, whether it’s traveling or laying on the sofa watching That 70’s Show with a puppy on your lap, and eating salt & vinegar potato chips. I love you baby, with all my heart!

"You're Not Alone"

Madison always had a strong faith in God, stronger than even I realized, until I found her writings. She always walked to the beat of a different drummer. We never pushed her or any of our kids to conform and she took that philosophy to heart. Her favorite shirt had skull & cross bones wearing pink bows. She was sarcastic and very dry in her sense of humor and wit. Not many people knew of her strong faith but her generosity and love was evident. She always prayed for God to relieve her pain. I did too; I just wish He had let her stay with me. My poor baby suffered too long. When I read her poems I know there is only one place she can be right now, in heaven and feeling no pain.

You’re not Alone

When things don’t go your way again and again, and you feel like every time you pray your just wasting time and air. You want to scream and you want to cry. You want to find a place to go and hide away ‘cause you feel like nothing’s going your way; and you feel like you have no place safe to stay.

You always feel lonely in a crowded room. You feel as if your life is flying past you. You want to go back but you know you can’t. You’re struggling just looking for a helping hand. You feel as if all hope is gone, like there is no way to keep going strong.

But you know, you’re not alone. There’s always someone to protect you, a little angel sent to help you. It just goes to show you’re never truly alone. Angels hear you crying from above, they want to hold you and wrap you in God’s endless love.

You’ve always got a friend. Someone to help you pick up again, ‘cause God wants you to know you’re never alone. No you’re never alone, you’re never truly alone, never alone.

"This is My Life"

Two days after Madison passed away, I found some of the poems and songs that she had written over the years. They are beautiful, haunting, prophetic and sad. It was obvious that she mostly wrote when she was sad which makes me glad that I only found about 25 not 250. I wanted to share her beautiful poems with everyone who loved her, so I had my mission. I decided just days after finding the first few poems that I would find them all and create a book called Madison’s Gift. The process of reading these poems was at times gut wrenching, but I typed them all out and have started the process of getting them published. I’d like to share some of her poems here. I’ll be posting them one at a time. I hope you like them.

This is my Life

My life can be unbearable and in no way am I normal. I’m just a girl living in a cruel vindictive world. It hurts to be so strong; sometimes my pain feels like I won’t survive. It feels wrong to be so young with so much strife, but that, that is my life.

No one knows the pain inside, I feel like no one cares, and more than anything I hate when people stare. They look at me with sorrow, there’s pity in their eyes, and what I want to say to them I cover with a smile. It hurts to be so strong; sometimes my pain feels like I won’t survive. It feels wrong to be so young with so much strife, but that, that is my life.

Pain will never leave us, not until we die. With out pain there would be no love or life. Don’t ever let it consume you. Don’t let your pain rule you. Yes it’s hard to be so strong sometimes, but don’t let it keep you from living your life! Yes I know it’s wrong and I know it’s unfair and I know it’s a huge burden to bear.

I know this is true, trust me I know it’s not fair. Just don’t let it rule you, don’t you ever let it consume you, ‘cause this is not my life. No this won’t be my life.

Her bicycle

Madison was born with Marfan syndrome, a connective tissue disorder. www.marfan.org Mark new it from the beginning. I didn’t want to believe it until a doctor could confirm it, but deep down I knew it was true. That confirmation came just days before her 1st Christmas, she was only 8 months old. And so it began, regular visits to the cardiologist, orthopedic, pulmonologist, opthamologist, and at odd time other specialists to answer questions that the others couldn’t. We were determined to stay on top of any issue that would come up, and for a long time we did. She had some pain pretty regularly from the time she was in 2nd grade. We were able to manage it pretty well though. The pain didn’t really slow her down until she was in about 5th grade. That’s when she started using a wheel chair if we were going someplace that required a lot of walking. Then she began to need it at school to get to the cafeteria or church. Each year she needed a little more.

Madison hated being left behind. She hated feeling like she couldn’t keep up. When she was 8 Santa brought her very first bike. It was an adult 3-wheeled bicycle. Her cardiologist said absolutely no to a 2-wheeled bike but he said, “OK” to the 3-wheeled. The excitement on her face was all I needed that Christmas. She told my mom, “Granny I feel free ‘cause I can go fast!” For the first time she was able to keep up with the other kids. She used to let her little sister Dallas ride in the basket. When they got a bit older Dallas used to give Madison rides. Even though she loved it, as her pain grew she rode her bike less and less. She developed other interests, like jewelry making and knitting (with a knitting machine), and reading. These didn’t require as much energy. But she did love that bike.

Tiny Things

From the time Madison was a baby she had a fascination with tiny objects. The first time we let her choose a toy from a toy store she was about 3 yrs old and picked up a little plastic pride rock from the movie, “Lion King.” I’ll never forget how adamant she was, that’s the only thing she wanted. It was all of $2.99 on sale, which made me happy. Pride rock is about 3 inches tall and opens up, inside were 3 tiny figurines about 1 inch tall of Mufasa, Simba & Nala. Madison played with this toy sometimes for hours in a day, and she had it for years. She would carry it with her where ever she went. She would take out the little characters & talk to them & make them have conversations. When she ate they ate, when she slept so would they. We may still have it in a box in the garage. I plan on consolidating all the stuffed animals & toys; yes I said toys, she couldn’t part with them when we moved to TN. I couldn’t possibly part with them now.

I can’t part with any of her favorite things, even if I wanted her to get rid of some stuff before the move. It’s been hard enough to cope with parting from her. Most everything in her room is just how she had it the day she left. She liked to rotate her stuffed animals. She has so many that they don’t all have a place to sit when out. We had just rotated them 2 days before. There is a box in her closet filled with her favorite stuffed animals. She has 3 of her very favorites with her, an owl, a kitty and a dog. God how I miss my sweet girl!

Introduction

April 16, 2010

Madison Blaire Boudreaux was one of the most amazing people I have ever known. I am so blessed to say that I am her mom. She came into our lives April 10, 1993 and left us October 9, 2009. Our lives will never be the same. She made an impression on everyone who took the time to get to know her.

This blog is dedicated to Madison's memory, her family, friends and everyone who loved her. As long as we remember how sweet, silly, feisty, loving, generous, kind and accepting she was part of her will always be with us.

Some of the stories I tell will be familiar, some will not. I hope you will better understand Madison and why she was so awesome, and realize that she has friends that are just as awesome.

Till next time,

Yvette