Free Will

The summer that Madison was 7 years old, one night while taking a bath she didn’t want to wash her hair. With one last attempt to get her way she shouted, “we have free will here!” After we both stopped laughing I washed her hair. She was definitely paying attention during religion class…in the first grade.

Madison was a person who was just naturally funny. She had such a quick wit. I wish I had written down all the incredible things that came out of my girl’s mouth. She made me laugh absolutely every day. One of my favorite things is listening to my kids laugh. I miss hearing Madison’s laugh. But it makes me so happy when I hear Derric and Dallas laughing. I’ll never forget how she called Derric, “boy,” until she could say his name; or how she used to smile and pet Dallas as she lay in her basinet. I love my kids so much.

I’m so glad I told Madison everyday, “I love you.” I’ve always told my kids’ everyday that I love them. I want them to know even when we don’t agree I love them. Madison used to tell me in a singsong way, “I love ya mommy, you’re the best mommy in the world.” After she died I didn’t feel like the, “best mommy in the world.” I felt like a failure.

I know that Madison forgives me for my mistakes as a mom, her heart may not have been strong but it was so full of love and forgiveness. As the 11 month anniversary draws near I don’t constantly run the, what if game in my head any more. But it creeps in every now and then. My amazing daughter, I imagine is now watching over her amazing brother and sister, Derric and Dallas. Everyday I wonder what would Madison say?