"Let
him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her."
John: 8
This
blog is a memory, a diary, a confessional and therapy for me. I open my heart
to share the memories I hold of life before and after my greatest loss.
Some of these memories are very dear and some are quite painful, but I feel the
need to express them. This particular post begins with a smooth black
stone. Mark handed me this stone one afternoon when I was feeling
especially defeated. He said, "hand this to anyone who thinks they have
the right to throw it."
I
don't claim to be perfect, I have made and make mistakes, daily; and I hope not
to be judged too harshly for them. Those that do judge, I ask if they
would like to walk just one day in my shoes? I know we all have our
hardships and difficult life experiences but to trade for a day would maybe
give me one where I don't have to live with the fact that Madison is dead; that
Dallas watched helplessly as it happened and her parents fell apart; that she
lost her best friend and confidante. I wouldn't have had to call Derric and
tell him his sister was gone while he was over five hundred miles away.
The pain was unbearable but I did bear it, we all did in our own imperfect
ways.
To be
able to forget those terrible things for one day may give a moments rest, but I
wouldn't trade my life or family for anything. I have shared a life that
is beautiful in its simplicity. Yes it is a simple life, mostly, that I
lead because that's how I want it and that is what helps me feel closer to my
God. I would never trade one day, even if I could because that would be
an insult. I can't forget and won't deny my life experiences; for better
or worse they are what make me who I am.
Some
people may see my mistakes as catastrophic or disastrous. I may be seen
as weak, a push over or stupid. There are those who may call me
unreasonable or crazy. None of these descriptions faze me. I know
myself, and the temperament God has granted me. I don't always have the
right answer but I am usually methodical in getting to the solution. Slow and
steady, that's how I try to be. I try not to speak without thinking, though it
has been known to happen. I will not rashly make decisions or follow advice
until I see how it will work in my life and family. One "fix"
does not fit all.
Life
is filled with trial and error. Some people are blessed to be able to learn
from the mistakes of others. Some of us must learn from our own; then there are
those who never seem to learn. I pray that I am in the first category, but am
probably a combination of the three; it's my opinion that our human nature
makes most of us that way. I think we all have some aspects of our lives
however that seem to repeat as on a loop. If we're lucky those moments
are few.
My
flaws make me grateful for the people who remain. I know heavy emotions
can affect what we do and say at any given moment. When feeling defeated and
like I have failed, that smooth black stone comes to mind. On days when I have
a "high and mighty" moment, again I think of that stone and am quick
to get over myself. I try to remember that everyone has something they
find difficult to handle. I know I've said some harsh and unkind things while
feeling stressed. I could never throw that stone and don't know anyone who
could.
I live
every day with the decisions I've made in my life, good and bad. It took me a
long time to start forgiving myself for the mistakes. I'm not completely there
yet but I've made some progress. So if the choices I make don't seem
sensible to others, that's okay. They only have to make sense for my family and
me.
