Madison's Gift: May 2015

It is overwhelming to me when I allow myself to think on the losses I have had throughout my life. Mothers day has just passed and it has been a difficult day for me for many years. On this day I pulled out some photo albums and reminisced with myself about what was. I was looking for a good photo of my own mother and maybe one with Madison in the same picture. Many of my Facebook friends were posting pictures of their mothers and I thought I would too, but I didn't. I was fine for a little while then came across pictures of my uncle, then my father-in-law, there were also some of my niece too and my husband's grandfather. I didn't go far enough back see photos of my dad but he came to mind as well. I know other people have lost family members and I'm not trying to diminish another's loss. I just feel like I've been losing people I love for so long, starting at the age of four. Sometimes I'll think to myself, “Why?” That is the ultimate question, not just why do people die but why do some die so young?

I've heard the saying about the silver lining my whole life. I also have heard it said that God will bring good out of bad things. But for the life of me I can't see how the death of one who is so loved or so young can bring something good. The death of my father brought misery, fear and poverty to my mother and sisters and me. Yes my mother became a stronger person but she already was strong even if she didn't feel so. The death of my daughter brought depression, doubt, misery and fierce rebellion. Yes I now speak up more than I used to but that process had already begun. What good came out of these deaths, these tragedies? Where is the silver lining in these two very dark clouds? Yes I guess I'm still a little angry.

I was brought up Catholic and one of the things I remember from Catechism class is that we are not to question God. I think the teachers got it wrong. It is my opinion that God welcomes the questions. How else will we learn? How else can we grow in life and in our love of God? I hear often that God wants a relationship with us. Well, I ask my friends questions all the time, that is how we get to know each other. I realize many of the questions I ask won't be answered in my lifetime, but I can still ask them and not have to confess that I questioned God! So I ask, why was my dad taken so young? Why did two of my nieces die so young? And why did Madison go so young? I used to pray for a miracle of healing for her, I hoped and prayed for her life to be an example of God's healing power. I just want to hold my daughter again. I want Madison to tell her siblings everything is going to be okay. I want her to tell them God does hear our prayers I want, I want, I want! I often think the miracle is that I didn't lose my faith in God after losing Madison. Now I admit my faith was shaken for some time but it never went away and now it grows.

Great loss of any kind usually brings up the question, “Why?” It's a natural response, especially when what is lost is a loved one. I lost my beloved maternal grandmother when I was four years old, at six my niece and shortly after an aunt, my father just two years later at eight. My mother's best friend whom I loved like an aunt passed away when I was about ten. Years later an uncle, then one of my brother's-in-law, then another niece, also my husband's grandparents, then my mom, then my father-in-law then another uncle, and of coarse my Madison. I honestly think the death of Madison could not have been borne by my mother; another woman who experienced great loss throughout her life. This list seems put here so coldly, but I assure you I loved and cared for each one of these people who touched my life and while all of these losses were hard some were devastating. It is very difficult to think of them and not be emotional. So as I reminisced over my photo albums I thought of all these lovely people and felt so sad. I don't usually allow myself to dwell on all of my losses because like I said its overwhelming, as I think it should be when you have loved and lost many times over.