Four Years

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Time, it is an interesting concept.  According to my computer’s dictionary it is in part, “the indefinite continued progress of existence.”

In some situations that “continued progress” seems to move very quickly, in others very slowly.  The saying, "time flies when you're having fun," often feels true.  There never seems to be enough time to do the things we love to do.  We all know however that time neither speeds up nor slows down; it is just always the same.  Derric once asked Mark, “Dad, is your minute as long as moms?” I guess that’s where the relativity thing comes in.

An hour can feel like forever when sitting in a boring class.  Three months seem to fly during summer break. Two years is a short time to be married.  Four years is a short time to be on this earth.  Four years of high school and if you’re lucky only four years of college.  Four years per term in office for most politicians, depending on the person this could feel too short or way too long.  And every four years we get an extra day.

To me four years of time gone by feels so incredibly long.  That's how long we've been without our girl Madison.  She departed this world for her next "great adventure" four years ago tonight.  Four years ago my family was whole and intact.  Until that night I thought I knew generally, what my future held.  The last four years have been a roller coaster with more downs than ups.  I am thankful for the ups and am glad to say that the downs don't last as long as they used to.  They aren't as frequent either.

I don't hide from my down days; I don't feel guilty for having them either.  They feel necessary, and sometimes comforting.  That may sound odd, but I'm OK with odd.  Sometimes my down times are really just a moment of the day, or maybe an hour, sometimes the whole day or more, but thankfully rarely more.

The saying, "time heals all wounds," to me is a lie.  As time passes, whether slowly or quickly, things will change.  Yes, some things may heal, a scraped knee, hurt feelings or a broken friendship.  Healing from the death of a child in my opinion is impossible.  Sure I'm doing better four long years later; the whole family is.  It's those down times that I still have where the pain can be so raw, they make me know I will never be fully healed.  I cope with it, and according to several people I'm dealing with it, "well;" what ever that means.

For my time left here, and yes, it sometimes feels like forever, but more often it flies.  I've got things left to do before I see my Madison again.  I hope to see my Derric and my Dallas realize their dreams.  Madison is an angel and until I can hold her again I will try to be a better person while here on this earth.  The point is, I am trying, but unfortunately I don't always succeed.  But that's what time is for, right? 

Regrets

Dallas recently heard someone say that they, "have 2 kids and regret it." What a terrible thing to say.  It made me so sad that a mother would feel that way, but I was sadder for those 2 children.  They may not realize anything now because considering the approximate age of the girl who admitted those regrets I'm sure her kids are quite young.  The feelings if true, might affect how the girl interacts with her children.  I wonder, will they grow up feeling unloved or unwanted?  Will they wonder, "why is mommy always mad?"  Will they grow up to be angry selfish people?  Hopefully the opposite will be the case.

Here is a person, it seems, who does not appreciate the amazing gifts she has been given.  After having my first child, Derric, I was overwhelmed by the awesome responsibility placed in my hands.  I take being a mom seriously.  It’s my job to make sure I do all that I can to raise decent human beings.  That means teaching them about love, kindness, self-discipline, respect and so much more.  The best way I know to teach these things is by example.  I admit that I have made mistakes along the way but having my children has never been one of them. If I regretted my kids I don’t know that I would care enough to try and be a good mom?  I hope what that girl comes to regret someday soon, is feeling that regret, and saying those words, or even thinking those thoughts.

You may be wondering what does this have to do with Madison?  In my eyes it has quite a bit to do with her.  I do not regret one moment I spent with my sweet girl.  Even though I have unbelievable pain because of her loss, I would not trade it, if it meant never knowing her.  My Madison truly was a one of a kind.  I cannot fathom never having been her mother.  She helped shape the person I am, as I helped shape who she was.  I think that's how it is with all children and their parents, no matter the age of either party. 

I am sorry for people who don’t appreciate the lives they have been given; whether it is their own or their child's.  I am also sorry for all of the new people in our lives that will never get to know Madison, but through us.  I may have a few regrets at the end of my life but having my children, will never be one of them.

The Closet

How do I empty her closet?  How can I empty the closet of someone I love and miss so much that her absence brings tears to my eyes daily?  I am trying.  Every few weeks I go into Madison’s room and either rearrange, repurpose or finally find something I can part with.  For example, today I found a roll of tape and a basket that I can use in the foyer closet.  Dallas thinks it’s morbid to see if any friends want her, “dead sister’s,” clothes.  I only asked, not using those words, because a couple of her friends are quite thin like Madison was; and she had cute things.

I will eventually make myself a quilt out of her favorite t-shirts, eventually.  Madison had quite a few stuffed animals, and she loved them all.  I haven’t been able to part with any of these yet.  Maybe, just maybe I’ll part with a few this Christmas and give as gifts.

I know that I am moving at a snails pace, but I don’t care.  I can’t just say, “let’s get rid of all this stuff it’s taking up space.”  I think of this thing that I am doing, kind of like getting into a cold swimming pool.  Some people jump right in, but not me.  I inch, and I do mean inch my way in so that I can acclimate to the temperature.  I know it has been almost 4 years and she’s not coming back.  Getting rid of all her things, or most, too quickly feels harsh; as if I’m losing her all over again.  That’s why I do this task slowly, yes inch by inch.  Besides I like having some of her things around, they comfort me.

Madison’s “stuff,” may keep me in the past a little bit but I’m ok with that.  There are those who would say this sort of thinking is unhealthy, that doesn’t bother me.  Drinking soda or eating greasy food is unhealthy if that is all you eat.  All my days are not spent wallowing in the past, not anymore at least.

Madison existed, she was a huge part of my life and I won’t pretend otherwise.  She is still affecting my life.  There are things I do everyday because of the conversations she and I had.  I think knowing her has made me a better person; I hope everyone who knew her can say the same thing.  Actually I can say that about all my kids, they have taught me many things about love, patience, being open minded, tolerance and the list could go on.  My home and my life will always be about the past, the present and the future.

For Sale

We have decided to put our house in Louisiana back on the market.  For the first time in years, while talking about it, the thought of selling our former home gave me a sentimental reaction.  I have many happy memories in that house.  It was the first house I could truly call mine.  I raised my kids in that house.  We had so many family gatherings for holidays or birthdays in that house.  There were also many crawfish boils and New Year’s Eve parties, all in that house, our home.

It’s funny; when we moved to Tennessee we thought we would have a similar life here.  I knew it wouldn’t be the same but hoped it would over time be, like I said similar.  Maybe it would have been if we hadn’t lost Madison.  That’s where the sentimentality comes from.  Don’t get me wrong Mark and I have always been, for the most part homebodies, we just miss our family a lot, and Madison just loved our home in Tickfaw Louisiana so much.  She loved being there because it’s where she felt the most comfortable.  For a girl who lived in almost constant physical pain, comfort was a very important thing.  I do think she was starting to really like our home in Tennessee too.

I keep telling Mark, and myself, that the memories are in our head not the house.  But that’s not entirely true, is it?  Every inch of that house has a memory for those of us who lived there; after all we spent almost 23 years in it.

The year 2009 over shadowed all the good memories for me for a long time.  That house in Tickfaw became like an, “albatross,” around my neck.  There was so much to do once we decided to move to Tennessee; also Madison was having a very difficult recovery after surgery in December 2008.  So instead of focusing most of my time on caring for my kids, my energy felt severely fractured.  Of coarse the kids came first, I just felt like I couldn’t stop.  Mark had already moved to TN and was dealing with unforeseen dilemmas.  Madison was hospitalized for a month in March 2009 and other family issues weighed heavily on us as well.  All those little projects that we put off were now glaring at us as stumbling blocks to selling the house.  I don’t know what we would have done without the help of family and friends, especially Cynthia, Murray and Murray III.  Finally by August 2009 we got most everything done and put it on the market.  We did all we could do, so we thought, but the house didn’t sell.

I began to hate that house after we lost Madison in October 2009.  I saw all the time I had to spend on it in those last few months as stolen time from my children especially Madison.  I began to resent the fact that I had to spend so much energy on that house when I should have been more focused on being with my sick child.  But I guess it’s really our own fault for all that work we had to do in the end.  We should have kept up with all the little issues as they happened and not put them off for later.  Later came too quick, or maybe we just procrastinated too long.  So for years I could not look fondly on the place.

Now however, I guess time has mellowed my feelings toward my former home.  It has been almost four years and my anger has started to subside.  Now, when I think of never going back there if it sells this time, I get a bit sad.  I don’t think I could ever live there again though, because even now the happy memories make me sad.

I will always remember finding Madison laying in a pile of raked leaves like it was a nest, so sweet  Next to her in another pile was our rottweiler Duchess, whom Madison adored.  I remember Derric at the age of one, in the front yard, being tackled by Duchess’ puppies, so cute.  I remember Dallas jumping into the swimming pool, as she would catch a football that Mark threw her.  She was so cute and she rarely missed.  I remember knowing exactly who was walking down the very long hallway by the sound of their footsteps, weather they had 2 feet or 4.  I remember so much and don’t want to ever forget.  So when the house does sell, eventually, I will have to rely on my many photos to jog my memory, instead of the walls of my former home.  I will keep reminding myself that the memories are in my head and heart not just in the walls.

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"20"

“20”

While trying to think of what I would write to commemorate Madison’s 20^th birthday I kept drawing a blank.  Then I realized that wasn’t completely the case.  The number 20 is all I can think about.  Every time my mind goes to her birthday all I see and hear in my head is the number 20 repeated over and over; not in years, just the number.  In my minds eye its like watching Sesame Street, “this thought is brought to you by the number 20.”  There it is big and bold and colorful in my head.  I have a feeling that is how she would have drawn it.  No doubt it would be colorful.

Madison loved drawing and being creative.  She loved color and was always asking for new colorful pens and pencils to draw or write with.  I think in heaven she has an endless supply of colors we cannot even fathom, to create many beautiful scenes.

20, 20 years ago today I was given a special gift that I could only be with for 16 years.  I keep her always in my heart and on my mind.  So until we meet again Happy Birthday my love!

Kids

I got a job.  I’ve been thinking about it for a while, but not seriously until this past summer (2012).  I didn’t know what I should do or where I should look.  I didn’t graduate from college and I haven’t “had a job” in over 20 years.  Being a stay at home mom was my job and I loved it.  As my kids got older my job evolved, and it kept me quite busy.  As Madison got older and had her surgeries my job was more involved with her care; and recovery took quite a long time.  Though I don’t think she ever completely recovered after her heart surgery.

My days since Madison’s passing have been filled with cleaning the house, running errands and bringing Dallas where she needs to be.  She has numerous extra curricular obligations, which I often enjoy going to, like plays and chorus concerts.  While these are all important things, they are mostly after school activities.  During the day I found myself wallowing in depression and too much in my own head.  I am not an outgoing person, and am ordinarily reserved, but I needed to do something to get out into the world more.  It’s hard living in a new place where I have no extended family and don’t want to impose on the few friends I have made.

I have taken care of people most of my life, my mother when she was ill, and my kids, so I had an idea of either working with the elderly or the very young.  I wasn’t sure how I would like either, but chose the very young.  There is a day care in the front of my neighborhood so one day in August I called to see if they had an opening.  To my surprise they did, and asked me to send a resume’.  Since I had not been in the work force for a long time they understood my resume’ would be a bit short.  The center hired me for a part time position, which is what I wanted, and I am happy to say I enjoy it.  I work with some very sweet and kind people; this job and meeting so many nice people has been a blessing in my life.  Also, it’s fun to be around 2 – 3 year olds 4 hours a day.  They are cute and sweet and always greet me with a smile and a hug.  Who wouldn’t love that?

One of the reasons I chose to work with kids is Madison.  I think it would have made her happy that I’m working with children.  She loved little kids.  The little ones didn’t judge her or look at her funny, the way some adults or older children did.  She would often catch people staring and it always made her sad if they didn’t smile at her, but just turned away.  Little kids were most often sweet and friendly toward her.  Madison used to say that when she got married she and her husband would adopt 5 kids.  She had lists with boys and girls names that she liked.  She also said they would live close to me so that I could help her take care of them.  I would have been so very happy to oblige.