2 Years

It has been very difficult for me to write for the last few months. The words just wouldn’t come even though my heart is always quite full. But since today is the 2^nd anniversary of Madison’s passing I feel I should try to write, even if just a little.

We visited the grave today and brought more flowers. Dallas noticed that the ground over Madison was covered in clovers. This made us smile and I remembered at our house in Louisiana the large clover patch by the swing set. One summer the kids found dozens of four leaf clovers; it was amazing.

We all know the meaning of the four-leaf clover is luck, but I wasn’t sure about the three-leaf clover. I remember hearing a story of how St. Patrick used the clover as a teaching tool to explain the Trinity. What I didn’t know is that the three-leaf clover generally means happiness. It makes me smile to think that my girl’s body is covered in happiness. Maybe this was a sign for us today, on the 2-year anniversary, she’s happy, in heaven, with some of our family; but most importantly with God the Father, Jesus His son and the Holy Spirit.

Madison wrote the following poem sometime between 8^th grade and beginning of her junior year in high school. I know where she is and that she is happy. (these photos were taken when she was 2)

Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ I wish to see your holy face it’s true.

Jesus Christ I imagine your eyes are skylight blue.

Jesus Christ I love you so, I always have my dear, but fear with all my tears that the end is surely near.

I’ve always dreamed of seeing you, your face so clearly near.

I’ve always loved you my good lord and now I’m finally here.

Super Hero

At Madison’s memorial in Hammond, LA, several of her friends got up to speak. Some spoke from the heart how they felt and others wrote down what they wanted to say. I wish I could have recorded those friends who spoke without notes. All of her friends loved her so much. My heart breaks for our family but also for her friends. I have not been able to read what her friends wrote, they gave their notes to me but it’s too hard. I’m so grateful to all of Madison’s friends’ for being there when she needed them. Thank you all.

On what would have been Madison’s 18^th birthday her friend Becca posted on facebook what her other friend Melissa wrote. Melissa said it was ok for me to post this on my blog. So here it is.

Once, there was a girl, who contained powers greater than all the superheroes known to man. She had strength that could put The Hulk to shame. She was faster than any sports car. She had wit that could stump any loose-lipped politician. She could even be invisible. Many times people would stand in awe of her pure awesomeness. You may miss her at first glance, because her power of invisibility would make itself known. She would only reveal herself to those she wished to see her. Then, she would stun you with her wit and sarcasm that could leave you with a feeling that could only be described as hysteria. (Or just confusion depending on who you are) Just about anyone could see her speeding past, accompanied by her metal side-kick, a wheelchair she called Jeffy-Bob. Often times, people would under-estimate her small frame, but she had the strength that cold leave a grown man in tears. She would leave anyone who double-crossed her with a vicious bruise on their shin. Her physical strength was accompanied by great amounts of mental and emotional strength. She had more endurance than any sprinter. No matter how many heavy burdens the world laid on her, she always seemed to miraculously make it through. Though, anyone was amazed to witness these supernatural feats, only those who she deemed worthy in her eyes could be revealed to the greatest power of all; her heart. She possessed the very rare ability to make anyone love her. Those who she chose were greatly honored. She eventually wanted to share her heart with the world, but one day, the great heroine discovered that she could fly. She rose up off the ground then jetted towards the clouds, higher and higher over the horizon and above the atmosphere then higher still. She flew so high that she soared right into heaven. And God and all the angels fell in love with her as the mortals did and they decided to keep her there. Though she lives there now, she never forgot about those who loved her. She left each of them a piece of her heart, so when they felt sad or lonely, it would work its magic once more. Now, those people will never forget her, because that little piece of her lives in them.

The Gift

Every child is a gift from God, a gift that must gradually be released. The process is all at once painful and wonderful, messy and beautiful, exciting and scary. But when that process is cut short, and a child dies, taken never to be seen or heard again it creates a hole so deep that some days you just want to crawl into that hole and stay. The future with that child is gone forever. Your hopes & dreams for that child will never be realized.

For us there will be no graduation, no first car, and no true love. There will be no wedding or grandchildren from this child. These thoughts are morose to be sure but at times these are the things that go through the mind of a parent who has lost a child.

I treasure my 3 gifts from God. I remember the silliness, the laughter, the talks and the love we shared with Madison. When I close my eyes I can still feel her hugs and hear her say, “I love you mommy.”

She would have been 18 years old today. I thank God for the 16 ½ years we had together. She used to say, “I wish I were 3 again, when things were easier.” I wonder when we meet again will I find my 16-year-old young lady or my 3-year-old little girl. Madison is truly missed; I don’t think she ever realized how much she would be or how many would miss her. My sweet angel, I love you forever.

Madison & Derric

I have talked about the relationship between Madison and her sister Dallas, now I’ll tell you about Derric her big brother. After Madison was born Derric was very curious about her. I caught him one day placing her back into the basinet after picking her up without permission. He was only 3 years old, the first thing he said was, “She started to cry so I picked her up for you.” Madison adored him. One day when she was learning to walk, while Derric was engrossed in a video game, she pulled herself up holding onto him. When she was upright she grabbed his hair with both hands and held tight, I think to keep her balance. He began to scream with tears in his eyes and Madison began to scream with a huge smile on her face. He wasn’t too fond of her that day.

As they got older they did less things together unless it was with the family. But gradually when Madison and Derric hit their teens they realized they had more in common then either of them thought. It was funny to see them watching the same show in different room and then running back and forth to each other saying, “did you see that,” or “I can’t believe that happened.” These common interests brought them closer.

One night while we were all at a pretty nice restaurant in Hammond LA, Madison and Derric began quoting lines from the movie, Talladega Nights. It was hilarious; thank goodness there weren’t many people in the restaurant that particular night. Weeks later Derric said to me, he realized on that night that Madison had become one of his best friends. When Madison started high school they had some of the same friend, which I think brought them even closer.

Derric has been and is very protective of his little sisters, and always helps them whenever needed. During the summer of 2005 before hurricane Katrina hit we took a road trip to little towns in Louisiana and Mississippi that we had never been to before. I don’t remember where we were, when we saw some Indian mounds. We all climbed to the top of the biggest mound, luckily there were stairs. There was a big open field and across it a smaller mound. The kids wanted to run through the tall grass to the top of that mound. Well Madison couldn’t, she walked as far as she could then Derric picked her up and carried her so that she could do it too. He's an awesome big brother.

I think Madison and Derric had a very special relationship, as did she and Dallas. I know they miss her terribly. I miss her terribly.

Delicate touch

I remember writing in an earlier post that Madison loved playing with tiny objects. She was a very tactile person. Notice in the photo of her wearing the white shirt how she delicately holds the leaf so that it won’t crumble. She had the softest touch. I miss the feel of those long soft fingers on my face.

When she was a baby she sucked her thumb. As an infant she discovered the tag on her baby blanket. Whenever she sucked her thumb Madison would hold the tag, or “ticky” as she called it, and rub it with her other thumb on the palm of her hand. It almost looked like she was praying while holding a blanket near her mouth.

As Madison got older she stopped sucking her thumb, we never made a big deal over it and she just gradually stopped. She found other ways to occupy her hands. She loved to draw and write. She had pages filled with all the names of her friends and family in pretty ink. Did I mention she was obsessed with pretty pens and pencils? She had all of the baby names she wanted to name her future children written on sketchpads & notebooks with lots of different colors.

The one thing Madison really enjoyed for several years before she left us was making jewelry. One year both Madison and Dallas made bracelets for some of our family members for Christmas. Dallas didn’t have much interest in it after that but Madison wanted more. She would spend her allowance on pretty beads and everything that she would need to make necklaces or earrings or bracelets.

Today I found several necklaces she had started making for her friends to give them at Christmas. When I realized what they were and looked at the detail of the one she worked on the most, I just cried. In the photo you can’t see it but the thread is wound so tight and there is a raised pattern that spirals up around it. It is so delicate and beautiful. I don’t know where she learned how to tie embroidery floss like that but it’s awesome.

Each necklace has a pendant on it, I remember the day she saw them. She was excited to know what she would be giving her friends for Christmas early. She knew exactly what she was going to do with them too. Each necklace is the same and different, they all say at the top, “May Life Bless You;” at the bottom the pendants all have a picture and word, those words are, “Love,” “Comfort,” “Hope,” “Dream,” and “Peace.” I think those words describe who Madison was; a person filled with love for her family and friends and hope to get better. She dreamed of her future and days without pain. She often comforted her friends when they talked to her about their problems. Peace, all she wanted was peace for everyone and she loved peace signs too.

I might try to finish these necklaces and give them to her friends for a graduation present. My work won’t be as good as Madison’s, but I’ll try. My sweet baby, there are some days when I still can’t believe she’s gone. She had such a strong personality.

You never get over the loss of a child; you just learn to live with that loss, and hopefully become better at coping. I’m trying.

We miss you “Sissy.”

Louisiana 2006

Louisiana

November 2006

Louisiana, Cajun Country where we are all one big community. The people are great, the food is outstanding, and Mardi Gras would have to be the greatest blowout. I just love Louisiana!

Sundays are great, because you got good food, and you get to watch football. I mean what could possibly be better than eating crawfish or catfish while watching the Saints? Red beans and rice are good too, but they are better on Mondays if you ask me. Sometimes I wonder how down here in Cajun country you can burn food and everyone says, “It’s fine,” and call it, “blackened.” Louisiana, a great place, and part of the reason to me would have to be the food.

In Louisiana the people help make it great. After hurricane Katrina every person came together in order to help one another. In Louisiana your family, your friends, the lady at the Albertsons that you have seen forever, these are the people that make Louisiana the place it has become. When I walk down the streets I am over come with joy when I see some one and I can put a smile on their face. Call me naïve but underneath all the crime there lies a beautiful community.

Mardi Gras, I like to call it the biggest blowout in all of Louisiana. My favorite part of Mardi Gras would be when I catch doubloons. Beads are cool too, but I collect doubloons. Mardi Gras means, “Fat Tuesday.” This tradition turns out to be great fun.

Louisiana is the place where you and I are from. If I were to make a museum of Louisiana I would have the food, a picture of the Saints and LSU, information about the people, some old and new. And last but most certainly not least, umbrellas, beads, doubloons and anything else about Mardi Gras. My home, my community, my Louisiana.

I thought that now would be a good time to share Madison’s paper on Louisiana, since Mardi Gras is just around the corner. I believe she wrote this in her 8^th grade year. Madison truly did love Louisiana and not just because she had to write a paper about it. It’s a special place in many ways.

Sometimes life just seems to move at a slower pace in Louisiana. Maybe it’s because the people are always ready to stop what they are doing to have a party. Madison always enjoyed when we had parties. It meant good food and plenty of it; spending time with people we didn’t see everyday and usually, swimming.

I don’t know that Madison ever watched more than a few minutes of a Saints game but if we had friends over, like I said before there would be plenty good food. Madison & Derric & Dallas liked going to the parades, especially when they were little. They can be quite beautiful and the kids enjoyed catching all the trinkets. For the most part Madison would sit in her wheele chair in the back so that she could see the floats better and not get hit by beads flying at her. People often threw lots of stuff to her but she couldn’t see well enough to catch anything. So in order not to get hit in the face she stayed in the back and would often direct Dallas to the things she missed on the ground. They were like a tag team.

Madison also like it very much when we went places and people knew her because we had visited that certain place since she was a baby. I know that can happen anywhere but it made her feel special. I know my kids felt special when ever we went to the French Quarter Festival. They would not want to go but once we got there they had fun. My girls loved getting macaroni & cheese from room service; and swimming in the hotel pool was high on the list too. They liked hanging out in Mawmaw & Pawpaw’s room with our family & friends visiting and people watching on the balcony. One time Pawpaw got a musician friend, Leroy, to come up to the room and play Happy Birthday to her on his trumpet. I know that made her feel quite special. Her birthday is usually near the festival.

Madison, Derric & Dallas’ absolute favorite thing about the festival was to go to the French Market to spend their money. The last FQF we went to Madison bought herself an orange t-shirt that said, “Property of Bourbon Street Jail.” She wore that with orange pants to a Sadie Hawkins dance and got her date to dress like a policeman…she was his prisoner. There’s that wicked sense of humor.

We liked playing tourist in New Orleans and I think our, off the beaten path, times there are very special. We have many good memories from our years in Louisiana. I think that slower Louisiana pace suited Madison just fine, that was her pace. We discovered many interesting things in the French Quarter and other parts of Louisiana by moseying instead of running.

Bell Ringer 2007

August 2007 Bell ringers

I hope to accomplish top marks in all my classes.

In ten years I see myself in college.

I admire my mom because she deals with me.

I hope to learn stuff I don’t know.

I don’t know what I’m doing for the weekend.

I value my family and friends.

My values are my family and friends.

I don’t know what kind of job I will get in high school.

My favorite thing about high school so far is lunch of coarse!

Unfortunately death is something you need to do alone.

This was obviously an assignment Madison had early in her freshman year of high school. I know she hoped to make good grades, but was often too tired by the end of the day to give her studies the full attention they needed. It seems especially math; still in college in 10 years?

Madison told me one day that she only said she planned on going to college so that the counselors at school would leave her alone. She was not sure she wanted to go to college and toward the end of sophomore year she really didn’t see it happening. I encouraged her too take classes that would help her if she ever changed her mind. I didn’t care if she went to college. I just wanted her to be happy and I know she wanted to feel useful. She often asked me, “Mama what do you think I’ll be able to do when I get older to earn money?” It was on her mind that she wanted to be able to take care of herself. She would even sometimes apologize for being a burden. I always assured her she was never a burden. I told her that, “I take care of you and Derric and Dallas because I love you all…that’s what parents do.” I would tease her and say that one day she would have to take care of me. Well I know at least that I have one more angel in heaven praying for me.

She wrote me a thank you letter one day at school saying thank you for dealing with me. That just sounded so negative, I never had to “deal” with her. I would “deal” with things or situations or sometimes people I didn’t like, but never my kids. Yes I had to “deal” with the sometimes frequent fighting between Madison and Dallas or their messy rooms. But that isn’t the same as “dealing” with them. She was skeptical when we talked about it, but I think she got it.

Yes, Madison loved learning new things…as long as it could be learned via the television. She often said, “Why can’t they put school in the form of a movie?” She had an incredible memory when it came to things she watched, like television shows or movies. Even when they would watch documentaries in class she could remember everything. She didn’t need to take many notes if a teacher’s lecture was interesting she’d remember it all. For a long time that’s how she learned because she struggled with reading when she was very young. I would read the books and handouts to her and she’d remember them

Madison’s friends were like a second family to her. If someone took the time to get to know her then he or she were her friend, they couldn’t help it. She learned the value of real friends very young, 3^rd grade to be exact. That’s when the little girls in her class began to notice that Madison was different. Madison didn’t just look different she acted different too. She had such a wicked sense of humor even at a very young age. Sometimes things would come out of her mouth and I had to remind myself that she was only a little girl. She knew how to use the English language well. There were times when she would use a new word, then ask if she had used it right. The boys didn’t care that she was different. With them she could be as goofy and sarcastic as she wanted. Until high school, Madison always had more guy friends then girl friends.

Madison knew she couldn’t get a job while in high school. Homework was job enough for her to handle. She also had a dog to take care of.

I’ve said before that Madison had a healthy appetite. So there is no doubt that lunch would be her favorite time of the school day. That’s when she held court with her friends in the cafeteria. It’s a wonder they had time to eat with all the talking that went on.

I wonder what prompted Madison to write the last line of the bell ringer. I can easily assume what the questions were for all of the other lines but this one. It puzzles me. In some of her poems she seems to know that she won’t be here very long. At first I thought it was because she, unlike most young people had to face the possibility of death at a very young age due to her many surgeries. Or maybe because she had had several loved ones die between 2002 – 2007. What ever made her write this, there is no denying that it is true. She was a very intuitive person. Due to her being sick a lot she often had more time than most to think and examine life. She may have been alone in her death but I think not for long. I know there were many people who love her waiting in that bright light to lead her on her way. I know she’ll be waiting there for me when my time comes.

Danny

When Madison was a little girl, about 9 or 10 years old she had an evaluation at school. It was for special services due to her physical disability done by a physical therapist. That therapist happened to be an old friend of mine, Tammy. We had been friends since we were very young and as it goes in life sometimes, we lost touch after graduation. Anyway Tammy evaluated Madison then asked her some questions. She asked Madison if she could have any 3 things in the world what would those be. Tammy said Madison didn’t need long to think, her first answer was world peace, her second was that no one would ever be hurt and her third was for a puppy. Tammy said, “You better get that baby a puppy or I will.”

Madison didn’t get that puppy right away. When she was 13, just 6 months after her back surgery in 2006, we got Danny. He’s a Welsh Pembroke Corgi; he’s adorable and bad as can be and very lucky he’s so cute. Danny adored Madison, she taught him how to open her door by pulling a string and he rarely left her side. When she left the house he would wait by the front door for hours. Then he would go looking in the usual places for her. I would tell him, “Go see your mama,” and he would run to find her and stay with her. I don’t say, “mama,” around Danny anymore, I didn’t want to confuse him. There are still some nights at bedtime when he heads toward her door. She loved him so very much. I feel bad when I remember being angry with Danny for some of the things he did. I know Madison also felt bad. I wonder if he misses her too.

God how I miss that child, I never knew such consistent aching in the middle of my body. But if this is a fraction of the pain Madison lived with daily, and at such a young age, I’ll endure. Thank you God for our time with Madison.

8-25-08 Danny

I battle with a disease, and I have had many loved ones die, but oddly enough the most significant thing to happen in my life occurred when I was thirteen. I can remember it like it was yesterday…

We were in the car on our way to Mississippi, and my sister Dallas and I were sitting in the back seat. My parents were listening to music and my brother Derric had decided to stay at home. I was so excited. I don’t think I slept much the night before. I kept thinking it was a dream, like I was going to wake up any minute and realize this was all a cruel joke. But it wasn’t.

I was relieved when we finally arrived at the McDonalds’. No this story isn’t about my quest for the “perfect” cheeseburger; I’m still searching for that. We had to meet the person there because she lived too far away. Anyway we got to the McDonalds’ and my heart was pounding so hard that I could feel it pulsing through my fingertips. A lady got out of the car next to us, and what she was carrying was possibly the most adorable, gorgeous ball of fluff I had ever seen, ever in the history of the world.

He was all curled up in her arms, and staring at me through the window. His fur was 3 different colors: black, red-brown and white. As he stared at me through the window with those intensely big almond brown eyes, he smiled at me. I was astonished. I mean I have never seen a dog smile before that wasn’t computer generated to do so. He was perfect in every way imaginable, spunky, sweet, beautiful, and intelligent and best of all he was mine, all mine. When I got out of the car to hold him, he did it again. Was it possible for a dog to smile as beautiful as he did? When I held him, he seemed to know me. He curled up in my arms and rested.

On our way home he slept. He didn’t want to leave my lap and I didn’t want that either. The whole ride home I was stroking his huge ears and whispering his name “Danny Zuko mine forever.” He’s been my confidant, everything I can’t tell to anyone else I tell him. He listens to me. I mean he really listens and I know that sounds crazy but it’s true. The way humans look you in the eye to listen, only he seems to understand, and he is my Greatest Treasure.

(And yes, Danny does smile sometimes and he also winks.)