Just before Christmas while driving through my neighborhood heading home after work, I began thinking about Madison. I think about her a lot when I drive. My mind often goes to her but especially when I'm driving. As I turned a corner admiring the Christmas lights an overwhelming feeling came upon me. Another Christmas without her. I know this fact, and knew it was the holidays, but even after six years it’s still so hard. From everything I've read about other parents who have lost a child it will always be hard no matter how many years pass. I never expected it would be easy. Sometimes though I'm caught off guard or surprised by the force and timing of these strong emotions that hit me. Dallas not being able to come home for Christmas this year is very likely contributing to this feeling.
This Christmas 2015 was our seventh one without Madison. I know she's in my heart, blah, blah, blah! I just don't want to hear that crap! Not that anyone has said that to me lately. I'm selfish I want her here with me. I want to hold her and talk to her. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
This is one of those "why" moments. What is supposed to come out of all the suffering? Yes my head knows some of the answers but my heart says "shut up!". Faith and hope. My heart aches, so does my head. I've come to think of grief like an ocean. Sometimes the highs and lows flow through me likes waves other times I feel calm as still waters. Though that could be when I'm just drained and numb.
I don't know anything anymore. The instability of that statement is what keeps me on edge, yet sometimes calms me. I knew that I didn't have all the answers before we lost Madison, but I thought I at least had a few. How arrogant I was?
