As I watch Dallas grow and become more independent, I am filled with ambivalence. I am happy to see her grow and learn and yes I’ll say it blossom. I am however also sad to see, my not so little girl need me less and less. Soon she will be hardly at home because of school, extra curricular obligations, a busy social life and maybe even a part time job. Another reason I feel a little sad is that I can’t help but wonder, what would Madison be doing now if she were still with us? Derric is pursuing a writing career and Dallas is a junior in high school. Where would Madison be? Before she passed away Madison was very aware that Dallas would soon be surpassing her in many ways; by level of independence and ability to do certain things. This knowledge made her upset, she didn’t want her little sister or her friends to pass her by.
Is it fair to Dallas that while watching and experiencing her growth I think of Madison? How can I not? It probably is not fair to Dallas or for that matter Derric. When he graduated from college in May2012 I was so happy for him, but Madison was not there to share the moment. There was an underlying sadness. Her absence is always so loud to me.
I just miss Madison so much and wish she would have been healed. I used to pray, some days it felt like constantly, for her to be physically healed. One day in March 2009, while driving to Children’s hospital in New Orleans (she was there for a month), I was praying out loud in my car. Suddenly a thought came into my head; “What if the only way to heal her and make the pain go away is to take her?” I think I drove the next 10 miles or so just saying, “please no, don’t take my baby!” I know many people do not believe in actually, “hearing from God,” but I believe I was given a message that day. I was not ready for that message, who would be? I didn’t want to believe it either. I just continued praying. Madison was with us another 6 ½ months. She was 16 ½ when she died.
Now Dallas is 16 years old and healthy and independent and opinionated and talented and beautiful and smart. I feel blessed to call her my daughter. So, is it fair to Dallas that I get a little sad while enjoying her accomplishments and milestones? No, I just wish Madison could be here to see how her sister has grown. Dallas and Derric have been through a lot in the last 2 years 10 months and 2 days. One thing I know is, Madison still would say, “Dallas is a cheese ball!”
