What we used to be

What we used to be

You tell me what to do, you tell me what to say, I’m startin to think you only want things your way. But that’s not fair and that’s not right, and if you don’t think I’ll put up a fight, well then what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you acting this way? How dare you think you can treat me this way and still expect me to stay around. How dare you think you control my life. I have enough pain and strife without you screwing things up. My life is tough enough.

You tell me I’m difficult, you say I don’t listen, why are you doing this to me? Where did it all go wrong? What the hell is wrong with us? What has gotten into us? Why are we acting this way? How dare you think you can treat me this way, and still expect me to stay around. How dare you think you control my life. I have enough pain and strife without you screwing things up. So do me a favor and just shut up.

I think it’s better if we go our separate ways, ‘cause you’re not what I thought you were and I’m not what you wanted, you’ve made that pretty clear. So I think it best if we part my dear. Well now I know what’s wrong with us, when push came to shove we weren’t strong enough to stay and that’s why it’s best if we go our separate ways. But a part of you will still remain with me. This will remain a testament to what we used to be.

I think Madison wrote the poem above sometime in the 8th grade. She had such insight, it still blows my mind. I find myself everyday thinking what would Madison have said or done in different situations. Madison never pretended to be anything else other than who she was. If someone had unrealistic expectaions of Madison she made her opinion known. She really felt like why waste time pretending to be something you're not because the truth will always be found out in the long run. She was very mature for her age but had fun being a kid.

She loved her babydolls for a long time. She loved coloring. She loved her stuffed animals till the day she left us. She loved being in Disney and seeing the characters. However she also loved Lifetime original movies, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Vampire Diaries, That 70's Show, sewing, drawing, painting, jewlery making, knitting, and her friends and her family.

We love and miss her everyday. Life is so different without Madison in it.

One Year

One year ago today was a good day…until it wasn’t. One year ago today was a beautiful day…until it wasn’t.

The day started out like most others. Dallas went to school, Mark to work. Madison’s homebound teacher gave her a math lesson. I took her to the doctor and he said she was fine. We picked up lunch then went to the grocery. That evening we ate dinner and watched some TV. It started to rain.

Why didn’t I know something was wrong? Why didn’t she know until it was too late? Why did we only have 16 ½ years together?

When Madison was 9 years old her cardiologist, Dr. Stopa said that when he started treating Madison he had not expected her to live as long as she had. He said her heart was not perfect but, “it’s a strong little heart and it just keeps on pumping.” It was hard to hear that he had not thought she would live so long. When I think about it now I wonder, was she living on borrowed time? I’m not sure I even know what that expression means really. Borrowed time, aren’t we all on borrowed time? None of us will be on this earth forever. But why are some here for such a brief time?

One year ago today I lost one of my precious children, my Madison. We miss everything about her, her amazing sense of humor, her wise cracks, her laugh, her thumping footsteps and her big hugs. There’s too much to list, everyone who loved her misses her every minute of every day.

One year ago today was the worst day of my life.

Have the Wish

I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I make tonight. I wish I could see you again, I miss you everyday. I see you way up there and wonder away, I wonder why He made you leave. I love you very much.

I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I make tonight. I wish I could see you again because you were like my best friend. I miss you more than ever. I long for the day when we can be together, forever and ever.

By Madison Boudreaux

(I think she wrote this after PawPaw died in May 2007)

Madison & Dallas

The relationship between my 2 daughters Madison and Dallas was like most sisters close in age…hot and cold. There were times when they were the best of friends and completely enjoyed each other’s company. Like the time they zipped their jackets together while we were at the French Quarter Festival because they were bored listening to Dixieland Jazz. They were there for each other when one got hurt. I’ll never forget when a little girl was mean to Dallas at school Madison was very angry. She said, “no one can pick on my little sister but me!” One time Madison fell and cut her knee while they were coming home from a friend’s house. Dallas helped Madison to our neighbor’s house that they were near to get help.

Then there were times when they would literally be at each other’s throats. I can remember hearing Madison scream, “I’m gonna strangle you!” Madison had very long arms and her slender hands were stronger that you would think. I had to physically get between them to stop the fight. Dallas did her share of antagonizing, actually quite a bit of it, but I can laugh about it now.

I know it wasn’t easy for Dallas watching her get a lot of attention because Madison was often sick. She would have given anything not to be sick and needing that kind of attention. I know they truly loved each other though; they were often very caring and loving to one another when they didn’t think anyone was watching. Dallas misses her sister very much, we all do. I would give anything to hear them fighting, or laughing together again.

The house is so quiet now. It’s been quite an adjustment for all of us. I know it’s hard for Dallas not having her sister here to talk to and hang out with. She probably even misses the fights too. I know from experience that the fights would have stopped and the friendship last forever. I don’t know what I would have done this past year without the love and support from my sisters. Thank you, Jennifer, Vickie and Cynthia for letting me talk, vent and cry on your shoulders.