Sad Box

Well I am at it again, this time there is more purpose in my actions.  I am de-cluttering my house in an effort to downsize. I thought starting with smaller projects would make the bigger projects go more smoothly.  The girls bedrooms seemed a good pace to begin. I emptied containers that were in Madison’s room that actually belong to Dallas. There is now a donate pile, a keep (give back to Dallas) pile and a garbage bag on the way to being filled up.  

I came upon two paper shopping/gift bags that have been moved to different places around the house over the last, almost nine years.  Realizing that something had to be done with them other than just keep moving them I sat on the floor of Madison’s bedroom and dug in.  Mistake number one...I was not emotionally prepared for this activity. Mistake number two...there were people at my house doing repairs and they occasionally needed to talk to me.  After about five minutes of going through the contents of these bags I was not fit to speak to anyone. I stopped this particular project and eventually moved on to something else.

These two bags hold all the sympathy cards and letters we received from family, friends, acquaintances and coworkers after we lost Madison.  I kept everything even the ribbons that came with some. I have not had the will or the strength to go through all the feelings these notes would bring up.  But I figured I had better just do it and get it done.

That was a little over a week ago, so I got myself prepared mentally and emotionally and made sure I had the time and the house all to myself for at least part of the day.  Because I was prepared, the emotions didn’t completely overwhelm me but I did go through a few tissues. I was surprised that some of the cards made me a bit irked, I didn’t keep those.  I decided to keep some of the cards and put them in a small box to store more easily. I am really glad I went through those bags because they contained quite a few photos.

When I shared what I was going to do with Derric he told me, “Great you’re going to have a box filled with sadness, just put that thing in a dark corner of the attic.  When you feel like crying pull out your sad box.” This made me laugh. So I now have a “sad box” but it’s not in the attic.

I feel a need to keep the cards and letters that I chose because they remind me, not that I need much reminding, how much Madison was loved.  Some of them contain such genuine and heartfelt expressions of love for Madison and for us as her family. When I read them I felt grateful that these family and friends took the time to express their love for my sweet girl and how much they care for us.  They remind me that my sweet girl touched more lives than I knew and she will be remembered. That’s so important to me, that she is remembered for her love, compassion, friendship and that amazing wit and sense of humor.

I miss her terribly.  There are so many good things I wish we could share with her.  Love my kids so much!