Traditions

Where have our traditions gone?  They disappeared, poof, in a cloud of smoke, or it might have been a fog.  Since we lost Madison it hasn't been the same, for any of us, no doubt.  I barely put up the Christmas tree this year. I put it up later than usual and didn't put ornaments on until 3 days before Christmas.  I know that if I don't keep our few little traditions going they will go away and never come back.  We'll end up a family filled with apathy; more apathy than we already have.  We used to be so excited about Christmas, and I know it wasn't just me. 

It's not just losing Madison, it's compounded by being so far from the rest of our family.  There is no doubt she is greatly missed.  Our first Christmas in Knoxville was also our first Christmas without Madison. I know her absence is a big part of my growing indifference; our lives, my life is so different here in Knoxville.  I feel the absence of my extended family quite keenly especially around the holidays.  I miss the Christmas chaos. I miss visiting with people I have a long and history with, weather I've known them my whole life or the last 10, 15, 20 years or more. I want to talk to people who knew and remember Madison.  I want to talk face to face and say, "remember when?" I want to reminisce about when we were kids or teenagers or about our parents, any topic will do.  There is a quote from a Jane Austen book called Mansfield Park; where the main character is asked why she chooses to go back home.  “The remembrance of all her earliest pleasures, and of what she had suffered in being torn from them, came over her with renewed strength, and it seemed as if to be at home again would heal every pain that had since grown out of the separation.  To be in the center of such a circle, loved by so many…to feel affection without fear or restraint; to feel herself the equal of those who surrounded her…” Though I was not torn from Louisiana, I feel that Madison was torn from me.  Also there is something about being surrounded by not just people I love but people I have a shared history with that makes me feel more equal.  Others who have had similar experiences, who are going through some of the same issues or joys. It just plainly feels good to sometimes be surrounded by the very familiar.

All of that said, I am not moving back to Louisiana and do like living in Knoxville very much.  After four years it is starting to feel more home like. I will admit that even in Louisiana I have at times felt out of place. I always assumed though that, that was just my own social awkwardness. Here, at this time of my life is where some apathy works, because I don't often get that uncomfortable feeling like I used to.  After all that I have been through in my life there are very few things that make me feel uncomfortable any more. Maybe I should have had more apathy toward some things in my younger years, it can be quite liberating.

I will, however work hard to be less indifferent toward keeping some of our traditions going, because one thing I am not apathetic about is my family. Our traditions are not big or spectacular, but they are ours.  For example, one thing we used to always do is put up a Disney Christmas tree.  This is the tree the kids loved decorating most.  They started by putting on their favorite characters' ornaments.  It was a lot of fun to do and watch.

Maybe we will start a couple of new traditions. I am determined to do better next year.  I’ll begin by mailing the Christmas cards I bought.  I will put the tree up like usual, ornaments too. We will also put up the Disney tree.  I will decorate in a timelier manner next year, not waiting until a couple of days before Christmas. I won’t wait until the last minute to shop or plan or send packages. Knowing which traditions to hold on to and which to let go of will be one of my goals for the new year.  I think that the letting go idea will work for my closets and garage too.  Missing my family and always my Madison very much!