Happy 30th birthday

  I know I haven’t posted anything in over a year, it started to feel like I was repeating myself.  And, maybe I will with this post too, but I want to acknowledge what would have been Madison’s 30th birthday.  It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that my children are getting older, I know of course that I am too, maybe that’s the issue.  I think about what I was doing at their ages, those were the happiest years of my life and at the time I’m not sure I fully realized it.  I’m not saying it all goes downhill after your 30’s, but after losing a child there is a shift.  Her sudden loss left me/us in shock.

My greatest joy is spending time with my children.  I’ve always enjoyed spending time with them.  Yes there were moments, as a stay at home mom, when I would go in the bathroom and lock the door just to have a few minutes to myself but that didn’t happen too often.  After we lost Madison I wanted to be near my other children as much as possible.  Dallas didn’t care for that and I don’t think I was a very good mom for a while after losing Madison.  Maybe I wasn’t before either, there are so many things I wish I had known when my kids were growing up that I have since learned.  

I can see how some of Madison’s closest friends are doing now through social media and I’m proud to see what strong women they are.  Madison had a strong opinion and wasn’t shy about letting her feelings be known, so I’d like to think that she would also be a strong woman.  Dallas also had a strong personality and I am so proud of the strong woman she is.  She and Derric have taught me so much as they’ve grown into their adulthood. I'm so proud of both of them and she would be too.  When we're all together, me, Mark, Derric & Leslie and Dallas & Dennis it’s so much fun.  We talk about anything and everything and play games that are silly and some that make you have to do math. (That’s supposed to be funny, it is in my head.)  I just know Madison would be right in there having fun too.  I also know that she would have loved having Leslie and Dennis as sister and brother-in-law and I know they would have loved her too.  I also know that she would have loved getting to know her niece Juliana and connecting with Noelle. 

I miss my children.  I miss the house being full with them and their friends hanging out, rooting through the pantry and refrigerator asking for more food.  I miss driving them to places like the movie or mall.  I miss watching movies with them or watching clouds in the sky.  I miss driving around town and getting lost only to discover we’re actually close to home.  I don’t ever want to forget those times.

I’m thankful that I do get to spend time with my children on occasion now that they are grown and have busy lives.  And we do still sometimes watch movies together and even get lost, but rarely and only if I’m driving.  I know I’ve said it before but if I could do it all over again I would.  My love for Madison didn’t die with her; it still lives in my heart.  She still lives in my memories.  Happy heavenly 30th birthday Madison! 

(I know this post seems a bit disjointed, my thoughts are all over the place and I guess I write as I think, oh well.)